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| Lorraine |
A few weeks ago I read a piece about "Facebook's Emotional Tech Support Team" in The New York Times. Buried in the piece was the story of an adoptee who had connected with her first mother, and her family, but then when she had a falling out with her mother, the whole family unfriended her, and she felt totally locked out.
What I was reminded was how fragile the bonds can be after reunion. There is so much to get through, over, up and around, and nothing is never as if the relinquishment did not occur. You connect on Facebook or in real life and then, POOF!, one day it blows up and ends. If an adoptee walks out of a relationship with the first mother, the reunited family members in general feel the allegiance to the mother they have known and nourished, and been nourished by. The family may close ranks and leave the new comer--no matter how warmly she may have been welcomed--out. To extended family members it may seem as if the adopted individual is aiming to hurt her first mother--and their relative, perhaps their mother--repeatedly.
From the first mother's point of view, the rejection by the found child after the blissful reunion may be so emotionally draining and hurtful that she asks the family to retreat. I am not sure how I might have handled this if my own daughter wanted to maintain a strong relationship with family members when she wasn't talking to me, and many of you know that happened several times over the course of our relationship. One day we were strong, and the next day I might as well be dead. My daughter and I met and had a 26-year relationship before social media existed, and with all the ups and downs we went through, I'm going to call that a blessing.
But it's far from true for people today. One mother I know who was found by her daughter, and the mother was rejected in a couple of years, but the daughter maintains some sort of relationship with my friend's sister, and it plays out sometimes on Facebook. People get blocked, are unblocked, get blocked again. Photos are posted, comments made by family members she did not think were connected. Each one is a fresh stab at an old wound, making it bleed once again. Adoption is the pain that goes on giving. Adoption is so far from the rosy picture that most of the world seems to think it is.Some use Facebook to search, and write their birth date on a poster board, hold it in front of them and have a picture taken and post it on Facebook, hoping that someone will know someone who had a child on X day at X hospital in X city. Mothers do it too, searching for their lost babies. I post the pictures whenever I see them, yet it angers me that we--birth mothers and adoptees--are reduced to such a demeaning posture to search for each other. Unsealing the damn birth records of every since adoptee in America could end that belittling ritual of search we have been reduced to. What will it take, I wonder, to reach legislators if this doesn't make them see? Adoptees, me thinks, will be the last group who will be still discriminated against.
At times, people "stalk" their family members on social media. They may witness sickness, weddings, births, deaths, celebrations of family members...all without being connected in real life. It's a virtual relationship, not a real one, yet psychologically it is very real. Social media is an amazing connective tool--for first mothers and adoptees it has been a boon as we have been able to tell our stories in a way that was not possible before. Closed pages for first birth mothers are full of sorrow and pain, and sometimes joy at reunion, and they are all good because they are places we can be understood. We are not alone, these pages scream out by their very existence. When a search comes to a happy conclusion, and pictures are posted, we in number celebrate by hitting "Like" and hearts or smiles and posting congratulatory comments. On other pages, we listen to the sorrow when a reunion goes bad, a mother or father writes a rejecting letter, or doesn't respond. The pain is palpable, real, our communal understanding of the pain makes us wince, for we, the readers, have been through it all ourselves. We smile, and we weep for our sisters and brothers, for we all have holes in our hearts. --lorraine
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| The forsythia bush for Jane |
What are your stories of adoption that involve social media? On this posting, anonymous comments are perfectly acceptable.
My daughter's birthday was the other day. I miss her still, but she is at peace. I keep hearing about more adoptee suicides. I read of another one day. Adoption for us is the first act of a tragedy.
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I will be hosting a Q&A about Hole In My Heart at 8p.m. Tuesday, April 19 at the Hole In My Heart page on Facebook. All welcome.
Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption
from an adoptive mother at Amazon: "If the purpose of the book was to make women think twice about giving their babies up for adoption I think she did an admirable job. Her pain as the mother is palpable. Adoption comes with a great deal of trauma....Ms. Dusky, through her website and books, has helped us adoptive mothers gain more understanding of the trauma of adoption. It helps us realize that the birth family is more than the birth family, they are an integral part of who are children are."
In addition to social media, search engines have also enabled matches to be made. I located my BSE son 20 years ago using my first ever home computer and a search engine to examine the birth index for his said birth day in said county. (Birth index was taken down from website only 3 years later, as county realized their "mistake"). However, other states still post county birth indexes, and I believe they can still be accessed through a few genealogy sites.
