How to arrange an ethical adoption

Dear First Mother Forum:

My spouse and I are moving forward with plans to adopt in the U.S. We are hoping for an infant adoption, using a non-profit agency with many years of experience. The agency only does open adoptions, which is what we want. The open adoption agreement would be legally enforceable, and we have no intention of betraying it in any event.

I am looking for resources/information that will help us ensure, to the fullest extent possible, that we (and our agency) are respecting the rights, concerns, perspectives, and needs of the birthparents and adopted children. And I want to make sure we solicit those resources not just from people who are cheerleaders for adoption, but also from people who are critics of the adoption system. That's why I'm writing you.

Also I noticed that you used the word "real" in the tagline for First Mother Forum.  Does that necessarily mean, in your view,
that adoptive parents are not "real" parents? Or can they be "real" as well? And if they are not the "real" parents, is that something you think they should tell their adopted children? It seems like it could be hurtful to adopted children for adoptive parents to take the position that they are not the "real" parents. But I welcome contrary perspectives!

--Hoping to Adopt

HOW TO ENCOURAGE AN ETHICAL ADOPTION

I delayed answering this email for several days because not only do we want to stop unethical adoptions (which would include all closed adoptions, all changing of the names on the "original birth certificate") we would like to see adoptions in general decline to the point where they are extremely rare. We would like to see a new open kind of adoption for children who really need homes, not for people who want children to "complete" their families, which unfortunately is the focus of many today. 

Alas, this is a losing battle. Yet reality may meet somewhere in the middle, and your email indicates you are sensitive to the issues surrounding adoption and willing to learn more.  

First, we first urge you to look into older children in foster care. That is where you will find the most need. However, we are not adoption facilitators in any way and cannot offer more information about that. 

If that option is not your choice--and I'm guessing it is not from your email--do establish a means of direct contact with the woman or teenager who is considering adoption for her unborn child. And that does mean direct--no going through a third party, such as the agency or a lawyer as the one who will handle the correspondence between you and the mother of any child. Those avenues are always iffy and can end in an instant to the detriment of all parties, foremost the child. 

To insure that you two know the whereabouts of each other and can stay in direct contact, use only an agency that only does fully open adoptions. Not some open, some semi-open, some closed (unless there are extenuating circumstances), but only fully open adoptions. Again, as we are not adoption facilitators, we do not maintain such a list. A quick Google search did come up with Independent Adoption Center that is registered in several states. Abrazo Adoption Services in San Antonio only does open adoption and we would recommend them. Fellow blogger Jane says that she is familiar with Catholic Charities and Open Adoption and Family Services in Portland, Oregon. We discourage adoptions from Bethany Christian Services, Gladney Center for Adoption,  or any agencies connected to the LDS church or based in Utah, as there have been many there with scurrilous practices that have lead to law suits.   

CHECK OUT THE AGENCY
However, before you go ahead with any agency, check with the state to see if complaints or law suits have been filed. Check to see that they provide counseling to the women considering adoption--this includes working with the women to see if there is a way they might keep their child--as well as post-relinquishment services for them. Do the best of your ability to see that this is not lip-service advertised on the web to entice women to give up their babies. While we are on the subject, stay away from the flossy for-profit agencies with websites clearly designed to encourage women to give up their babies. 

Lorraine

We've heard of one case where indigent women--and a great many of the women giving up their babies would keep them if they could afford to--were presented with a list of everything they might need to provide for their child, and of course, these women and teens generally come up wanting. The list of questions are designed to make them insecure and highlight the advantages of a child being raised in a wealthier family. How could a not-well-fixed single woman compare? Yes, wealth does endow advantages, but they must be stacked up against the feelings of abandonment and dislocation that a great many adoptees talk and write about, even as they are integrated into a new family. Most agencies will focus on the positive of adoption for the child, but ignore the disadvantage of not growing up among blood relatives and who look and act like you--as well as a mother who did not relinquish you. 

Do not write a letter that begins "Dear birthmother." You are already implanting the idea that she is already a mother who gave up a child. She is not even a mother. She is a pregnant woman or teenager. Any agency that doesn't realize a "Dear Birthmother" letter is offensive should be off your list. 

Do look for an agency in the state where you are living and at least plan to be, and urge them to find you a match with someone in that state, or otherwise nearby. Too often "semi-open" adoptions end up being between adoptive parents and a natural mother a thousand miles apart, and thus visiting is a financial hardship on her, making visits a burden and infrequent. We often feel that agencies purposefully "match" people who are not geographically compatible, so watch for this. 

