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| Lorraine |
Making the comparison, despite how it is framed, usually draws a number of comments from people unhappy with the comparison; yet at its core, the contracts of adoption still drawn up today in states where birth certificates are altered and thus, original ties are obliterated, result in social engineering as wrong as slavery was; the contracts involving adoption also treat the individual as a legal res to be handed over to another party, without input from said individual, at the time of delivery, and into the unending future. As the late Cyril Means wrote: "Apart from slavery there is no other instance in our laws, or in any other jurisprudence in civilized system of jurisprudence, in which a contract made among adults, in respect of an infant, can bind that child once he reaches his majority." |
| The poignant story of searching for family after the Civil War |
Cyril Means was the attorney who represented ALMA (Adoptee Liberty Movement Association) in a class action lawsuit (ALMA v. Mellon) to unseal the birth records of all the adopted. Though the suit failed--we see how long this failed social policy is taking to derail--his words still stand as an unerring statement of the full ramifications of adoption, no matter how loving the adoptive family, how content the adopted.
Judge James L. Oakes rejected the arguments for unsealing birth records of the adopted, and wrote in his infamous 1979 decision that one of the reasons he would not find sealed records unconstitutional was that doing so would have a deleterious effect on the institution of adoption. The Supreme Court declined to hear the case, and his opinion still stands. If ever there was an example of how society views adoption as a unquestionable good, this is it--and it totally obliterates the concept that the adopted should have anything to say about their lot.
Adopted individuals could continue to be stripped of any knowledge of their true parentage and thus ancestry. Legally they would be as if: born to their adoptive parents. Their first mothers, their biological mothers, would disappear into the mist and "make a new life" for themselves without looking back. The adoptive family would be enough--or all the adopted were entitled to--forever. The system would effectively wipe out any past before adoption. But the heart has its reasons beyond man-made laws and natural bonds of blood cannot so neatly be dissolved by a signature on paper that will one day crumble. States have since begin changing their laws, and are slowly doing away with the bad social engineering that the laws created. Yet not quickly enough to affect thousands--millions--of adoptees who have lived and died under the damning cudgel of sealed records.
Here is the comment that sparked this post:
Thank you for writing this. I am an adoptee who was told how much I cost. (One adoptive grandmother told me when I was a child that I was not worth the money paid and that I should have been an abortion.) I was sexually, physically, emotionally, and verbally abused. As a child, when I spoke to the adoption agency counselors, my priest, and teachers, they all responded that I should be grateful. That things could be much worse. Much worse?
Upon reaching adulthood, I am still forbidden from knowing my family medical history and am subjected to numerous expensive medical tests because the basics aren't known about my family. In my state, it's legal to lie to the adoptee about identifying information, like birthdate, nationalities, etc. It leaves me feeling like a second class citizen. I'm almost 50 years old and I am still forbidden from knowing where I came from. I know more about my rescued dog than I do about myself. It's disgusting. I never agreed to this!
Reading that first mothers view adoption as a form of slavery is a relief. When I have voiced this, only fellow adoptees have related. Those not affected by adoption say it isn't the same. To me, it is. I was purchased with cash without my consent. I am bound my rules and laws that I did not consent too. I was sexually abused, physically beaten, emotionally and verbally abused and I'm supposed to be grateful to those that tortured me. With the current laws, I will never reach the age of maturity. I will never have access to my original birth certificate.
I'm so disgusted that people will not recognize that many individuals are damaged by adoption.--Anonymous
Of course not every adoption is like this; many adoptees do not want to search. But that does not diminish this one woman's truth. This arrived just after we were coming off the idea of the "gift" of a baby (see previous post)--which turns my stomach--and then seeing a post by an adoptive mother writing (with the other mother-to-be's permission) about getting a call from the woman who already gave them at least one child that she was pregnant again...and wanted the woman to adopt her child when it was born in June. That blog and photo pushed me to use the missive above as the basis for a post. The mother-to-be obviously supplied a photograph of herself, smiling, with a sign over her belly that said something like, Do Not Open Til June, thus encouraging the idea of the gift she was carrying for the adoptive mother. I didn't keep the link--perhaps just as well--because I could hardly stand to dwell on it. The milieu of The Handmaid's Tale is here.--lorraine
The original post that triggered the above comment:
Why Is Adoption Like Slavery?
