When DNA yields a first mother's (or father's) rejection

Lorraine

DNA is reaping more connections daily, to judge by the mail that First Mother Forum is getting about what to do as the trail to one's biological family heats up. Since cousins, aunts and uncles are revealed--seemingly more than direct hits to biological birth parents--the next obvious step for the adoptee in search, or the found family, is to see exactly who this new person is related to, and how. Especially when...no one has heard of this "cousin" or "niece" or "sister" before.

Then the questions begin. Uncles (who are brothers of the woman in question) express at first disbelief, and then...call their sisters, who are birth mothers--and since the brothers express doubt that the DNA can be accurate, there must be some mistake, right?--their skepticism feeds the woman's desire to keep the secret child just that, a secret. Unfortunately this chain of events is leading to many denials, especially from women like myself who gave up their children in the Sixties and earlier when we were told secrecy was the way we were supposed to live our lives. I imagine the thinking of these women goes, I've gotten away with this secret child and my husband/children/even my brothers and/or sisters don't know about her, and I'll just deny it. End of story. 


Of course, for the adoptee it is not the end of the story. It is the beginning of the next chapter.

Many adoptees, fearing rejection, turn to others to make the connection, or consider writing a letter. Sometimes that works. If the woman has been waiting for the phone call from her lost-to-adoption child, all is well.

But if she has been hiding under the metaphorical rock, she denies, and that denial is can be hard to dislodge. I've written before about having a friend a dozen years older than I who was always against reunions, and talked to her grown children about it so much when I was not present so much that they began to assume that she probably had a secret child. Just before she died, she told her oldest son, he was not her first born. Now everyone is quite sure who the father has to be, given that she carried a lifelong torch for a cousin. So when I say the secret can be buried under layers of denial, believe me. Immediate family members such as brothers and sisters and even parents--and other children who follow--may not know of the child. The birth mother who has built her life on denial of a first child may wish to continue living that way.

Letters to such a woman may be ignored. The writer/adoptee will never know if it was actually received, or intercepted by someone else who reads it and destroys it. A husband may see the letter and, never having been told the truth, urge her to ignore it. Older women may have dementia or Alzheimer's and be unable to comprehend, or respond, and other family members may ignore it, especially if they have never heard of this lost child. And the adoptee will get no response. He or she will never know what happened to the letter.

That's why I am not in favor of writing to a birth mother to make the initial contact--unless you already have gotten an affirmative about about approaching her. Over on the sidebar there is a link to Writing the First Letter.

If you have no idea how she will respond, screw up your courage and call. If you get her on the phone, first tell her you have something personal to discuss and ask her if this is a good time to talk privately. If she says no, ask her when you may call back. By this point, she may have figured out what you are talking about, that you are not calling to tell her that some long lost uncle left her a million dollars in his will. She may recognize a voice or certain speech patterns similar to hers. In all likelihood, she probably knows who you are. If she balks, quickly tell her that you do not want to hurt her or disrupt her life, which implies that she may keep her secret (you). I hate writing this, but I'm going with reality here, rather than sugar coating. Some women are impenetrable and may only proceed if they can keep the adoptee secret. I recently read a novel, Eden, in which this is a good part of the plot.

Since this is going to be frightening to do, write out a script of what you want to say. You may simply read from the script. I did this when I called my daughter's parents' house--she was 15 at the time--because I would have been too scattered to get out a whole sentence without losing it. It went like this: My name is Lorraine Dusky and 15 years ago in Rochester, New York I had a daughter on April 5, and I think that girl is Jane....

An adoptee would turn it around: I was born in XYZ on XYZ and the DNA indicates that you are almost certainly my mother (or sister, brother, aunt, cousin)....

You don't know what will happen when you make that phone call, but it does put control into your hands rather than someone else's, and control over your life and identity to a large part has been taken away from you. This not only gives you control, it is likely to yield more positive results than letting someone else be the go-between. The same is true of the adoptee calling a sibling, if the parents are deceased or in denial. They are your relatives, and you the adopted may contact them as you wish.

Remember: It is always much easier to say no to a go-between rather than the person asking for herself. This certainly demands courage, but you may never find the answers you are hoping for or the relationships with relatives you may desire to know--or the medical history you want--unless you reach out yourself. Only you can decide if it is worth trying, knowing you may face rejection. You control the situation.--lorraine

Anyone have any stories to tell about making such a call?
______________________

Also see:

Contacting siblings when a woman denies she is 'the' first mother

When is the right time to contact your natural parent?

How shame keeps birth mothers from embracing reunion

TO READ

Finding Family: My Search for Roots and the Secrets in My DNA

t of 5 starsafter he learned to his great surprise as he was heading off to college that ...

ByAuntiejeanon November 2, 2014

Format: Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase

This story is the fascinating account of the author's long and determined search for the truth about his biological 

parentage, after he learned to his great surprise as he was heading off to college that he had been adopted at birth.

The circumstances of his birth had been a secret known only to a few. He learned that his adoptive parents had 

intended him to know, but circumstances had led them to protect their child from embarrassment by keeping the 

story from him--- in the 1940's -50's, a time when having been born to unwed parents was usually considered 

something to hide.