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| Lorraine |
I am not sure how the Cherokee court now is able to get involved after the decisions of the U.S. Supreme Court and the South Carolina courts, but nonetheless, that is where the fate of Veronica Brown now sits. Everything in the letter below is true not only in the case of the Canadian mother and child I am writing this for, but also for Veronica.
Dear XX:
I am writing in support of XX in her quest to raise her own child. Before you make the final pronouncement in this case, I urge you to consider the words and wisdom of several experts in the field of adoption, a smattering of which I include here:
"Every society, including our own, accepts
that it is generally in the best interests of children to be raised by their
biological parents unless they cannot or do not wish to do so."--Donaldson Adoption Institute, Safeguarding the Rights and Well-Being of
Birthparents
"Preserve the birth family whenever
possible. Adoption professionals should take care to explore and offer
adoption alternatives to expectant parents considering adoption for an unborn
child and to parents whose children have been involuntarily removed from them
through the judicial process. Expectant parents should be taught about the
worth they have to their children. ... Every attempt should be made to preserve
the family of origin, and when family preservation is not possible, to safely place the child in the extended
family." - L. Anne Babb, Ethics in American Adoption
The Uniform Adoption Act calls for the protection of "minor children against unnecessary separation from their birth parents."
The Uniform Adoption Act calls for the protection of "minor children against unnecessary separation from their birth parents."
"The birth family constitutes the
preferred means of providing family life for children." –Child Welfare
League of America, Standards of Excellence for Adoption Services
As for myself, since I became involved in adoption reform, with the 1979 publication of Birthmark
, the first memoir from a mother who relinquished her child, hundreds of adoptees
have written to me or otherwise been in touch, via email or telephone. The
stories that I hear are heart-breaking, and only a few are from “terrible”
adoptive families. Most simply talk about the feelings they had growing up, and
still retain today: a sense of dislocation, distance, loneliness, an anomie that
nothing really fills. Here is a comment that some anonymous adoptee wrote the other
day at my blog*, First Mother Forum:
As for myself, since I became involved in adoption reform, with the 1979 publication of Birthmark
, the first memoir from a mother who relinquished her child, hundreds of adoptees
have written to me or otherwise been in touch, via email or telephone. The
stories that I hear are heart-breaking, and only a few are from “terrible”
adoptive families. Most simply talk about the feelings they had growing up, and
still retain today: a sense of dislocation, distance, loneliness, an anomie that
nothing really fills. Here is a comment that some anonymous adoptee wrote the other
day at my blog*, First Mother Forum:
“I have tried to
understand but now I can see why so many adoptees harbor so much anger. There
is no place for us and the loneliness is sometimes so unbearable.”
Many such
comments are left and are always heart-breaking.
Not long ago I
came across these wise words at a blog called Fugitivis, written by a feminist
and an adoptee, Harriet J:
“This is not to say that everything about adoption is wrong, but everything about adoption is painful. For our modern, legal concept of adoption to exist, families must be broken. Adoption is not, and can never be, a best-case scenario. It relies upon the worst-case situation having already come to fruition. From there, you’re working with what is instead of what should be. That should be will never go away. For the entire lifetime of everybody involved in adoption, that should be exists, and it hurts. What is can still turn out to be wonderful, beautiful, incredible, but what is will never be what should be. It is that should be that necessitates education, sensitivity, and trigger warnings, because it never goes away.”
Then there is the
lifelong impact of losing a child that the mother endures. I expect that you are at least compassionate
and understand a mother’s feelings upon relinquishing her child. But the
psychological impact is much greater than most realize, and for many women, results in post-traumatic stress
disorder. We have a very high degree of secondary infertility—that is, up to 40
percent of us never have another child. The thought of having another child is untenable,
because we so strongly feel the awful pain of losing our child, and everything
child related triggers that sense.
 |
| With my granddaughter, 2002 |
Though some time has passed, it is not too late to return the girl to her natural mother, who loves her and wants her. Though the parents have certainly bonded with the girl, and she with them, those parents will never be the
same as her own mother, whom she will resemble in ways that are astounding—not
only physically, but in all sorts of traits and idiosyncrasies, the odd quirks
that make us understand that we are related to someone who is like us because
we came from them. Recent years have yielded new research on inherited traits.
