Plea from adoptee to first mothers in the closet: Give us a chance

Lorraine

While the laws sealing the original birth records of adoptees continue to tumble but with caveats that supposedly "protect" first/birth mothers and fathers who wish to remain anonymous, another factor is at work making sealed records increasingly irrelevant.

Of course I'm talking about DNA testing. It doesn't lie. It finds people. It connects far-reaching relatives. We've written before addressing birth mothers in the closet, urging them to deal with the reality of their lives: they had a child, and that child may be looking for them, and DNA may find them, despite how deeply that adopted-out child was buried. In truth, I can only drum up so much sympathy for the supposed plight of the anonymous  birth/first mothers, because honesty and truth are on the side of the adoptee. Everyone deserves to know where they came from. I will go on repeating this until I take my last breath: Everyone deserves to know where they came from.


Without reservations. Even if the truth isn't pretty. Even if it is brutal. Even if someone is going to be embarrassed she kept this secret for decades. Then the difficulty is tied up just as much with what the secret is (a child!), but in the fact that the secret was kept from kin and kith for years. Yet since I believe that most people have generous hearts, once they get over the shock of learning about the missing child, they will understand why a terrified woman, shamed at the time of birth, kept the secret. But I write as a woman who relinquished a child, found her on 1981 when she was fifteen, and had a lengthy relationship with her until her death a decade ago. Closeted mothers need to hear from an adoptee herself, and so today I am turning over the blog to an adoptee who was moved to write directly to women who are fearful of being found by their children:

Dear First Mothers,

I am a 53-year-old female adoptee from Florida. [FMF: All adoptee birth records are sealed in FL.]

I was adopted in 1964 during what has been called the Baby Scoop Era. Many of us born in that time come from states with closed birth and adoption records, which means we don't have access to our original Birth Certificate, even today. 

There is nothing easy about searching for one's original parents, or being adopted, or making contact with our original first mother. Emotionally, all of it is difficult. 

If you are a birth mom from that era chances are--if your child is searching for his or her genetic roots--they will take a DNA test. If anyone in your family has also supplied a DNA sample--and it doesn't have to be someone close to you--your child will find you. Closed records will no longer protect you. 

I implore you to be open to contact. Most of us long to know about our roots, and we are not out to hurt our first parents nor do we "want money or kidneys" from them. For better or worse, we had parents. Most of us are not looking for mommies or daddies. We simply want to know, Where do we come from? We've wondered all our lives. Who do we look like? Are our personalities similar? Our likes? Hobbies? Professions? Do we have siblings? First cousins? Aunts or Uncles? Most importantly, We NEED updated medical information, not only from you, but also the father. 

I know a lot of first mothers from this era have not told their current family about the child they placed for adoption. But with DNA testing, it is possible that you will have no final control about whether or not this will come out. Take matters in your own hands, and tell the people it most directly affects now before they get that surprise contact letter, phone call, email or Facebook message. Yes, they probably will be shocked, but be aware that they will handle the news better if it comes from you, rather than your relinquished child who suddenly appears, or through a relative who has been contacted. Remember that we live in such a different time now, and it is unlikely that anyone will judge you as they did when you were a teenager way back when. 

I am writing this letter to First Mother Forum to ask the first mothers who find it to be brave, and give us, your grown relinquished children, a chance to be in your lives. Just like any other relationship, it may take off and you become friends, or maybe it won't. But you won't know unless you give us a chance to make contact. 

I hope from the bottom of my heart if you are contacted you will remember reading this, and give your child a chance.--Susan
______________________

TO READ 

Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age: An Anthology
Anthology edited by Laura Dennis

5.0 out of 5 starsPower In Our Voices

ByKristi B Lado 

“Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age, an Anthology” cuts 

through the feel-good veneer and exposes very stark realities faced

by those affected by adoption. Pointed questions following each article

encourage reader to explore their attitudes and challenge cultural
myths surrounding this issue. It is another positive step in a
long-overdue human rights revolution in the adoption community.

FROM FMF

The post that led to this one: 

When a stranger writes to a first/birth mother asking for adoptee contact

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO ORDERED GIFTS THROUGH FMF!  WE APPRECIATE IT!