NOTE: Comments are unlikely to be posted at these old blogs; if you wish to comment do so here where the discussion is current.
TO READ:
Help Me to Find My People: The African American Search for Family Lost in Slavery
A remarkable book. Author Heather Andrea Williams, a historian and associate professor at the University of North Carolina, has amassed a rich collection of newspaper advertisements, letters, diaries, and written narratives attesting to the worst legacy of slavery: the separation of families, and the lifelong search for reunion. "Babies were snatched from their mothers' breasts and sold to speculators. Children was separated from sisters and brothers and never saw each other again. Course they cry; you think they not cry when they was sold like cattle? I could tell you about it all day, but even then you couldn't guess the awfulness of it."--Delia Garlic, a former slave.--from Lorraine review of this amazing book.
Broken Bonds: The undeniable connection between slavery and adoption
ALSO FROM FMF
A remarkable book. Author Heather Andrea Williams, a historian and associate professor at the University of North Carolina, has amassed a rich collection of newspaper advertisements, letters, diaries, and written narratives attesting to the worst legacy of slavery: the separation of families, and the lifelong search for reunion. "Babies were snatched from their mothers' breasts and sold to speculators. Children was separated from sisters and brothers and never saw each other again. Course they cry; you think they not cry when they was sold like cattle? I could tell you about it all day, but even then you couldn't guess the awfulness of it."--Delia Garlic, a former slave.--from Lorraine review of this amazing book.
Broken Bonds: The undeniable connection between slavery and adoption
ALSO FROM FMF
The right to know your origins in an inalienable right
Lorraine, this is a terrific post. Please forgive me if this comment is too off-topic, but I wanted to hear your thoughts about a recent story. This is the closed adoption to end all closed adoptions.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-40961137
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-40823438
Steve, the story of the 10-year-old rape victim who could not get an abortion is sickening. And they are not telling her what happened either, but then she would hardly understand. The rapist--her uncle--ought to be castrated. Yes, castrated, and then sent to prison for a decade.
DeleteLorraine, I only got as far as the fourth paragraph of your post.
ReplyDeleteSo, the "institution of adoption" was and is more important than the adopted. Who /what does the "institution of adoption" serve?
Missouri, yeah thanks for throwing the descendants under the bus so you could allow adoptees their OBC. If you were going to give my Dad his OBC why the heck can't I have it? My link to MY truth and MY ancestors, My reality. Not that lying unrighteous document that says he was born to others. He most certainly was not. It's no different than saying the adopted one came from under a cabbage leaf! It's a big, stinking, ugly lie. Those who continue to obstruct justice obviously have no comprehension of what this does to a person, or they simply don't care about the "best interest" of the ones this is supposedly in the best interest of. What other conclusion is there?
Disclaimer- For those that are content with a lying document and the status quo, this does not pertain to you. I would ask however, have you ever considered how your children and future descendants might feel? This doesn't only effect you.
Cindy, I hope you are reaching out personally and as vociferously to the legislator in MO who insisted on curtailing the access in that state with your story. As I recall--but I am not sure about this, does anyone remember?--it was an adoptive mother in the legislature who threw the clinks into the MO bill, and that was the only way she allowed it to be passed. But doing that is unnecessarily cruel and unusual, and was obviously a sop to her to get the bill passed.
ReplyDeleteOne would like to go to her and tell her that she is adopted and she has no right to any birth certificate, and thus, any knowledge of her forebears. I do not understand how the legislators cannot figuratively walk in the shoes of the adopted for one hour. Then they would understand why sealed records are a perversion of reality.