ReplyDeleteDNA testing has also been helpful with computerized individual results, and overall, technology is changing the face of adoption like never before by breaking through thick, decades-old barriers of secrecy and lies. A few clicks on a keyboard can take one into computer databases for a wealth of information.
Facebook is indeed changing adoption forever, and I can only imagine the uneasy sweating and squirming of the panicked adoptive parents (those who believed their adoptee would be exclusively theirs forever). Imagine their horror at the thought of possibly having to share their son or daughter with another mother. In the near future, it won't matter what adoptive parents think about search (and possible reunion). It's happening now with or without their knowledge or permission and will continue to do so at a faster clip. The floodgates are opening...
Knowledge is power. This computerized revolution has shown that many adoptee's are truth-seekers who are tired of the secrecy bulls$hit of adoption. Evidence is showing they are tired of being controlled, manipulated, and lied to. As a first mother, I rejoice that technology is enabling them to seek and find their truth, without having to ask permission from anyone.
The little trickle of a leak is turning into a huge leak in the dam holding back adoption's brackish waters, and in time, I feel the dam will break wide open. Adoption, as it has been practiced, may soon be a relic of its own insidious past.
I miss Facebook! I miss the cute kitty pictures, the sarcastic memes and the (admittedly) stupid quizzes I used to take. It was entertaining to find out what mythological animal I am or what my favorite color says about where I should live. Unfortunately I have abandoned social media because of my birth mother's behavior. I think some believe that the normal rules of etiquette and human (and humane) behavior don't apply on the internet, anything goes. You can do what you want, when you want because you're on line. It can be hurtful. And in today's connected world, I could be missing out on professional networking opportunities because I can't and do not have the patience to deal with one certain person who feels she has a free hand to harass me if I have an on line presence. I did make another profile. And found myself spammed and harassed by her. Again. Yes I blocked her. So she made another. She must have 20 Facebook profiles and I can't keep up! So as far as adoption and social media go, for some it can be great. For me it is a nightmare.
ReplyDeleteAs Masha's comment shows, Facebook is a mixed blessing. It certainly has made searching easier for many, once they know the name of the person they are looking for. As Isabella said, social media, DNA, computer data bases have revolutionized how people find each other and made much of the secrecy in adoption irrelevant.
ReplyDeleteAs a basis for a relationship though, I think Facebook leaves you on very shaky grounds. It is way too easy to "friend" and "unfriend" without real friendship or understanding ever being involved. The ease with which you can block, "friend" and "unfriend" leads to a Jr. High level of relationships that is not conducive to real understanding or intimacy. If your only connection with your surrendered child is on Facebook, that is not really a relationship at all.It can be the start of relationship if that is how you found each other, but if it does not move on to one to one private connection, it is a fragile connection at best.
It is fine as an adjunct to other ways of contact, an easy way to exchange photos and news and many people love it. As one who does not choose to have a Facebook page, I would urge all to be cautious and think twice about what they post in such a very public place, and what connections they want others in their lives to instantly see.
I have four sons, two do Facebook, two, including the son I reunited with, do not. Nobody posts anything highly personal. My husband has a page related to his work, so I can view what my kids and niece put up, but not comment. That works for me, what works for you may vary. Facebook can be a useful tool in reunion, but as Mashka points out, it can also be a vehicle for stalking and harassment, and even when intentions are good, can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and boundaries being crossed. Use with caution and discretion.
It's difficult to continue to stay "friends" on Facebook with a daughter or granddaughter who isn't talking to you in real life. Once you've been told you are not welcome in their life even a Facebook connection seems intrusive and hurtful. A reminder of what's gone wrong.
ReplyDeleteI know.
I'm so grateful that when I reunited with my son 19 years ago there was no (or very little) social media. He didn't have email at the time. So we got to know each other and communicated the old fashioned way, through phone calls and snail mail. Once we were emailing, things went downhill for a while. It's too easy to blast off a message without thinking it through. Same with FB. I can't imagine that being the basis for our relationship.