DO NOT SUPPORT HER FINANCIALLY
Stay away from agencies that ask you for support for the mother during the pregnancy. Do not provide her with financial support with the idea that you are only supporting "your birth mother." Thus for everyone's sanity including your own, and to give the new mother a freer mind when she makes the most monumental decision she will ever have, keep your distance before the birth. This is the cause of much undue pressure to turn over her baby afterwards, and to my mind, a form of baby selling. The money you are giving her now is always with the understanding you will gain a baby, so do not do under any circumstances. 

Consequently, stay away from agencies that provide a country-club atmosphere for the pregnant teen/women. The spa-like trappings of such places imply that the woman "owes" the agency and you, the prospective adopter, her baby. These agencies are notoriously unforgiving if a mother does not meet expectations after the birth and decide to keep her baby. She most likely will be charged for her stay at the posh residence with pool and sauna--at resort prices--and told to get out immediately. I know this sounds incredibly harsh, but we have heard from women that this is what happens. Gladney in Texas is notoriously bad. 

Do see that the biological mother has her own lawyer to guide her through the process of arranging an open-adoption agreement, and recognize that you will have to pay for that lawyer. Find an ethical lawyer that will truly represent her, not be there merely to convince her to sign an agreement that the agency presented. 

Agencies most likely have boiler-plate contracts, and the mother may not feel she can ask for more or negotiate terms. The ones we have seen are all skewed in favor of the adoptive parents. If she doesn't ask for it, or it is not in the contract, you should bring up the issue of grandparents. Will visitation be allowed for them? At the grandparents' house? Remember, the contract is not being written solely for the advantage of the mother--but the child--and as he grows she may wish to spend time with his biological grandparents to give him a sense of grounding and belonging by kinship. Make a contingency plan with grandparents or another relative in case the mother becomes infirm or otherwise unable to keep up the visits and writing. What happens if you move across the country or to another country? How will the mother be able to afford visiting if that happens? 

YOU ARE 'ADOPTING' THE MOTHER TOO
In a sense, you are adopting not only a child, but her mother and family as well, and you will have a relationship with them for the next thirty or forty years. Any good agency will insist that you and the prospective mother meet at least once or twice and have some sense of the other. However, do not become her good friend as that will put undue pressure on her to go ahead with the adoption in order to NOT disappoint you. We hear from many women after they have relinquished that the bond they had developed with the prospective adoptive parents was the reason the went ahead with the planned relinquishment, even though they had grave misgivings after the birth but felt unable to change their minds because the prospective parents would be so sad. Someday she may tell this is the child, and it will not put you in a positive light. He may resent you for pressuring his mother to relinquish him, even as he loves you and your spouse. Besides, is that the way you want to bring a child into your life? 

Stay out of the hospital unless specifically invited, and insist that the social worker involved does not put undue pressure on her to "invite" you. Understand some sleazy agencies pay nurses in obstetrics wards to tip them off to women who might be candidates to give up their babies, and social workers will show up uninvited to point out why the child is better off adopted. I know this sounds like a bunch a scare tactics, but we have heard about all of these instances mentioned here.

Do not cut the cord. If you do go to hospital, even after all that, take only a few pictures if you must but do not post them on social media. Do not hire a photographer to record "the happy event" at the hospital. IT IS NOT A HAPPY EVENT FOR A WOMAN WHO HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH, even if she manages a weak smile.  

Do not call her a "birth mother," or even worse, "your birth mother" to anyone, including each other. She is not a mother until she has a baby and she is not yours in any sense of the word. She is carrying a baby. She will be her child's mother. She is not your brood mare. As a matter of course, language is evolving, and many women who relinquished children do not wish to be tagged with "birth mother" at all, anymore than you, should you adopt, wish to always be called your child's "adoptive father" or "adoptive mother." First mother is a choice some prefer; many of us still prefer the original phrase, natural mother, which was the medical term before it became negatively politicized by the adoption industry. 

Best choice of all would be for the child in the long term: mother. No qualifiers. It will allow the child to grow up in an environment where he does not feel the woman whose DNA he or she shares, who nurtured him in the womb, who then gave birth to him is more than a person who was there for only: the birth. You may find this difficult at first, but the child who becomes a teenager who becomes an adult will one day grasp the depth of your understanding about what it means to be adopted: it means that someone gave you up first, but she is still your mother. Mother. Not just "birth" mother. 

WHO IS THE REAL PARENT? 

This does not in any way diminish your monumental role in the adoptee's life. You are a "real" parent also; you are the one who raised him because someone else could not. Your child will understand too too. If you use language like this, you don't need to ever discuss who's real and who's not because trust me, he fully will understand the different roles the two sets of parents play in his life as soon as he understands were babies come from. He may, at times, ask you questions that are uncomfortable to answer. Simply answer to the best of his understanding without in any way denigrating his natural/biological mother. If you have an open adoption, which you indicate you want, he should know her from the beginning and come to understand who she is as he grows, without ever needing a big sit down conversation. Well, wait, that probably will happen anyway, but if she's been in his life as much as possible and the situation is comfortable for all, it will not be such a difficult conversation.

The adopted child may use the word "real" in reference to his natural mother. Don't let that sting you, or react in an visible way. Just go on and continue the conversation as if nothing unusual has happened. He is using language the best knows how, and anything you say to the contrary will diminish the woman and send a message that he must learn to control his language as well as his thoughts surrounding adoption as far as you are concerned. It also sends the message that he is less than worthy as you diminish his natural mother. This only succeeds in setting up a wall between the two of you, and is likely to make the adoptee's relationship with her clouded. While this may seem to work in your favor, it is likely to backfire one day, and in the process, you are making life more difficult for him. 

One last word: Some women who enter into open adoptions find that they are too emotionally difficult for them to continue. They see their child growing and find that visiting tears them apart, and they move away from visiting or communicating. I don't know what can be done about that, but trying to prevent it beforehand is the best medicine. The mother needs to be fully aware that the open adoption is not solely for her benefit, but for the child's as well. It would be best to drop this into any conversations you have with her as your negotiate the contract. A good social worker also should stress this to the women giving up her child, but alas, we fear too few do.

Of course all this is a tall order, but it may not be difficult if you work with a reputable and ethical agency. With the right intentions in your heart--as you have indicated you have--it just might be possible to have that ethical adoption you long for.--lorraine

ALSO FROM FMF
The promise of 'openness' lures vulnerable mothers-to-be
Are Open Adoptions a Boon for Birth Mothers or a Scam? 
Considering an open adoption? What you should know

THANK YOU FOR ORDERING ANYTHING THROUGH FMF. JUST CLICK ON THE LINKS HERE OR THE BOOK JACKETS TO GET TO AMAZON.

TO READ

The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole
by Lori Holden with Crystal Hass
"...opens with a simple yet poignant snippet of conversation with her young daughter in the car. It's about her daughter's loving feelings toward her birth parents. Holden generously invites us into her mental tai chi process ("Don't take this personally…") leading to her wise responses. If this book were just a series of such glimpses it would be a treasure. But it's so much more: a tapestry of instructive real-life insights together with the latest research and philosophy, all aiming to "de-freakify" open adoption. ...covers what this adoptee wishes my parents had known, and beyond."--Marcy Axness, PhD, parent coach and author of Parenting for Peace

Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption
by Lorraine Dusky
"...an intricately-crafted, tender and honest reminder of the damages suffered by parents and children amidst even the best-intentioned of adoption decisions. Hole in my Heart should be required reading for all who are contemplating placing a child or adopting for this precautionary tale offers poignant lessons about the importance of adoption being an option of last resort; the inadequacy of openness and/or reunion as a salve for lifelong adoption losses; and the need for adoptee rights legislation in America."--Elizabeth Jurenovich, director of Abrazo Adoption Services, San Antonio

"Dusky eloquently evokes the painful circumstances and social pressures that led to the loss of her child to adoption, and the multi-layered complexities of reunion and relationship with her daughter. ...a compelling manifesto for why our culture and legal system must re-think and reform adoption down to its roots.--David  Smolin, adoptive father, Professor of Law and Director, Center for Children, Law, and Ethics, Cumberland Law School, Samford University

The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
by Dan Savage

"Known for his nationally syndicated sex advice columns (collected in Savage Love) and as a regular contributor to NPR's This American Life, Savage recounts what he and his boyfriend of two years went through to adopt a child. After investigating the possibility of becoming biological parents with lesbian friends, Savage and his partner, Terry, pursued an open adoption through an agency. They met Melissa, a homeless "gutter punk," whom they liked, although they worried that she drank and took drugs recreationally at the beginning of her pregnancy. In the end, though, everything worked out for everyone involved. Savage is best when detailing the emotional ups and downs that came with revealing that he was even considering gay parenting, including his anxiety about the possible disapproval of both gay and straight friends, about the ways his sex life would change and about buying the right "baby things." ...His forthrightness is brave and daring in the face of social opposition to gay parenting. However, though Savage's chatty, mercilessly satiric style is effective in his columns and may be intended here to balance the optimistic underpinnings of his journey into parenthood, in this sustained narrative it wears a bit thin."--Publisher's Weekly