I hope you went back and read the rest of the post....
I did go back and read the rest of the post. Well done it is too.
DeleteReaching out to the state or others? Every time I "get fired up" it seems so does the work load and other demands take my time. It's frustrating to me and I often feel thwarted. Maybe I'm making more out of the demands than are truly there as every. single. other. time. I attempted to get information or even a reply there was none coming. It was similar in ways I imagine a body slam to feel. Knocked me flat. I need to function or things become unmanageable quickly.
I have, several times, considered contacting the main bill sponsor and still have in mind to try that approach. Without backup or -any- support system I'm not strong enough to go right into the lion's den...yet.
Maybe you have motivated (funny, I started to write the word, mothered) me to make a greater effort. I do realize for the adopted and their descendants what is at stake.
Adoption is far more than similar to slavery. It is COMMUNIST. People never talk enough about what happened in Russia to millions of Christians and the devils behind that, but Lenin and Stalin were globalist minded and so was Herbert Lehman. He had connections to Russia and admired the control being implemented there. No wonder he started such an evil system in America, that was and still is world wide now called closed (and forced) adoption.
ReplyDeleteMy daughters adoptive parents closed her adoption after they made promises to me. They told me I'm not her mother and she doesn't need any more pain. Her mom and dad are her adoptive parents. They didn't tell about me at all. Close adoption is for the adoptive parents.
ReplyDeleteHeartbroken I am sorry the same thing happen to me. After 20 years, I found my daughter and her A parents on facebook ,and I was able to tell her adoptive parent exactly what adoption had done to me. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.We natural mothers are often told not to upset the adpotive parents but I felt they needed to know what they did was not ok and not in the best interest of the child they claim to love.
DeleteHeartbroken I am sorry the same thing happen to me. After 20 years, I found my daughter and her A parents on facebook ,and I was able to tell her adoptive parent exactly what adoption had done to me. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.We natural mothers are often told not to upset the adpotive parents but I felt they needed to know what they did was not ok and not in the best interest of the child they claim to love.
DeleteDear Cat and Heartbroken--Speaking out and letting the world know that we are not all "fine" and that losing a child to adoption is a devastating act with lifelong impact will help other susceptible women realize that if they carry a child to term under almost all circumstances they should find a way to keep the child. Yes, I mean that in all of its implications. This is much of the reason I had to write Birthmark--to warn women NOT to give their babies to others.
DeleteI would only caution to others that it is best not to dump all of one's pain out there to the adoptee initially because it could backfire. Adoptees often feel they are responsible for their adoptive parents' happiness in ways that natural children do not, and now suddenly they may find they have a new mother whose mental health is also their responsibility. It's a fine line to toe, but walk it we must.
Recently returned from visiting friends and family in my home state far away: one, an aunt now in her nineties. Only at the very end of our time together did she mention ruefully that her adopted daughter had called her recently "a couple of times." Evidently it did not go well; my aunt appeared noticeably upset and hastily changed the subject.
ReplyDeleteAfterwards I spoke at length--and not in her earshot--to my cousin who is my closest relative from my family-of-origin, my aunt's biological son. When she could bear no more children, my aunt and (now-deceased) uncle took in a baby girl in a closed adoption in 1965. At the time they were told that due to their ages--my aunt was then forty--they did not qualify to adopt again.
I've written about this at FMF before, but for all their good intentions, among other things my uncle and aunt simply did not know how to let the girl grow up. Her intense rages started in early childhood and never stopped. When after the evening with my aunt, I told the acousin's older brother that she recently had called their mother, he was most distressed: This sister has been convicted of two counts of elder abuse toward my aunt. This acousin also has skipped bail, may not physically enter the state in which my aunt lives, and is forbidden to contact her in any way, including by telephone.
So I'm back home, and my vigilant cousin will be looking into the contact situation if he hasn't already. I expect that my aunt will discuss it reluctantly.