ReplyDeleteI need help with my reunion. I am the sixth out of seven children and the only one abandoned to the adoption industry. My mother was married and had an affair with my father who was also marriaed. My mother and her husband are dead. They remained married until their deaths. I have three cousins, two that I am friends with on facebook and another I have not had contact with. I have only written too my five other siblings (one brother died) and have not gotten a response. NOBODY knew about me. The two cousins on FB have stopped talking to me ( One cousin did the DNA test for me) but have not unfriended me. I have been very honest with them. Mid Jan we got the DNA results so we have only known for sure for 90 days. What can I do to have a relationship with them?
ReplyDeleteI'm the friend Lorraine mentioned in this post. My daughter hasn't spoken to me for a decade, though I've seen her at her two cousins' weddings, and she's remained friendly with my sister/her aunt, who sabotaged our relationship. Of course I'm blocked on facebook. My sister has partied with her niece, has spent time with my two young grandsons (who I'm sure have no idea I exist), and even more bizarre, my sister counts my daughter's adoptive father among her facebook friends (the man has posted on my grandniece's photos where my sister is tagged). It took several years to move on, and when I asked my niece(around Christmas 2015), it seems my daughter is MIA, not in contact with anyone, including my sister. I suspect when their relationship no longer sent me over the deep end, my sister was non-value added and my daughter lost interest in her. Six years ago I found a new passion that has brought me scores of honorary sons and daughters around my daughter's age and I've been very happy. It such a shame that my two grandsons are missing out on the coolest grandmother on the planet!
ReplyDeleteIf I could hit "like" to this I would, for I know that Gretchen has indeed moved on but still...and it is true, her grandkids are missing out on having a very cool grandmother. But Gretchen, they are likely to find you one day and be happy to know you then.
DeleteFacebook has been a blessing and a heartache. Wished I would have held back on friending my first son's amom, because now I have to endure her posting pics of the two of them, and this is especially hard on Mothers Day. The blessing is that I can glimpse a small part of my sons life, even when he goes for long periods of time with no contact. But I also feel like I can't share pics of my raised son for fear this would hurt him. This has happened before, so I try not to post much.
ReplyDeleteI was able to confirm and then find my son's birthfather by way of FamilyTree DNA - the 'Y' test. I first found the book, 'Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age by Laura Dennis, & from there found Richard Hills book, 'Finding Family'. The internet and the Dna Testing have been amazing. After 30 years to have concrete proof helped me to get the courage to send a certified letter to his birthfather explaining that he has a son out there and it would be great if he would send some medical info, and a couple of pics. No Word, this was back in August 2015. However, a few weeks ago he opened a FB account with a pic. of himself. This really ticked me off because he couldn't be bothered to send an email or a few pics, which I don't think that is too much to ask for, but he suddenly can open a FB account at 59 years old. I do know he is not married, nor does he have other children, so not sure what the problem is there. I really do feel that he owes his son that much. So the internet and FB have been a small, subtle connection, but it doesn't take the place of phone calls or emails.
I'm curious about the comment that "I also feel like I can't share pics of my raised son for fear this would hurt him." As an adoptee, I'd love to see pics of any brothers, half-brothers, etc. That would be cool. I'm assuming it's more complicated than that in your case, but at least from my perspective I'd welcome any knowledge, pics, etc. What's going on with your son, do you think?
DeleteMy father, through an uncle, said he did not want to meet me and just wanted to "put that difficult period of his life behind him." But his family is on Facebook and, though I don't really do Facebook, my wife does and shows me pictures of the family that are posted, including half-sisters who, I presume, may not even know about me. Kinda cool to at least have that.
Hello Greg, Yes things began to get complicated after awhile, with all of us, but when I began posting pics of my raised son graduating, or going off to college, my 1st son wasn't his usual friendly self with my raised son. He told me one time that education wasn't important in his adoptive family & I'm pretty sure he didn't get the opportunity to choose college due to his parents are very involved in the 'international house of prayer' (a religious movement), which they pushed him into this & they really wanted that for him. He has since quit this. I think he may feel cheated that he didn't get the same opportunities as his half-brother, so this has caused some hurt-feelings.
DeleteSo sorry to hear your father didn't want to meet you, that had to have been very difficult to hear. It's hard for me to understand parents who choose not to meet their children.
Greg, I also feel very sad that your father does not want to meet you. I hope he will reconsider at some point. It is so, the truth will set one free - no matter what. In 2016, your father could benefit from having a relationship with a young person who is part of him, after all - even if it's just to have conversations with and friendship on a family-ish level. It would be too easy and trite to say that your father is missing out, etc. - But as a birth mother, that's the way I see it from my perspective. The best way to put a difficult period behind one, is to fast-forward to the present day, where perhaps some happiness could be found among all the sadness as we grow older.