The latest studies do not find a strong correlation between characteristics of adopted children and those of their adoptive parents; in fact, writes social scientist Carol Tavris, "...the correlation is weak to non-existent. This means that when children resemble their [adoptive] parents and [adoptive] grandparents temperamentally, it is because they share certain genes with these relatives, not experiences."**
David
Nettle writes in Personality that “The area of environmental influences
on personality is a morass of unsupported or poorly tested ideas.” It is because there is so little correlation in adults traits between adoptees and their adoptive parents that many adoptees so strongly feel their lack of connection not only to their families, but to the rest of the population. Having been cut off from the roots, they do not know where they fit.
If you grow up, as I did, surrounded by people with whom you share traits, these traits seem natural and inherited, and you are more forgiving of those traits that others might find obnoxious. It is highly likely that a lot of the adopted children who end up in some kind of therapy [and their number is not statistically congruent with the number of children who are adopted] are there not simply because they are troubled in the sense that we think of, but because they are so different from their adoptive parents that they have difficulty dealing with their children's idiosyncrasies. That, and the fact that the adoptive parents are likely to be able to afford therapy and be clued into social services partly may account for the high percentage of adoptees seeking psychological help.
David
Nettle writes in Personality that “The area of environmental influences
on personality is a morass of unsupported or poorly tested ideas.” It is because there is so little correlation in adults traits between adoptees and their adoptive parents that many adoptees so strongly feel their lack of connection not only to their families, but to the rest of the population. Having been cut off from the roots, they do not know where they fit. If you grow up, as I did, surrounded by people with whom you share traits, these traits seem natural and inherited, and you are more forgiving of those traits that others might find obnoxious. It is highly likely that a lot of the adopted children who end up in some kind of therapy [and their number is not statistically congruent with the number of children who are adopted] are there not simply because they are troubled in the sense that we think of, but because they are so different from their adoptive parents that they have difficulty dealing with their children's idiosyncrasies. That, and the fact that the adoptive parents are likely to be able to afford therapy and be clued into social services partly may account for the high percentage of adoptees seeking psychological help.
We also have
experience with children returned to their natural families and mothers after
protracted legal battles. The one that caused the most commotion in this
country was Baby Jessica DeBoer/Anna Schmidt in the nineties. From all
accounts, Anna Schmidt is doing just fine, and has no recollection of the
DeBoers. What she did not have to grow up with is the ingrained and eventually
depressing sense of gratitude that many adoptees develop, along with the
feeling that they must act a certain way.
Finally, the
sense of abandonment that infuses the gestalt a great many adoptees. Reunion,
or ongoing contact—nothing really can stem this, no matter how loving the “new”
parents are, the original ones are lost to the adoptee, and she is aware of
this all her life.
In making your
final decision on this particular case, I hope that your first consideration is
what would be the best for the child. There can be no other response than to
return her to her mother as soon as possible, and let her grow up with her own mother, a who wants her as only a mother can.
Sincerely yours,--lorraine
___________________________
___________________________
The comment above was left at this post:
*To the mother and child, adoption is always painful
**Carol Tavris, “A new start in life,” Times Literary Supplement, April 18, 2008, p. 27.
FROM FMF
Family ties broken by adoption, linked by sychronicity
The lie behind the question: Aren't those kids better off adopted?
Adoption 'builds' a family but always subtracts from another
No Matter How Adoption is Done, Grief Remains for Mothers
**Carol Tavris, “A new start in life,” Times Literary Supplement, April 18, 2008, p. 27.
FROM FMF
Family ties broken by adoption, linked by sychronicity
The lie behind the question: Aren't those kids better off adopted?