For the record, despite the closed adoption, at one point some years ago, my acousin said that she had located her bmother. She even changed her name, briefly, to her bmother's EXACT name. That didn't go well, and neither did her brief period of contact with her. It's my understanding that my acousin and her bmother cut off contact.
So the beat goes on, as the song title says: more than fifty years of fallout from a closed adoption of the BSE...
Oh....that is a sad story. Thank you for sharing it here. People assume that adoption is just always wonderful...and fixes all problems. Instead, it often creates new ones. Elsewhere today I read a story about a first mother who has been arrested for killing her daughter when she returned; that is terrible enough, but the story also says that her adoptive mother wanted her gone when she, the daughter, did not get along with her new fiance. The teenager was a highly functioning autistic person, the story stated.
DeleteThanks; I was afraid that this addition to the family saga was TMI. In addition to what's stated above, I neglected to mention that by telephoning my aunt, this acousin has broken the law by repeatedly violating a longstanding restraining order. *Sigh*
DeleteLorraine, in your 'Why Is Adoption Like Slavery' post you state, "the contract between the birth mother and the state destroys the legal and real identity of the individual in most states for all eternity."
ReplyDeleteUnless they are doing things much differently now, this statement does not ring true to me as the only 'contract' the (birth) mother enters, is one surrendering, willingly or unwillingly, her parental rights to her child. The contract that "destroys the legal and real identity...for all eternity" is the contract of adoption entered into by the adoptive parent/s and the state. If the child is never adopted they have their real identity and legal availability to it.
Cindy, technically you are right; but in if a mother enters into a closed adoption the signing of the termination of rights paper does make her a party to the sealing of the original birth certificate. AND SHE KNOWS IT. Unless she is too young, or incompetent, to understand. When I signed, I was hardly aware of any differnce than being forced to agree to the destroying of my daughter's right to know me.
Delete@Lo,
ReplyDeleteactually during the BSE, quite a few states still had open records. So it is not surprising that many mothers had no idea that records were sealed when , later on, adoptees tried to search.
@Cindy, I agree with you.A relinquishment does not seal an original birth certificate; nor does a relinquishment demand that a child even be be adopted. Many "relinquished children" are never adopted. From a legal standpoint, records were sealed by state action....for reasons that are not needed and are usually related to adoptive parents and agencies' desires.(Georgia Tann and the TN Children's Home had a lot to do with it, and others) And this is how we have been slowly getting them OPEN.
Mothers did not seal records. Mothers also did not "enter into " a contract to seal birth certificates when they signed relinquishments. This is really a stretch.as it was not even known what the outcome would be. Sealed records and adoption/loss of original birth identity didn't have to go together.We didn't have to be separated forever.....or at all.....usually.
And some of us defied that system and found our children. Or they found us.
You are right, Kitta, I think Minnesota was among the first to slam shut the records--rules, right!, gotta have rules--and then states started following suit in the thirties, fourties fifties and even a few laggards in the sixties if I remember right. As I have written several times, and written about extensively in hole in my heart, when I learned during the adoption process that giving up my daughter--I am going to always use this language no matter what the damn adoption police say--meant that her birth certificate would be sealed forever...I had a conniption right there in the agency's office to no avail. That was the worst part of the adoption. And I immediately knew that one day I would search for her.the laws be damned. Just as sealing her original and true birth record was the law, so was slavery once protected by law.
DeleteI also knew that adoptive parents had already been chosen and were waiting for my daughter (unless they were lying, and the social worker was not). So to me, and to I would venture to say, any mother in a closed-record state, going through a legal adoption we understood that signing the relinquishment papers meant the original records of our children would be sealed. Of course those cases where there was no adoption, no new birth certificate.
In the end, mothers were coerced to be part of the policy that forever controlled the lives of our children--until the law would come tumbling down.
[To me, it is. I was purchased with cash without my consent.]