DeleteI am in reunion for less than 2 years with my younger son - and although he is almost 40, he seems to me to be a fresh green sprout! When I am 80 and he is 60, he'll still seem like a youngster to me, and seeing that makes me smile. I wish your father could have the benefit of happiness in this way. I also feel very sad always since we don't know each other at all, and are not likely to really share much or have a deep understanding of each other; it seems like it is a bit too late. But the joy that's there outweighs the sadness of this realization (some of the time).
Best wishes to you.
Sandy, it's notable that your son's father has opened his Facebook account after receiving this big news. I wonder if he was just shocked, confused, not certain what his feelings are, finding out after all this time. Perhaps he opened the account, thinking he will reach out to your son that way. Not the most mature way to handle the situation, but most people are not very mature, unfortunately. I think if he wants to "hide" from his newly-revealed son or just ignore the whole situation, he wouldn't open that account, making him easy to find. I wonder if he is hoping his son will look for him directly, and find him on Facebook?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry he didn't respond to your letter directly - Maybe he doesn't have enough character or maturity to do that. But the recent Facebook-page appearance (probably his first), is an encouraging sign to me, not a discouraging sign. You just can't get too caught up in solving mysteries via Facebook. I think it might be good to give him some time and see what he does?
Hi New and Old, you are right that I think he is probably shocked to learn that he has a son, and I realize it takes awhile to process that kind of information. He also has some immaturity issues due to his alcoholism, & I'm not really sure how that has played out in his life. I hope he is trying to reach out for our son's sake, because it would mean a lot to him.
ReplyDeleteThe photos I sent to him left no doubt that he was his son, so he may be a bit scared or nervous about it. I'm trying to give him some space to figure out how to learn FB (ha). Our son does know he is on fb, so hoping one of them will contact the other with time.
He may have been a little peeved at being reduced to "a couple of pictures and medical info", and not being told he had a son. Just a thought...
DeleteSandy, I wouldn't read too much into his having opened a Facebook account; it is probable he has never even considered this aspect of Facebook--newbies don't understand the reach of Facebook. As for asking for medical information, or anything, from him, this probably has to be done by his son, not you. And the father may simply not have the character to step up to the plate. And he may yet.
ReplyDeleteHe may also be embarrassed that his life has not turned out well, and doesn't want to admit to his alcoholism to a son. Like you said, keep on hoping one will contact the other, but don't try to manage it. This is now something out of your control and up to them. Trying to do more will make you crazy!
As for the issue of not posting pics of your raised son, do what feels right. I can understand your reluctance to show off your raised son.
Thanks Lorraine, good words. My trying to micro-manage a relationship that should be just between the two of them, helps to ease the burden I feel to get the two of them together. I'm remaining hopeful for now that he will want some type of contact with our son.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing, Sandy, father's relationships with their sons can be iffy after a divorce, for instance. In my own family, one father basically deserted his son after a divorce. The mother did not brother trying for support or anything, after she married someone else, who raised the young boy as his son, who took his name unofficially. When the young man joined the Army, he had to go back to using his birth name as his father, who had not seen him for 15 or 16 years, refused to let him. The young man changed his name as soon as he was 21, the year he could.
DeleteSo some relationships can't be managed by others. It has to come from within.
Sandy, I don't know if this is applicable in the case of your son's father but of the men I have met who were not involved in their child's upbringing, there's almost a universal belief that they are not important. I've heard these fathers say: "I don't want to be in the way. My child's real father is the man who raised him." This is true of men whose child was placed for adoption at birth and men who child was raised by a step-father. The significance of the biological connection is totally lost on them.
ReplyDeleteI have found though, that some of these men eventually come around and want to know their child. Perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps wanting a heir, perhaps coming to understand the importance of DNA, and perhaps due to long repressed feelings to the fore.
Ditto. I wrote my comment above before I read Jane's, who says the same thing I did.
DeleteHi Jane, My hope is that because my son's birthfather doesn't have other children he will be curious, as well as see that the genes factor is pretty strong between them, they look so much alike!
ReplyDeleteThe importance of the biological father has been down played in our society, perhaps back in the day, the fathers role was that of breadwinner, while the mothers was to be the caretaker, even if she worked (and women used to get custody of the children, no questions asked). Maybe they just didn't feel important to their children?
