Impressions of the 2016 ASAC Conference: Good Job!

Lorraine at 2016 conference of Alliance for the Study
of Adoption and Culture in Minneapolis
Thanks to Penny Needham for photo

That adoption is not a universal good and that it is fraught for the adopted individual--and natural mothers go into a certain kind of hell--was for me the overall takeaway at the sixth biennial conference of the Alliance for Adoption and Culture (ASAC) last week in Minneapolis.

At a panel on Adoption and Social Engineering--it could have said Adoption as Social Engineering--Kori Graves of the State University of New York at Albany--spoke of how black families were carelessly, but systematically, denied the pathway to adopt black children in the past, and the movement to have white families adopt transracially began. That adoption might be better regulated with an eye to reducing the actual number of adoptions came out at another session. Overall it was refreshing to walk away knowing the conference did not present adoption as this warm and fuzzy concept that was a wonderful answer to parents who could not have "their own" children, or who adopted because "there are so many babies that need to be adopted."

Mind-blowing

Yet how pervasive is adoption among the educated class was evident in two encounters I had with other women at the hotel who were not attending the conference. Another one was going on at the same time, same floor, where the business center was also located. Chatting at the elevators while waiting was common. One woman asked what conference I was associated with, and when I told her, she immediately offered with a huge smile that her daughter was adopted. The elevator door closed behind me as this she imparted this information, and I happily I did not have to react.The other woman, in expensive jeans, a fab jacket and boots to die for, offered that she had had to adopt her daughter--the daughter was born by surrogate and had to be legally adopted after birth. Again I was glad the door shut behind her as I got off and she rose to a higher floor.

As for the conference, having me there as the first night keynote speaker was a signal that attitudes had changed since I attended the 2007 ASAC gathering in Pittsburgh. There I had felt like an outlier. I ate several meals alone. However this year--with attendance from a huge number of adoptees--many if not most who had been adopted transracially--the attitude was a shift away from that previous chill I felt as a natural mother amidst the pro-adoption crowd to a rich understanding of how any adoption involves pain--of the adoptee, and the birth/biological mother.

Minnesota is home to many Korean adoptees, due to the influence of Holt International and Lutheran Family Services--which fed a lot of Korean children into the area--and many of those adoptees are academics themselves and they were well represented at the conference. A general awareness that they were possibly unnecessarily adopted--due to the eagerness of the agencies involved and the unfortunate social policy of South Korea--pervaded the conference. Any social-welfare money in South Korea went to orphanages rather than helping families recover from the devastating effect of the Korean War, which did leave a great many children without parents. Due to the dire poverty initially many did need homes out of country in the Fifties and Sixties, but when it was time to shift the policy, the government stayed the course and the number of out-of-country adoptions, instead of shrinking, continued to rise.

An extraordinary book--
the pages weep with exquisite prose

Some parents who took their children to an orphanage, where they would get food and an education, intended to claim them at a later date, say, when the harvest was over. But often parents found that their children had been sent away and adopted in one of several countries: the United States, Sweden, Norway, France, Italy, Belgium. This displacement of children from Korea, which had the effect of bolstering the economy of South Korea, is one of the great tragedies of that era.

One speaker, Liz Raleigh from Carlton College, wryly noted that anything that calls for more restrictions and safeguards in intercountry adoption, such as the Hague Convention, is considered "anti-adoption," a comment that I particularly welcomed as we at FMF of course are considered anti-adoption. We are against promoting adoption, we wish adoption could be replaced with permanent guardianship without ever changing a birth certificate, and we find that far too many unnecessary adoptions take place.  If that makes us anti-adoption, so be it.

Jean Strauss' search and reunion
as well as a guide for others

I made a new friend of an adoptive mother of two full siblings in a totally open adoption, but she agreed that the relationship she and the children have with the other mother and her husband--who live 80 miles away--is unusual. But mothers who had relinquished were rare indeed. I only met two others, though there may have been some I was unaware of.  First mother Kate Livingston, who teaches women's, gender and sexuality studies at Ohio State University, chaired one of the sessions. Ms. Livingston. a member of ASAC's executive committee, is young, and while the organization needs more birth mothers like her, it is impossible to note that saying that means there has to be more smart, educated women who surrender their children, not something we encourage. Quite the opposite.

I thought a great deal about what to say to the group. At the last conference, I was clueless that the audience was mostly adoptive parents who are academics. I was asked to read a section of Birthmark, in a session along with Jean Strauss and Emily Hipchen, both adoptees with excellent memoirs, both shown here. I read the last chapter of my 1979 book, which is a letter to my as yet unknown daughter, telling her that my whole family knew about her, my mother especially wanted to meet her, ending with: "...remember that we are all hoping and praying and waiting for you." (Note to self: Know your audience.)