ReplyDeleteI believe most people - particularly adoptees - do not wish to believe they were "purchased." They will say "Of course adoptive parents pay money for a baby, but SOMEONE has to be paid to process the paperwork. Why is that any different from the fees paid to a hospital or a clinic to help in a non adoption scenario? The mother is STILL handing over transactions to ensure her baby is delivered safely."
I think even if it is true - even if the adoptee will agree on some level that without the process of payment that the adoptive parents would not be their parents (ie. purchased) - they don't want to view it that way, because "most" adoptees were treated lovingly and in good care. That is what adoption aims to do: match up loving couples with babies.
[I am bound my rules and laws that I did not consent too. I was sexually abused, physically beaten, emotionally and verbally abused and I'm supposed to be grateful to those that tortured me.]
I'm not "allowed" to use my birth name. Of course, I still legally have it - it was never banned or voided, but *socially*, no one uses it except for me. But IN MY OPINION, that isn't abuse. Abuse is when you are physically and/or mentally harmed.
So when one thinks slavery, they do not think "loving parents." They think of a person who is literally stolen, or documents falsified by people who *intend* to beat them down, either physically and/or mentally, by people who do not love the person who was "stolen." This is not the case for many adoptive parents who *do* treat their (grown) adult children well and were not physically/mentally abusive.
The funny thing about adoption is that people are so quick to say "Blood doesn't matter."
ReplyDeleteOf course they are saying that. Blood is not what ties people together in adoption - laws do. So of course people are quick to convince themselves "Blood doesn't matter." Or maybe they truly believe that way?
In any case, genetic resemblance is important. I have seen so many comments on Facebook pertaining to my cousins who are starting families of their own and everyone is so proud to have their genetic lineage because that is what you do - you pass on your blood lineage to your nieces and nephews, right?
It's really neat seeing my niece at age 14 looking like a late teenage version of my mom - and of course they look alike - they literally have DNA and ancestors in common. But when my grandpa died a few years ago and my cousin spent endless hours looking up the family genealogy, I realized I felt isolated because I couldn't see myself reflected in anyone.
I'm more fascinated by seeing my blood nephews grow up because they actually look like me - I didn't get to grow up having someone mirror me, and didn't realize how much this mattered until I was 18 and saw them in pictures for the first time. This stuff IS important.
People don't realize how amazing and incredible it is to see themselves reflected in another human being, because they have been able to do so their entire lives.
"you pass on your blood lineage to your nieces and nephews, right?"
ReplyDeletehi Mei-ling, nice to "see you"...I used to converse with you on another forum as "kitz"..and yes, we do pass on parts of our shared selves to our offspring. So, we do see these traits and physical characteristics mirrored.
The older I get the more i can see it.
It is there in grandkids, cousins, nieces, nephews, and also in photos of older ancestors who have long passed.
Studying the lives of older ancestors gives us clues to what we have inherited from them, their interests and talents, and even quirks of personality if we are able to uncover this information for ourselves.
I think it is important to know this. I don't understand why some people deny its importance.
Agreeing with Cindy and Kitta, surrendering a child does not seal the birth record, as proved by cases where the child was never adopted and went into foster care, or an institution in cases of severe handicap, or died before being legally adopted. We used to tell searching mothers to send for the original birth certificate first, and if it came back, that usually meant the child was never adopted and something was gravely wrong. If they got the "no such person exists" letter, that proved an adoption had taken place.
ReplyDeleteWhen I signed the surrender it did not occur to me that my child would ever want to know me, but I did not know the record was legally sealed or an amended BC issued. Nobody explained that to me, of course. I knew I was never to look for him, but had no idea he could not find me. I was too devastated and beaten down to ask any questions, just went along in silence. I did not foresee any future for myself at that point. Obviously nobody promised me anonymity from my son or anything else.
On the subject of identity, my son was on a business trip to a Slavic country near Hungary, where his birth father was born. He said he felt he "fit in" because so many people looked like him. He does resemble his father, and also my family, half-Polish, same general area. He has said few "typical" adoptee statements, but that certainly was one. It made me smile.