Before my 2nd son was born in 1995, my husband & I had to take a lamaze class with other couples. I can say those roles have definitely been reversed in the caretaker area, because you would have thought those guys were the ones having the babies. They asked more questions & tended to show a lot of interest because they knew they were going to have to share in caretaking. It was great to see that.
I do know that for my First son, it has been important to him to know who his biological father is (he wanted to do the dna test right away), even though he has a wonderful adoptive father that he loves, it is still very important to him to know where he came from.
I think what you do about the birthfather has a lot to do with what your child wants, and in general, what sort of relationship you had with the guy years ago. All of us owe our kids the father's name, if known, and any information they can use to locate him if they are interested. But beyond that, there are so many variables depending on the people and the situation.
ReplyDeleteSandy, it sounds like you have done everything you can to enable your son to know his father; now it is up to the two of them to hook up or not. My son has a exchanged a couple of emails with his bio father, mostly medical info. and the father has sent them gifts. I am glad they are in touch because I really loved his father and he was not a bad person even though he treated me shabbily at the time. But some fathers were really horrible people and have continued to be so, some are even dangerous, and would especially be so to a daughter. As mothers we need to tell the truth but I do not think need to set up or micromanage a relationship. At this point everyone is an adult and can make their own choices about future relationships.
Hi Maryanne, I do feel a responsibility to be sure the situation is safe. When I knew my son's father 30 years ago, he was a very nice guy, and we had mutual friends from school. I didn't know he had a serious drinking issue until I called his father looking for him to tell him about my pregnancy, & he told me he was in Florida at rehab. I did share all of this with my son, along with other pertinent information, but I do realize I can't control any of it, even if he turns out to be a big asshole. I really just don't know what the drinking has done to him? He used to be a sweet, funny guy.
DeleteHi Sandy, It sounds like your son got himself out of a religious cult, that takes guts and I bet he can handle the birthfather fine, even if he is still drinking.My experience with alcoholics is that if someone is basically a nice person, they do not become a mean drunk. The mean, violent ones use the drink as an excuse to act out aggression that is already there. The nice guys do stupid things but mostly harm themselves or if they harm others it is stuff like DUI. Alcoholism is a disease some people are prone to, it is not a moral failing in itself.It is medical information your son needs, but the birthfather might still be a nice guy and if you found him in rehab at least he is dealing with the problem. The danger I have seen birthfathers posing is more to daughters, the assholes who hit on the young ladies thinking they are still such studs.
ReplyDeleteI worry about the jealousy thing between siblings too, going both ways, one of my raised sons in particular does not like hearing about his older surrendered brother, although he is getting a little better, but I also try to give Mike some information about what is going on with the others without being too braggy. My kids also had more educational advantages, but Mike is very smart and a self-taught programmer who got hired for good jobs while that was still possible without a degree. I try to stress I am proud of all my sons, because I am. He has met one brother, the one who lives with us, and that went fine, but I do not see anything close developing.
Mike's father has one other son he is estranged from, no other children and two ex-wise. The second one, mother of the son, is crazy and helped turn the son against him, but I am sure he did some things too that did not help. His life has not turned out so well, elderly and retired and utterly alone, not even a pet. Ironically I think I am the only one that really loved him. Just sad. I would like him and Mike to meet but I doubt that will ever happen.
It is very sad when a person gets to the elderly stage in their life and they are all alone, by their own choosing whether they realize it or not.
DeleteI also try to let both of my son's know that I am proud of them. They each have their own accomplishments. But I doubt they will develop a closer relationship either.
Kind of late getting here to read this thread, but wanted comment anyway!
ReplyDeleteWhat are your stories of adoption that involve social media? On this posting, anonymous comments are perfectly acceptable.
The tools of social media such as Facebook have made searching and reunion a whole different arena to play out in. People can connect, read each other's pages and learn about their lives without connecting, or reunite blissfully and then let go, or be let go...it's all a new world.
Yes, I confess - I look at my daughter's FB page... have also copied pictures of her and her family... I love it!! I share these pictures with my family. They are amazed that she looks SO much like me. Still waiting for contact after 7 years... maybe it will be a "lucky" seven! I can always hope. And I don't really call it "stalking" - is it?? I'm just getting a glimpse of her life. I'm not "friends" with her on FB, but she did ask to "friend" me on LinkedIn. But no exchanges (messages) to each other. Waiting for her to connect with me.
