Does my birth mother think of me?

Jane

Adoptees often ask us whether their natural mothers think of them, "at least on my birthday." Lorraine and I assure them that their mothers think of therm often, likely everyday. "Then why doesn't she try to find me?" they ask. "She may be thinking about searching " we tell them, but there are reason why she is hesitating. She doesn't know she can; she promised the agency she wouldn't; she had it drummed into her that she's shouldn't. She doesn't know how to search. She can't afford a searcher. She doesn't want to disrupt your life. She doesn't want to disrupt the lives of her raised children, her husband, her parents.

These thoughts coursed through my mind for years. I'll search later I told myself, when my youngest daughter graduates from high school, when I have more money, more time. Then 19 years ago my lost daughter Rebecca found me. I'll write more about this on her birthday, November 17.


For now I want to encourage mothers who haven't searched to begin. I've never met a mother who wasn't happy, or at least relieved to know their child, no matter what happens after the reunion. We in reunion can help these mothers.

Let mothers know it is okay to search.  Encourage mothers to register with the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISSR.org) as well as write to their adoption agency that they would like contact if their child contacts the agency. Respond to articles in the media about adoption and reunion by telling your story. Speak up at social gatherings when adoption comes up. I know this is hard. Mention the International ISRR when possible.

Encourage progressive adoption-related organizations such as American Adoption Congress, Concerned United Birthparents and local search groups to publicize themselves. Even though Lorraine had been on national television several times and in numerous magazines and newspapers by the 80s and 90s, neither her book, Birthmark, nor her story of search and reunion had not reached me. In 1988 I learned about ALMA (Adoptees Liberty Movement Association) which had been in existence over a decade by then when I came upon founder Florence Fisher's book, The Search for Anna Fisher at the Salem, Oregon public library. I took it to the stacks and read it in one sitting. I even joined ALMA but quit within a couple of months when it sent me newsletters but not in a plain brown envelopes. I was terrified that a family member would see the newsletter and ask questions I did not want to answer.  I had never heard of the AAC or the local search group, Oregon Adoptee Rights. I had heard of CUB through a New Yorker article* which excoriated it but paid it little attention--until after my reunion. I thought of search as something adoptees did.  That mothers would search and be open about it was something I could not relate to.

Today I continue to be contacted by natural mothers and adoptees who learn my story through FMF or news articles, but who have NEVER heard of ALMA, AAC or CUB. Some mothers suffer in silence for years, believing that they are alone in being unable to confine their child to the past. All have Facebook pages where mothers can find support. First Mother Forum also has a Facebook page of its own.

Now that the elections are over, it's time to resume the fight for opening sealed records. If your legislator was elected or re-elected this week, send him or her a congratulatory note--and include a sentence or two about the sealed birth certificates of adoptees. If your state is one of the 28 which has not yet allowed adult adoptees to access their original birth certificates (OBC), become part of an organization seeking to change the law. If your state allows adoptees to access their OBCs and gives mothers the opportunity to state their contact preference, try to publicize the law and encourage mothers to file a "want contact" notice. And when you can--this is most important--speak about the subject when adoption comes up.

If  your state has opened OBCs to adoptees, pursue laws that allow natural mothers and adoptees to access court adoption records. The most important document for mothers is the judgment of adoption, sometimes called the adoption decree. It makes the adoptive parents the child's legal parents and contains the names of the adoptive parents and the child's adoptive name. Mothers can also seek legislation to access their children's amended birth certificates which will have their names and the names of the adoptive parents.

It may take many attempts before mothers succeed in having a bill passed opening court or birth records. Adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents have been fighting for over 40 years in New York and some other states for laws allowing adoptees to access their original birth certificates. Times are changing, however. The quest for openness which decision makers considered an assault on the institution of adoption in the 1970's is now becoming the norm. Twenty-two states allow adoptees to access to their original birth certificates, albeit some state laws have some restrictions.** Open domestic adoptions have become the norm. Legislators can be convinced that mothers have the right to know what happened to their child.

Let mothers know how they can make themselves easier to find through postings on social media. If their last name is different from the one of their child's original birth certificate, they should let relatives who have the same last name as their original name know they would welcome contact. Because the subject of the lost child rarely comes up in families, brothers, uncles, cousins--both male and female, but especially male--may think their sister doesn't want to hear from that child. And more connections will happen like this because of the growing use of DNA. Just a month ago, we heard that a woman who had been searching for her family of origin since the Seventies found a half sibling through DNA. It was a second cousin who had done the DNA test, and the family, who knew nothing about her existence, welcomed her wholeheartedly.

Yes, yes, adoptees. Your mother thinks of you. We encourage her to search--but we also urge you not to wait for her to find you--jane

___________________________________
*Written by adoptive mother Lucinda Franks, married to the then New York City District Attorney, Robert Morgenthau.
**Resources: Laws, Searching, Reunion

ALSO FROM FMF

Searching helps first mothers heal
When a first mother decides to search
Do birth mothers/first mothers have the right to search?

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TO READ
The Search for Anna Fisher
By Florence Fisher
How one woman's 20-year search for her natural mother led her to awakening the sleeping giant of adoptees and biological parents who were part of the great social engineering project of sealed birth records. She founded the Adoptees Liberty Movement Association, which ultimately had chapters in several states, and appeared on numerous TV and radio shows, in newspaper and magazine stories, all of which led to the modern-day movement to unseal the original birth certificates of adopted individuals.

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing Yourself for the Search, Reunion, and Beyond

by Julie Jarrell Bailey and Lynn N. Giddens

Written by two adoption specialists, one of whom is a reunited mother, and draws on the real-life experiences of others to help readers prepare for the emotional turbulence of the reunion experience

The Adoption Reader: Birth Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, and Adopted Daughters Tell Their Stories
Compiled by Susan Wadia-Ellis
With eloquence and conviction, more than 30 diverse birth mothers, adoptive mothers and adoptees tell their adoption stories and explore what is a deeply emotional, sometimes controversial, and always compelling experience that affects millions of families and individuals. A great read for anybody in the triad, you can take it in doses.