An addition about mothers who sent for the OBC and got it; I personally know of cases where the child remained in foster care forever, due to the fact that they had some disability the mother was never told about, or years ago because mixed-race babies were considered "hard to place". One awful case was a mother whose child had a severe genetic defect, and was found in the same institution as the mother's brother who suffered from the same problem. Again, the mother was never told. Other tragedies were babies who died before being legally adopted, one where the adoptive father fell on the child while carrying him. The only other situations I heard of where the mother got the OBC and there had been an adoption were cross-state adoptions where something got misfiled. A child born in one state and adopted in another created one more layer of legal complications.
ReplyDeleteThose of you who have your surrender papers, if you surrendered to an agency in the days of closed adoptions; if you read carefully you will see that you did not give your child directly to adoptive parents, but to the agency. Presumably the agency could do anything they wanted with that child, and since you had surrendered your parental rights, you would never know. Private adoptions through a lawyer worked differently; sometimes the mother handed the baby over to the adoptive parents, but if the baby was given to the lawyer, that made a legal loophole made famous in the Steinberg child abuse murder case. Michelle Launders handed her baby girl to lawyer Joel Steinberg to arrange an adoption, but instead Steinberg and and his common law wife and fellow coke-head Hedda Nussbaum kept the baby, then did the same thing again with a baby boy, who was later returned to his real mother thanks to the work of birthmother activist Mirah Riben. Both children were neglected and abused, and the little girl was murdered by her child-stealing "parents".
There are similarities between the way first mothers were treated in the Baby Scoop Era and the way slave mothers were treated. Both were forced to bear a child regardless of their wishes. Some saw this as fit punishment for being raped, being ignorant, or having sex with the wrong man at the wrong time.
ReplyDeleteBoth BSE and slave mothers had little choice about rearing their children. Like slavery Adoption produced a commodity which in the case of adoption could be sold on the "Stork Market" and in the case of slavery at the slave auction when the child was old enough to work. In the meantime, having a child made the slave mother capable of being a wet nurse, much in demand by Southern women who didn't want to bother with mothering.
Today women with unplanned pregnancies have more choices, yet some are deceived through promises of openness or clever marketing to give up their babies. Women of color in some foreign countries continue to be treated much like American slaves. No choice on whether to bear a child and little choice on whether to raise the child.
No Lorraine, I am not a party to the sealing of the original birth certificate. I didn't want that, I didn't ask for that, I didn't know that they would do that. I didn't want my son adopted to begin with. I wanted my son. The world shit on me and by associated cruelty, him. I'm tired of mothers being made to take the blame /responsibility for every bit of wrongness that is man made adoption. No, just no. We will have to disagree. My dad (who was an adoptee) knew his real name. I had no idea that they (the perpetrators of separating mother and child) would be so horrifyingly cruel in this matter too.
ReplyDeleteCindy I am so sorry I know your pain like my own my little girl was victim to a blonde woman and a rich husband because I didn't have the financial backing to pay for a lawyer so I was given one by the court but as you know he didn't care to fight for my family because his was safe as long as he didn't create a wave for CPS so slowly but surely I lost my beautiful baby girl and then I lost my faith in God and the will to live on when the court house said I wasn't good enough for airamie. My best friend and my hero gave me a reason to smile and then a reason to believe in the human race. I have been remarried since airamie was with me but she knows who Billy is and it's amazing how much my little boy looks so much like her it's scary and I pray every single night that she will remember me because I will not be completed until she comes home.
Delete[[[[Big hug]]]], Cindy. I wish there was something I could do... is there?
ReplyDeleteMrsTBb thanks for the big hug, it helped. Other than keep speaking out, no, there really isn't any thing this side of going in and finding a way to make a law and shut down this practice. That would be cool. It helps to know that others understand. Darn, I wish no one understood. It would mean this thing called adoption loss was a rare happening. So many of us. Too many of us.