Isabella said:
In addition to social media, search engines have also enabled matches to be made. I located my BSE son 20 years ago using my first ever home computer and a search engine to examine the birth index for his said birth day in said county. (Birth index was taken down from website only 3 years later, as county realized their "mistake"). However, other states still post county birth indexes, and I believe they can still be accessed through a few genealogy sites.
I found my daughter in 2004 thru a lady that had access to the California birth index. I had a birth reg number and she just matched it up with the "fake" one! But it took me another year or two to "actually" get in contact with her. I used the search engines too to search for her, but she had SO many different addresses, and the last one posted wasn't hers. I wrote to her to her amom's address. Hers was easy to find!
I'm sure you all have seen the new TV series call Long Lost Family. I like to watch that. But sometimes too dramatic! LOL!
Facebook, if you know your "history" (or watched the Movie) was created for college students - now has Billions of people! It does connect and has changed the World, but too many people have untrained, or perhaps better said, unfiltered uneducated brains, but first let me say to Birth Mom:
ReplyDelete1) THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for carrying me. I know it was harder than I can ever imagine [as I am a Man].
2) I LOVE YOU DEARLY there is no anger, no resentment, or any ill feelings, you did what you thought best and gave me a) life, b) hoped the powers that be did as good Job finding a decent family for me and for that I am Eternally grateful.
3) You could never ever "interrupt" my Life, get that out of your Head, nor could you do anything wrong by making contact as it is natural and at some point any adopted child will want to reach out, and today an ongoing family health history is VERY important. If you have reservations, then pass on the medical and wait on the rest, I am not (nor are you) getting any younger.
4) I understand you might not have mentioned me, that's OK, but on the other hand, I can be discrete (not sure every could be), so if you have to make contact through someone, that's fine - but make contact.
5) I feel, as an Adopted Person, now grown Man I have a right to my OBC and the Ancestry I was born to, and I almost feel robbed the State keeps it from me. Times have changed, soon, this secrecy will not exist, it is almost there now, by 2020 no State will be able to keep these secrets for good or bad, that's progress I guess.
ONE MORE THING (FOR EVERYONE) When we Humans are young We make mistakes, that's Life, wrong Guy, wrong Girl, that is why we need to make sure darn sure Parents guide (not force) their Children as best they can. I was blessed to be able to go back to school after dropping out of HS (bad mistake). All I can say is We in the USA need to make Higher Education accessible as a College Degree is what was a HS Diploma -- I went back to school, and at some point about 5 yrs. into it (Grad School) "the lights came on" as prior to that it was all instinct for me. Some people are just more "mature" younger, not me. I needed College as I was a "box of rocks" (=stupid)influenced by TV and crap, and I really feel most Humans now need at least 4 yrs. of College MINIMUM as looking back I made some life-altering bad choices simply because I was not educated enough to make good decisions --- and, until the "lights come on" when I kept going to school, (it took me a Masters Degree) I could not think critically. But I can think now, I can figure it out -- before then I could not as was easily influenced by "media" what My Adoptive Parents feelings/politics were, and so on. But now I can figure it out myself and come to the correct decision - there is a correct decision to everything. Some is how rich one is or their "feelings" are, mostly linked to how successful, but the successful SHOULD be helping the less successful with a hand UP not a hand out *(Give a Man a Fish feed him for a day, TEACH a Man to fish, you feed him for Life, type thing). Adoptee Out.....Oh yeah, call me, We all would welcome you with Open Arms, Love is what makes Life bearable (and Children). Love, your Son.
Social media is seriously changing how much secrecy and confidentially adoption agencies can offer and limiting how much adult control of their child's contact with birth family they offer to adoptive parents. Secrecy and cut-off of birth family contact till adulthood and hiding the truth about the reasons while they are adopted are no longer guaranteed anymore as the result of social media. Instead we are going to have to rebuild the system on a model of age appropriate honesty, truthfulness, youth knowing that they are adopted and why, open adoptions, and youth getting a say in the contact arrangements they want with their birth family members. Plus youth and adoptive parents need to know the options they have if contact isn't going well for them and it is made online (blocking them, not responding back, deleting their social media profile, restraining order, contacting post adoption support, moving, and others). Overall it is a different model than the closed model today but overall it is good for people to know their roots and their life story.
ReplyDelete