The scene of her first meeting with
her first mother captures the essence
of that terrifying, exhilarating moment

Well, that went over like sand in your coffee. Silence. At the reception afterward, only one women deigned to talk to me, an adoptive mother who said it was hard for her to hear my words because so many of the adoptive mothers--herself included--felt as if the child in question was "meant for her." But she was open about how my reading challenged that, and she was the only adoptive mother I met that weekend who didn't react as if I were the measles. I remember walking over to one of the sessions with an adoptive mother from the Netherlands who had presenting a paper on "kinning," a theory of how the adoptee became part of the adoptive family and its history. I tried to be friendly, but she was having none of it. We walked in silence. Marley Grenier, Maryanne Cohen and Carol Schaefer were there, so I did have some allies.

Now I wasn't overrun with adoptive mothers dying to talk to me this time--and most of them were academics, which I am not--and so many had professional connections. Due to the location this year--downtown Marriott Crowne Plaza--we had access to a lobby area that everyone passed through on the way to the sessions. Chairs and couches there made it amenable for a quick stop, or coffee and a bagel in the morning, and thus, a place to chat. I ended up talking amiably with adoptive mothers/academics and of course, adoptees. The large percentage of adoptees at the conference had changed the overall dynamic. Penelope Needham, Minnesota AAC Representative and an executive board member of the Minnesota Coalition for Adoption Reform, provided a bright smiling face and friend to come across during the three days. And a few readers of First Mother Forum were there, and I met them afterward. That was a boon!

My talk would be mostly old news here. The subject, suggested by ASAC executive committee member Marianne Novy, was Reunion--Before and After, which of course comes right out of Hole In My Heart. I began by saying that being there as a speaker at such a conference was the last place in the world I ever wanted to be--having my expertise stemming from the fact that I had given up a child for adoption. "You wouldn't wish this on your sisters, your friends, your daughters...and if your daughter is adopted, she is seven times more likely than the non-adopted population to give up a child like me." That got their attention.

I did lay out in detail how horrific it is to give up a child, what the era of shame was like, and how those adoptees dealing with searches needed to understand the fears and feelings of the mothers they might be finding today. I may publish what I wrote here, however the talk took on its own language as I only took notes to the podium. Take a written script and you are likely to read it, which is not the way to enthrall an audience.

As for the use of the term "birth mother," it was lingua franca. A few used "first mother," but
the move to change the language to one more comfortable to natural mothers has not reached academia in any great measure. The younger mothers have not heard anything else, and not only do not mind the term, they were unfamiliar with anything else. I ended up saying at a session that I prefer biological mother when referring to me.

The last keynote session was watching clips of a film-in-progress by Deann Borshay Liem, who is known for her 2000 heart-breaking work, First Person Plural. It's been on PBS twice and a sharp-eyed reader found that it can be streamed for three days for $4.99. First Person Plural is a wonderfully warm and poignant movie about the filmmaker finding her mother in Korea. The eventual film that will result from the lengthy rough-cut clips we saw at the conference, about the background of the adoptee diaspora and the experience of many Korean adoptees in many countries, will be as excellent, and emotional, for those of us in the trenches of adoption. There were not many dry eyes in the audience when the clips were shown. Many were outright weeping. The finished product will win awards--or should. It was nice to hear from Deann that her film editor is a birth mother, and that she gained a lot of insight from her. It was the perfect ending to a welcoming and informative conference.--lorraine

for film: https://www.newday.com/film/first-person-plural
_________________________
TO READ Adoptionland: From Orphans to Activists
Essays compiled by the Vance Twins
Anyone considering adoption--especially from another country--should read this book of essays by intercountry adoptees. I cannot praise it enough.
BE A SUPPORTER OF FIRST MOTHER FORUM. Order from Amazon--anything at all!--through the portals here and we get pennies! It's our tip jar. Click on any title or book jacket. MORE BOOKS:
Ten Thousand Sorrows 
By Elizabeth Kim
It is very very sad, beginning in Korea, with the author's vivid memories. But it is beautifully written.
Birthright: The Guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive Parents
By Jean Strauss
A classic for many adoptees in search and reunion. Jean's honesty may be hard to confront for some natural mothers, but it will help you understand your child at reunion.
Coming Apart Together: Fragments from an Adoption
By Emily Hipchen
Anger, compassion, vivid. Emily's account of her finding her family and a longing for unconditional love. Emily,who is at the University of West Georgia, is on the executive committee of ASAC.
The Language of Blood 
By Jane Jeong Trenka (for some reason I can't get the photo of the jacket today; it comes up as the little blue and white square, darn it.)
Just amazing. The author has returned to South Korea and is instrumental in trying to change social policy there. Trenka is the president of the organization TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea).
Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption
By Lorraine Dusky
My memoir, obviously.