DeleteI'm sorry it took me so long to get back. I had the opportunity to dive into some heavy manual labour and I took it. It's cheap therapy, at least dollar wise, my body doesn't think much of it and wishes my mind would get it's act together. Big hug right back.
@Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI did not want my son to be adopted either, and I was actively fighting the relinquishment/adoption. My parents had placed me under guardianship with relatives on the West Coast.
i tried to get help from an agency that billed itself as "helping everyone." HA! Not really....
But, if my family had been willing to help me, we would have been okay. My father had the power to help us stay together or plan an adoption. I begged my parents to help me keep /raise my son. They refused. My father planned the adoption but my mother went along with it . (my father was an attorney who had worked with adoption agencies before....ugh).
So, when the worker began calling me and telling me "get down here and sign these surrender papers" I knew it was over. She had already told me she would terminate my rights in court. And the laws allowed her to do that.
Oh Kitta that's so sad. Those agencies and s.s. workers are SO helpful aren't they? Helpful for themselves perhaps, certainly not a mother in need. I'm so sorry your parents did that to you and your son. It is such a huge betrayal when family tears apart family...and then expects you to pretend like nothing happened. I don't think they realize that you cannot tear your daughter's family (her and her child) apart and expect her to continue to treat them like family is the most important thing. It sure wasn't to them and they taught that with the worst kind of "lesson". They tell us by tearing us apart that 'family doesn't matter', even though it very much does. I think it shattered a core belief in me and that is why I had/have such a hard time mentally *being family* to my parents. Too much cognitive dissonance.
DeleteBig hugs to you too Kitta. Big hugs to you and MrsTBb and Lorraine and Jane and Maryanne and Cat and oh just everybody who has lost a child to adoption.
I hope for far fewer new parents to walk this journey in the days and years to come. It's hard to see a tough situation as only temporary and sometimes things seem hopeless but talk to **everyone** you know. I mean everyone. You never know who might be able and willing to provide you with the temporary support you need or direct you to support that is willing to honour your wishes. It's hell to find out in the weeks, months, or years after, that there might have been that one. single. person. who would have moved heaven and earth to help you keep your child. Or could give you a 'home' to bring baby home to and could help you find other resources before making such a permanent forever life altering """"choice""""" as adoption. Baby deserves it's mother. The only one it knows.
Kitta, your situation was terrible...you were backed up against the wall and had no choice.
DeleteSomeone who has commented here posted on Facebook how she (an adoptee) got a kick out of coming her and giving our readers grief and how "difficult" it was to get pregnant. The implication was that must have been quite slutty to get pregnant in the first place. I didn't react on Facebook because there was no point, but I hope she reads the comments from you and Cindy.
A closed adoption is like a wall coming down between you and your child.
ReplyDeleteYou remain behind the wall, and your child goes on into what is advertised as a brilliant future, but what is in fact an unknown future.
You remain behind the wall and are treated as if you are a criminal. Someone who must not, under any circumstances, know where her little child has gone.
So you walk on with the shape of your child beside you in everything you do. The sadness is so immense. The waking up is so overwhelming when you do eventually wake up.
Closed adoption is cruel for everyone except the adoptive parents. They gain massively from the utter emotional and psychological torture of the mother and child.
Cherry, yes, so true. Mother and child treated as a criminal if we even think out loud about the other. Ask for information or an OBC and you've got others hyperventilating. Thick brick wall no sight, no sound, can't be climbed, no (and know) nothing.
DeleteJust prior to my son finding me, I had started a letter to the Governor asking for a pardon. If my son had not found me, and Missouri had not moved forward (albeit with cruel limitations) in OBC access for adoptees, I would have mailed it.
Maybe that would be the way to go. Write the requests for open records and OBC access as request for a reprieve or a pardon! ...for our most awful "crime". The adoptee is purely innocent so that should carry even more weight.
When will the rest of this country get the understanding of the intense cruelty that is closed adoption. It's a life sentence but for the fortunate.