Adoption Loss: Unrecognized grief that mothers endure alone

Jane

In a New York Times opinion piece, Hope Edelman's vivid  description of still grieving at the loss of her mother 38 years earlier when she was 17 (New York Times 8/25/19) brought to my mind how much losing a child to adoption is like losing a loved one to death  Edelman wrote: "At the time, I thought grieving was a five stage process that could be rushed through and aced like an easy pop quiz. When I still painfully missed my mother three and five and even 10 years later; my conclusion was that I must have gotten grieving wrong." Her words echoed what Lorraine wrote 40 years ago in Birthmark about her 13-year-old daughter adopted at birth: "Of course I knew I would always remember her, but I didn't think it would be most of the time. She pervades my being."



I too believed that "I'll forget" (or the memory would at least float to the back of my mind) and move on with my life. I couldn't shake the sadness and so I thought there was something wrong with me.

First widely published memoir
from a woman who relinquished
her child to adoption

Edelman goes on to write that the pain of  loss "often flares up around anniversary events, such as birthdays and holidays; makes appearances at life milestones, like graduations and weddings; and sneaks up at age-correspondence events, such as reaching the age a parent was when he or she died. That's a big one." As Lorraine wrote: "The child was everywhere. True I stopped thinking about her every hour, and maybe sometimes several days would manage to slip by when she didn't come floating into my mind. But then something: Forsythia painted on a greeting card, baby clothes in a store window, commercials for gentle Ivory Snow.... All of these things would fill the secret pockets of my heart and head."

I thought about my daughter when she turned 24, the age I was when she was born. I thought of her every fall when media reports of children returning to school filled the news. Since she was born in November I wondered if she had started school as a not yet five-year-old or an almost six-year-old. Would she be in the fourth or fifth grade this year? As my three raised daughter opened Christmas presents, I tried to imagine my lost daughter opening presents at the same ages. Would she want dolls or trucks or both? I tried to place her in family photographs.

There are of course distinct differences between childless mothers and the women Edelman wrote about in her 1994 memoir Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss.  Combined with our loss is guilt. Lorraine: "I would always be a woman who gave away a child." I recognize that many women had no choice--they were teens at the mercy of their parents, clergy, and social workers-- while others like myself and Lorraine believed (or wanted to believe) that we were doing the right thing. We signed the papers and walked out of the hospital without our babies.

Unlike those who lose a loved one to death, our grief goes unacknowledged. No sympathy cards, no funeral--disenfranchised grief some call it. We bear our loss in silence.

Most of us do have what Edelman cannot have, a chance at reunion, or perhaps at redemption. We can't change the past but we can impact the future. We can search for and find our child (as Lorraine did) or accept our child when she contacts us (as I did). We can work hard at having a positive relationship--accepting our responsibility, accepting that our child has other parents, and not expecting our child to be responsible for our well-being. Sadly, some adopted children will reject their first mothers no matter how kind and giving they are. Even sadder are the mothers who find their child dead. Still for many knowing--who and where our children are is at least a salve.--jane.

SOURCE
I Couldn't Say 'My Mother' Without Crying 

Concerned United Birth Parents (CUB) will present a panel of therapists on disenfranchised grief at it annual retreat October 25-27, Redondo Beach, California https://www.cubirthparents.org/retreats.php

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BOOKS
Birthmark
By Lorraine Dusky
5.0 out of 5 stars

A Mother Never Forgets

In 2012, when I found the son I had given up for adoption in 1968, I hadn't read any books on adoption in many years, and those had been about international adoption primarily (I adopted a son from Vietnam in 1974), but if I am anything, I am a reader, so when I came across Lorraine Dusky's memoir about being a "birth mother," I knew I had to read it. Published in 1979, it remains as fresh, as moving, and as relevant today as it was over thirty years ago. As momentum builds to finally unseal adoption records that have denied adoptees and birth mothers access to each other and their own information, this book is an important reminder that much still needs to be done in the area of adoption reform.

Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, 20th Anniversary Edition
by Hope Edelman
5.0 out of 5 stars

If you're reading this,.....

Beautiful book, so far! I need to keep taking breaks from reading this, not because its a bad book (its an amazing book), but because if you are anything like me, the truth is hard to swallow. And this book brings out a lot of truth, and makes you question your entire grieving process, while still being comforting. I could never explain the depth of this book to you, but if you are reading this review, you need this book. Because obviously, you're looking for an explanation for what you're feeling. If I could meet this Author, I would give her the biggest hug ever and thank her from the bottom of my broken heart

Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief
by Evelyn Robinson
5.0 out of 5 starsGreat book.

As a mother who relinquished her son to adoption in 1973, I found this book extremely helpful and interesting. All of the emotions and questions I have lived with for the past 32 years were addressed in a manner which gave my feelings validity and reassurance. It is remarkable how similar my experience is to that of Ms. Robinson. From pregnancy to reunion I feel like I have lived a parallel life on the other side of "the pond", or the world as it turns out.