Annie Lane's damaging advice: When one child has an open adoption, and the other doesn't

So-wrong-about-adoption
Annie Lane

Annie Lane, a columnist with Creators Syndicate, offered up some noxious advice recently to "Anxious Adopter," who has two adopted children, a girl, 6, and a boy, 4. The boy's adoption is open and he visits his first/birth mother twice a year. The girl's natural mother, however, requested a completely closed adoption. There's the rub. The girl wonders why she does not have another family like her brother has. Lane tells the adoptive mother: "You might want to consider whether these visits would be good to continue in the long run. Are they good for your son? Do they confuse him?" Clearly a not-subtle recommendation that Anxious cut off contact with the boy's mother to spare the girl any disappointment, as well as to make life easier for "Anxious Adopter."


SHOCKING IGNORANCE ABOUT ADOPTION
Lane continues: "Open adoption works for some families but others find it overwhelming for the kids. Do not let feelings of sympathy or guilt cloud your judgment. Your children's best interests must come first." Lane is distressingly unaware that openness in adoption is in children's best interests. It grew out of the increasing awareness that closed adoption was harmful to many adoptees, and a growing demand from both adoptees and birth mothers that sealed records be unsealed. The industry moved into open adoption not only to ward off the damage to adoptees from not knowing their identity and history, but also because it was getting harder to find enough babies to fill the demand for them at the same time the number of babies available for adoption began to decline. Openness--with birth mothers having contact--would seem to encourage more women to give up their children.

Jane 

But Lane's advice could prove damaging, if not disastrous to the boy, his mother, as well as Anxious Adopter. If she ends her son's visits, he won't understand why he can't see his other mother, and may think he did something wrong. He may become angry and act out. He will be abandoned again, once he understands everything. The boy's natural mother will be devastated when the promise that she could have visits with her son is broken. In time, the little girl may eventually understand what happened, and see herself to blame herself for her brother's loss of his other mother and family. A whole chain reaction of issues will be unleashed because of a careless piece of advice by someone who is anything but an adoption specialist.  Anxious Adopter will have to deal with the fall out, and the children are likely to become anxious and distrustful.

Lane should have advised Anxious to search out the daughter's first  mother--the agency or lawyer knows who she is--and ask if she is now amenable to contact. (That anyone would do this to a child in recent years is mind-boggling, given what we know, but that is another post.) The mother may have thought (or been led to believe by adoption practitioner) that a closed adoption would allow her to go on with her life with nary a backward glance. She had no way of knowing how she would feel after her daughter was gone, or that her daughter would want contact with her. The baby was likely whisked away before she could change her mind. Or maybe she just stubbornly wanted to cut off any contact, despite any urgings to the opposite.

The  birth mother's story

If the daughter's mother won't budge from her "out of sight, out of mind" delusion, Anxious should deal with the truth to her daughter as best she can. Yes, that's not a conversation anyone will enjoy having, but this does demonstrate the unthinking adoption attorney or agency that facilitated her second adoption--an open one in contrast to the earlier one in that family.  Anxious might also encourage the boy's first mother to include the girl in some of their activities. I know of a case where this happened. Sort of like a grandmother including a step grandchild in outings with her bio-grandchild. Of course, having the boy's first mother step in is not a substitute for the girls's first mother but may ease her pain.

We commend Anxious for keeping her promises to the birth mother for continuing the visits, but someone should have pointed out that this was going to create a huge problem for her eldest down the line and this second child should have gone to someone else. All we see here is an industry focused on business-as-usual, the emotional implications to the first child be damned!

We have had a mother commenting here before who was dealing with a similar issue; I hope she comes back and tells her story.

and the adoptive mother's
suggestions

Though incredibly difficult, Anxious should deal with the issue head first, and in as gentle way as possible, tell the girl the truth, if Anxious cannot reach or change the mind of the girl's biological mother. Truth here sucks, but depriving the boy of contact with his birth mother--as well as breaking the promise to her--will be much more damaging in the long run. Can you imagine the conversation 15 years hence? Oh yes, I cut off contact with your mother because it was too hard for me to handle, what with your sister's birth mother....

ANYONE CAN BE AN ADVICE COLUMNIST
There's no educational requirements to be an advice columnist, no state licensing agency to assure that columnists have even a scintilla of information on adoption and human relationships. They gain their fans by parroting popular views on social issues. Lane is a law school graduate whose career includes working in a bookstore and teaching yoga. Her predecessor at Creators Syndicate was Ann Landers who, during the last half of the past century, urged unwed mothers to save their children from the ignominy of bastardy and themselves from a life of working in a dime store by--well, you know--giving up those children to adoption. Furthermore, Landers chastised adoptees searching for their original families, and opposed legislation unsealing original birth certificates. During this time, her twin sister, Abagail Van Buren, spewed out the same misinformation as Dear Abby; so did pop psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers. In one reference I found, Brothers even claimed the adopted did better than the non-adopted because they "had a more positive world view and had a higher level of self-confidence than the non-adopted."

Whew! What a load of poppycock!

Today, a large chorus sings the same refrain. In addition to Lane, there's Dr. Laura, a staunch opponent of adoptees searching (would you have preferred to be tossed in the abortionist's bucket? is her chorus line) and Marguerite Kelly (accepting the primacy of the adoptive family is the price adoptees must pay for being loved). Carolyn Hax urges women seeking to become pregnant through sperm donation to insist that the donor remain anonymous, and praises a grandmother who wishes her daughter's child had been given up for adoption. Amy Dickinson casts a jaundiced eye on a daughter who wants her first parents to adopt her. Dear Prudence perpetuates the myth that mothers who give up their infants never wanted them and that the child's mother is the woman who raised her. Last but not least are TV personalities the affable Dr. Phil and the more stern Dr. Drew, who repeatedly assures MTV's sympathetic but unhappy Teen Mom Catelynn Lowell, now Baltierra, that she made the "right decision" in giving up her daughter Carly.

We first mothers cannot shut up these self-appointed experts who seem to be mouthpieces for continuing adoption as usual, despite what we know about how it affects the psyche of the adopted, as well as the mother. But we can counter their message. Speak out publicly if you can--and many of us can. Let your friends and family know what it is like to give up a child. Adoptees can speak out too when possible, about the need to know, to connect to people who share their DNA and heritage, people who look and act in ways large and small like them. Find a platform and get on it. Silence hurts us all, and lets the next adoption be encouraged because everyone knows a happy adoptee who is perfectly content and not interested in her natural family! Start with emailing Annie Lane and--the places where the column runs--to say that she's just plain wrong about open adoption and is going more damage than good. Always servicing the adoptive parents and giving them the easy out is not in the best interests of the child.
(dearannie@creators.com)
--jane
_______________________________
Adopted Daughter Has Questions
About Annie Lane

FROM FMF:
When Your Adopted Child Wants to Visit Her Birthmother
On grieving for a grandchild NOT placed for adoption
The Daughter I Never Wanted and other lies about adoption in the media
(Pro) Adoption Special: Dr. Drew encourages teen mom to give up their babies
Joyce Brothers touted the advantages of being adopted
Birth mothers think of their children lost to adoption

TO READ
Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption
By Patricia Dischler

0 out of 5 starsGreat read for adoptive and biological parents alike

ByMary Beth Rawlson September 9, 2017

Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase

The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole
By Lori Holden 

5.0 out of 5 starsComprehensive Yet Accessible!!!

ByLeeon July 8, 2014

Format: Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase...