Why I wrote Hole in my Heart

no retouching!

One writes a book for a lot of reasons--memoirs often because you feel you must, and that is what I felt more than three decades ago when I wrote Birthmark, the first memoir about relinquishing a child to adoption. 

I needed to write about the god-awful experience of giving up my child to understand, accept and assuage my guilt--and because I knew I was strong enough to handle the criticism (that's not the word that comes to mind, but you can imagine another) that would come my way. It did. In shovelfuls.
Yet I knew that I was speaking for a great many--the majority, I was sure--of women who gave up their children to adoption, and who needed a voice, who needed someone to help them come out of the closet alongside me. I felt it was my calling to step up to a job that seemed to be mine, and the only choice was whether or not to take it. 

A HOPE DASHED

Birthmark was published in 1979 before I found my daughter. I had hoped that the clues (when and where) included in the book would unearth her--that someone who knew someone who had a daughter who was adopted in Rochester, New York in April, 1966 would tell them, and they would read the book and contact me. That did not happen. Her adoptive mother--a voracious reader--had been told about about the book by a relative, but she chose not to seek it out, and so that possibility died. I do not know if she also knew about the "coincidence" of the date and place, or just that there was this book....

Two years later I was feeling stronger--perhaps standing up to the angry nay-sayers had put more steel in my backbone--and I had the courage to hire the amazing-but-anonymous searcher who could find anyone. For $1,200 in 1981 I learned that he or she had previously located my daughter from the birth data I'd included in the book. 

Our relationship was good and bad, tender and troubled, sweet and sour. My daughter should never have been given up for adoption. She was one of the sensitive souls who was not resilient and she never overcame the trauma of feeling abandoned. Her epilepsy on top of being relinquished by her natural mother were too great a cross to bear. It has taken me a long time to accept that truth, but it is my reality.

My daughter's birthday, in the late Eighties

I always knew I would write another book, and began and stopped many times over the years. There was much to tell about what a relationship between a relinquished child and a reunited mother was like. People going into reunion need to know that the course of this connection never doth run smoothly. Adoptive parents, partners and friends of adoptees need to know that the best thing they can do for anyone adopted is to support them if they decide to search. All need to make it clear they they are open to listening to adoptees talk freely about any feelings of abandonment and about adoption without guilt. Adoptive parents and others need to know they must speak of the natural mother with utmost respect, because that reflects directly unto the child, whatever the age. Natural mothers need to feel they can talk about what happened to them without censure, even if they have been keeping the secret of their past a terribly long time, even if their other grown children, or spouse, are unaware of missing child. They should try to understand the intense shame being an "unwed mother" generated.  

NO SECRETS 
My daughter knew I would write another memoir too, and I interviewed her over the course of a couple of days in the late nineties. And although sometimes she was neurotic and told a lot of fantastic stories, she was also intelligent and had a good grasp on her feelings, even if that did not make living with them easy for her, or me. 

Hole in my Heart is that book. I hope to have it out sometime in April. I just got the copy-edited version back--the footnotes are apparently still in need of TLC--yes, it has footnotes, because I include research that puts my story in a larger framework. My daughter and I are only two people out of millions. At least one reader thinks parts of it should be cut; others disagree. I'll make the final decisions myself. 

The Kickstarter project is going well. I met my initial goal early on, and now hope to get enough money to launch the book with a small PR campaign on the internet. Word of mouth, emails, tweets, etc. will be the way word gets out. To change hearts and minds, you have to reach people first. 

While I mentioned the people who contributed earlier at a previous blog,* I'd like to thank those who have generously added to the Kickstarter or sent a check privately: Julia Emily, Colleen Labman, Patty Collings, Theresa Reynolds, Karen Dawber, Rebecca Rexius, Barbara Thavis, Julie Gaglione, Betsie Norris, Marty Frumkin, Bill Fader, Elaine Ciccaroni, Faith Ireland, Daryl Royal, Richard and Phyllis Dusky, Jill Auerbach, Janet Fawcett, Cheryl Pantelone, Cyn Bird, Lynn Langway, Tania Wieking, James Lane, Barbara Gladfelter, Marcie Keithly-Roth, Patty Bybee and some who prefer to be anonymous. Some have contributed directly to me, rather than use Kickstarter, which will shut down the project in six days, March 16.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. After working on this so long, it is wonderful to know there are supporters out there. I would also like to thank the additional people who have contributed to making this book come to life, and given their professional time and expertise for that endeavor. 

AND SOME WONDERFUL REACTIONS
For the back of the book, some have written terrific quotes: 

Delores Teller, natural mother, post adoption therapist, past president of the American Adoption Congress: 

"...a tour de force you won't be able to stop reading till the final page. From the first paragraph Dusky pulls you in to her story which is both modern and retro, tough and tender, romantic, and profoundly honest.You are there when she falls for the father of her child, discovers her untimely pregnancy, surrenders her daughter for adoption, and then finds her again. She illuminates the power of transgenerational  longings and enduring genetic attributes. All richly enhanced by historical details about adoption laws and practice. Another masterpiece by a gifted writer.

From Jean Strauss, adoptee, author of Birthright and filmmaker, A Simple Piece of Paper, and Adopted: For the Life of Me: 

"Birthmark changed my life. Dusky's words gave me the courage to search for the mother who lost me to adoption. Now Lorraine has done it again. I read Hole in My Heart cover to cover in one sitting. It is high drama--and a riveting case for adoption reform. Dusky shines a spotlight on the harmful outcome of closed adoption, and the lasting impact of secrecy upon relationships." 

From Elizabeth Jurenovich, director of Abrazo Adoption Services, San Antonio:

"Lorraine Dusky's latest memoir is an intricately-crafted, tender and painfully honest reminder of the collateral damages suffered by parents and children amidst even the best-intentioned of adoption decisions. I hadn't intended to read this entire book in one sitting, but once started, Dusky's story was too compelling to stop reading until I finished. Hole In My Heart should be required reading for all parents who are contemplating placing a child or adopting for this precautionary tale offers poignant lessons about the importance of adoption being an option of last resort; about the inadequacy of openness and/or reunion as a salve for lifelong adoption losses; and about the ongoing need for adoption reform and adoptee rights legislation in America."

________________________--lorraine 

* Other supporters who gave initially are listed at previous blog:
Hole in my Heart on its way

-------------------------

AND THANK YOU ALL FOR ORDERING ANYTHING THROUGH FMF. Merci!