What do mothers owe their children lost to adoption?

Lorraine

Not every mother, we know, welcomes her lost son or daughter back with warmth and motherly feelings. Not every family does either. Jealousies erupt, feelings are hurt, adoptees are rejected. Some of the problems stem directly from the secrecy many mothers assumed, and did not tell their spouses or other children. Not every adoptee who comes back is a stable person. Some are angry. Studies and statistics show adoptees show up in greater numbers than the norm in numbers among addicts, criminals, and other troubled populations. Adoptees are more likely to attempt suicide or have suicidal thoughts.*

We know this from the research, the people who write here, and other social media. We hear from mothers who feel used and mistreated by their reunited children, now adults. We hear from adoptees who have been rejected for no good reason other than they were given up for adoption and the original mothers and families cannot accommodate their children's return.


It's a complicated world made up of all kinds of people.

ADOPTION DOES NOT SEVER ALL TIES
But of late, we have received numerous comments from a birth mother who does not wish contact with her child. On some older blogs, she has suggested that adoptees make contact only through a letter; that she has an absolute right to left alone by her child, that her rights are being trampled, that his history is his adoptive family's history, not hers. In part, she wrote in a recent comment:

"I am responsible only for the children I'm raising and as a good mother, my job is to protect them. For that reason, I am close to ending reunion and I regret saying 'yes' to reunion in the first place. (I only said 'yes' because I thought reunion would be my happy 'payback' for the crap I went through. It's turned out to be just as bad as the initial pregnancy.) 

My adopted son has a mom and a dad who promised to care for him. He needs help, in my opinion, and I fear for my safety and for my children's safety. He is the responsibility of his adoptive parents, not mine. I think there are a lot of first moms who would agree, (they just aren't on this forum). Some of us regret getting pregnant, not the choice of adoption.

I don't think it's fair that adoptees are treated as if they are the only ones with rights. We women who gave birth have a right to our privacy; some of us chose adoption to protect ourselves, and that's okay! There seems to be this romantic notion that adoptees seek their birth mothers with only love in their hearts. Some of these people have a lot of baggage and a lot of anger. What about the safety of the woman and of the family she went on to create? Remember: the adopted child will be jealous of the raised children.
Because of the complexity of adoption and the emotional baggage involved, adoptees must pass a psychological profile before they can obtain private information about the mother, in my opinion."

Daughter and mother, reunited. Yes we had up and down times,
but that did not alter our basic connection, emotional and otherwise.

Although we do not agree with much of what she says, we have allowed most of her comments to be posted. Just as a family cannot be "protected" from a child or sibling who is troubled, or even dangerous, simply by washing their hands of the connection, the same is true of children who are adopted. Once we give birth to a child, that child remains connected to us in a way that no legal document can ever alter. We are not responsible for their adult actions, and if they are a true threat to us, we can call up the police and get orders of protection, just as we would from anyone who was a threat to our safety and well-being. 

But act as if the adoption severed all ties? As if the signing of a paper changed the actual biological connection? That such a document erased the history and ancestry of the adopted person? That it removed all emotional obligations to that individual? That it took away his or her connection to a family of siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents? That like disappearing ink, it erased the several traits that are shown to be related to DNA? 

Cannot be done. Not ever. 

Despite any problems individuals may have with their lost children once reunited, those problems cannot be the basis for any restrictions placed on them in gaining access to knowledge of their true identities, and any living kin they may have. Her suggestion that adoptees pass psychological profile tests before they are given any information is preposterous at the very least, and unconscionable at the worst.

Though as readers of my memoir know, I had plenty of problems in my relationship with my daughter. She was a habitual liar, straining her relationships with anyone, and certainly with both me and her adoptive parents. She vacillated and blew hot and cold in our relationship over the more than two decades we had. Without telling me, she would just disappear from any contact, then months later phone as if nothing had happened. She was at times difficult to be around. She told friends lies about me. The psychological consequences of her epilepsy--a poor self-image--only added to her neuroticism. She was a troubled person and I could not prevent her suicide in 2007. Yet I know I could never simply walk away and turn my back on her. For better or for worse, in bad times and good, she was my daughter. We had reunited when she was 15. 

DOES GOD GIVE YOU A BYE NOW? 
The writer of the above comment said elsewhere that she did not have an abortion for religious reasons. Yet if you give birth, you owe that child. Unless you were forced to carry to term, you made the choice to have a child, and now you owe him or her an acknowledgement of that connection. A termination-of-parental rights agreement is a legal document, but it is only a document. You cannot undo biology. If God was against your abortion, certainly he urges you to accept that child later on, problems and all. If a relationship is impossible, for whatever reason, do not assume that your experience should be reason enough to campaign against others going forward.  If you cannot have a reasonable relationship with him--who can, for instance, with an addict or thief?--I hope he accepts that. Yet now the right thing to do is to treat him as a child you gave birth to, legal agreements aside. If he is as troubled as you say, his adoptive parents may have done all they can for him too, but nothing abrogates your emotional responsibility. If you must have him or her out of your life, seek an order of protection from the police, or in your case, the local magistrate.

DISAPPEARING BLOWBACK COMMENTS 

Frankly, when this woman began writing about two weeks ago, I was surprised there was not more blowback. Someone left a comment today that she wrote such comments, but we failed to publish them, and asked why were we publishing the "Anonymous" comments from this women. Trust me, I was welcoming those comments refuting this woman, and in fact, deleted one of the more noxious comments from the original "Anonymous" individual. Only one adoptive mother bravely responded in the comments that we saw. Because of issues of comments disappearing like this, and not letting the comment writer know they have, we, with the help of Suz Bednarz, are moving the blog to Wordpress in the next couple of weeks. That should end the problem with the comments. Our blog is very large, we have published over 28,300 comments since we began writing in 2008, and thus moving over has been complex. However, we are nearly there, and will be moving soon. The URL will not change. More news about this later. Again, if you are going to comment, PLEASE use a name. You can still preserve your anonymity here. If you don't see the comment, do not immediately assume we have chosen not to publish it. We may never have seen it. 

The system of adoption that has flourished not only in America but all over the world in recent times is wrong on so many levels, and while this system is to blame for some of the ills that both mothers and their children lost to adoption endure, that does not mean we should, or can, allow those slings and arrows to dictate how we move forward. We must move forward with compassion, forgiveness and with love in our hearts. And that even includes any and all responses to this woman who is the focus of this blog. We may not like what she says, but she too is a victim of the adoption mentality that has encroached upon the modern world. We will be monitoring the comments carefully.--lorraine

*No statistic on adoptee suicide is likely to emerge because that appears to be a nearly impossible statistic to record. Suicides are not listed as "adopted" or "biological" in relation to the family.
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Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption

"This is a "must have" book for anyone affected by adoption, or contemplating one. Lorraine is THE pioneer of adoption-related memoirs. For those who read her earlier work, Birthmark, this book serves as an update, but stands on its own merit. For those who have never read Birthmark,this book stands on its own, offering a raw and honest view of the circumstances that can lead to an adoption and the emotions and trauma that can result. The book is also packed with information for those who may not be aware of the maze of adoption law, both now and in the past, all in the course of a compelling and entertaining read that is hard to put down.

Reunion is never as simple as it is depicted on television. Lorraine offers the good, the bad, and the ugly, and the reader is left with a much better understanding of the process and its effect on all concerned."--Amazon reviewer