How much does DNA matter?

Lorraine and daughter, Jane, 1982

How twins separated at birth relate to one another when reunited has fascinated behavioral scientists--and me too, ever since I plunged into that group of mothers who would give up a child and later be reunited. Did my daughter and I find many seemingly uncanny similarities? That grew and strengthened as we got to know one another? 

Yes. And yes. Honestly, our reactions to life were so similar that there were times it was as if we had never been separated. One of my fondest memories is sitting in the outdoor garden at the top of the World Trade Center (yes, there was one once) for a half hour, sitting on a park bench, and watching helicopters dance around the Manhattan skyline. Not only were we both not afraid of heights, we sought them out. But I've written about our similarities before so first time readers will have to take this at face value or check out some of the links below. 


What led to this morning's musings before heading off to various Memorial Day weekend parties was a piece in the New York Times this morning about reunited twins, both identical and fraternal. Are they much alike? Yes. Do they want to get to know one another? Yes. Do they expect to become best friends? Yes. Do they? Yes. 

What about biologically unrelated siblings (raised together)--do they show behavioral resemblances? Uh, no. What about genetically unrelated people who happen to be dead ringers for each other: Do they assume they will be friends, do they become friends? Uh, no. 

The author of the Times piece, Nancy L. Segal, author of Born Together - Reared Apart poses the question: How do shared genes result in an immediate sense of connection? She dismisses the possibility that it is purely physical resemblance: 

"A more likely possibility is that a perceived behavioral resemblance is the basis for the sense of connection between reunited twins. And genes do contribute to behavioral similarities: Identical twins raised apart match closely on genetically influenced traits such as intelligence and personality. In fact, identical twins raised apart are as similar in personality as are identical twins raised together."

Jane simply put her arms around me after we sat down. 

MOTHER AND CHILD HAVE ISSUES
Of course, was my reaction. My daughter's adoptive mother said that what struck her so dramatically when we first met was how much I resembled her/my daughter. She couldn't get over it. I think this is one of the hardest things for adoptive mothers in particular to adjust to--how much physical resemblances will be noticeable at first sighting, and the behaviors that follow. I have to say that I did not have any shock at recognition because--mentally, and without conscious thought--I expected her to look like me! And to some degree, act like me. She was my daughter, wasn't she? Let me add that my daughter was raised in not dissimilar middle-class upbringing than the one that I was living when we reunited. Also I had requested that she be raised in the same religion I was--Catholic--and she was. Her parents were observant Catholics, and by the time we reunited, I was not, but we still had a basis of understanding and tolerance that made our reunion smoother than it might have been otherwise.

Though this doesn't mean of course that mothers and daughters or sons will get along as easily and smoothly as twins, particularly identical twins, will. We do know that. First of all, biological/birth mothers and the children they relinquished do not share DNA in the same way that siblings do, particularly identical twins. There is the DNA of a father to be considered. Although people said my daughter Jane and I looked alike--and in physical structure and coloring we were--I could see how much she looked and acted like her father. In pictures I have found on the Internet of one of her half-sisters, the physical resemblance is unmistakable.

THAT SIBLINGS WILL NOT
Secondly, reunited siblings under most circumstances do not have issues. Adopted individuals look at their mothers and how can they not think: Why did she give me away? Why couldn't she keep me? First mothers who long for reunion meet their children and despite the best intentions are swept emotionally back to the time of the great sorrow of their lives. Their bodies and psyche remember the time they had a baby, and were forced to go against the strong hormonal pull to keep that baby, and relinquish her or him. In my head, I carry around the images of my days in the hospital, how it was when I was wheeled out the hospital, how it was the day after.

I say it like this because most of us mothers--even if we consciously make the choice to relinquish our children--were acting against what our bodies were telling us: keep and protect that baby. Knowing how powerful that emotion was when I had my daughter, film of how animals react when an offspring is removed from his mother, or dies, hits a high emotional chord inside me. Think of how a Mama Bear reacts when her cubs are removed--because she is large and can be aggressive her reactions are legend; it is no different for the human species. I see those movies or read the stories, and think immediately of my daughter and having to relinquish her, and how I felt. I know just how Mama Bear feels when she sees someone messing with her cubs.

Unfortunately, my daughter never had the opportunity to meet any siblings. Segal's piece goes on to include the story of identical twins, one of which was accidentally switched at birth with another boy. The parents who raised the others assumed they had fraternal twins. In a twist of fate, the twins met and eased into a friendship described as "natural and effortless." They were friends for a year before they discovered they were twins. --lorraine

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SOURCE
Gray Matter: The Closest of Strangers

RELATED FMF POSTS
Shared Similarities: Family traits not erased by relinquishment or adoption
Two brothers, one adopted, find each other at the swimming pool
Normal in one family may be seen as abnormal in another

READING
Born Together - Reared Apart: The Landmark Minnesota Twin Study
by Nancy Segal, professor of developmental psychology at California State University, Fullerton
"The identical “Jim twins” were raised in separate families and met for the first time at age thirty-nine, only to discover that they both suffered tension headaches, bit their fingernails, smoked Salems, enjoyed woodworking, and vacationed on the same Florida beach. This example of the potential power of genetics captured widespread media attention in 1979 and inspired the Minnesota Study of Twins Reared Apart. This landmark investigation into the nature-nurture debate shook the scientific community by demonstrating, across a number of traits, that twins reared separately are as alike as those raised together."--Amazon 

Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and Reunited
"In this transfixing memoir, Paula Bernstein, a freelance writer, and Elyse Schein, a filmmaker, take turns recounting the story of how each woman, at age 35, discovered she had an identical twin sister, and the reunion that followed. Despite disparate upbringings, education and work experiences, the twins share matching wild hand gestures, allergies, speech patterns and a penchant for the same art movies. Louise Wise Services, the adoption agency, will reveal only that their biological mother was schizophrenic and unaware of who their father was. Records of the study the agency conducted about them are sealed, so the authors spearhead their own research project by poring over birth records, tracking down their birth mother's brother and interviewing researchers, who claim that twins raised apart are more similar than those raised together. Much of the book is devoted to fascinating stories of other twins and triplets who, when reunited as adults, are shocked by how much they have in common with one another. Bernstein and Schein's relationship becomes extremely close and also fraught with expectation. Once you find someone, Bernstein writes, you can't unfind her."--Publisher's Weekly