Adoption 'builds' a family but always subtracts from another
No Matter How Adoption is Done, Grief Remains for Mothers
READING
Synchronicity and Reunion: The Genetic Connection of Adoptees and Birthparents
"I am neither a professional nor an intellectual. I am simply an average adoptee who searched for and found my birth family. Many of my questions were finally answered, but many more were created. I became intensely curious about what part of me was from my genetic make-up, and what part I learned from my adoptive parents. This book has been extremely helpful in answering those questions and making sense out of the many coincidences I am discovering. There are others who have done studies and have their own opinions on the genetic connection, but unless you are an adoptee or a birth parent, you can never fully understand the impact or significance of this connection. Stiffler is a birth mother who has provided facts gleaned from both others' studies, and more importantly, her own personal life situation. Because of this, I highly recommend this book to all adoptees and birth parents."--Adoptee Gloria Curtis at Amazon
Personality: What Makes You the Way You Are
"Why are some people worriers, and others wanderers? Why do some people seem good at empathising, and others at controlling? We have something deep and consistent within us that determines the choices we make and the situations we bring about. But why should members of the same species differ so markedly in their natures? What is the best personality to have; a bold one or a shy one, an aggressive one or a meek one? And are you stuck with your personality, or can you change it?
Daniel Nettle takes the reader on a tour through the science of human personality, introducing the five 'dimensions' on which every personality is based, and using an unusual combination of individual life stories and scientific research. Showing how our personalities stem from our biological makeup, Nettle looks at the latest findings from genetics and brain science, considers the evolutionary origins and consequences of personality variation, and even includes a questionnaire for you to assess your own personality against the five dimensions."--Amazon
The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
"As an adoptee, I could not have written this book better myself. It is an extremely insightful book which opened up a world of understanding to myself and also to my loved ones. It helped me understand why I am the way that I am, why I do some of the things that I do, why I struggle with love in my life, and why I have this subconscious fear of abandonment and trust."--Adoptee Coco Ventura at Amazon
Though some find this book controversial, it remains popular among adoptees and first parents alike. Order any of the books by clicking on title or book jacket
I honestly don't know where to begin. I'm an adoptee. No therapy. In a healthy/loving marriage for over 17 years. Great relationships with my adoptive and first families. I never felt lost or out of place. My adoptive parents are some of the best people I have ever met. My first family is also pretty amazing, although geographically scattered, so I can't spend lots of time with them.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad, every single day, that I was adopted. GLAD. My first mother was NOT in a good place when I was born. My first family, in general, was pretty messed up. Lots of poverty, substance abuse, and emotional abuse. What child wants to be raised in that environment? Instead, I was raised by a loving, kind, generous, and middle class family. And from the beginning, they just "got" me. My mom was the kind of mom everyone loved. She could bake, sew, ride a horse, and was a beloved teacher. When she passed two years ago, the whole town showed up to the funeral. She was a saint of a woman. My father, taught me to drive a car, change a tire, and took me (and my sibs) to every park in our state it seems. Warm, fatherly, and generous.
When my first mother found me (I never searched) 10 years ago, I obligingly got to know her. Thankfully, over the years our relationship has warmed up and we chat on a weekly basis now. Yes, she's a nice woman. Yes, she looks like me. And yes, we get along. But, when she tells me stories of her past, I don't relate to her struggles at all.
There's no "just because" about it. I am flat-out glad of being raised with my adoptive family…my true family. You take a lot of liberties with this post. And I know that someone will question why I'm even here: because my mom sent me the link a while ago and I've been following along ever since.
Please don't mistake me. I love my first mom. She is a nice woman (Hi Midge, cuz, I know you're reading!!) and very loving. But we both agree that she did the right thing and I ended up exactly where I was supposed to.
Ohhh Lorraine, you are going to incur the wrath of the happy adoptees. Of which I am one. I'm sorry. I don't think it's some biological imperative to be raised by your blood kin. Love my adoptive parents. Love my adopted sisters. Adore my children (adopted). I don't feel some big mystical loss over it. I was never in therapy.
ReplyDeleteCommenters on other posts have said that feeling settled and at peace and (gasp!) happy with adoption is a sign of a deluded mind. Nope. Just a sign that, at least for me, biology isn't the end-all-be-all of the world.
I never searched. Never had the time or desire to. I worry about larger issues. When my biological sibling found me a few years ago, of course it was neat to meet him, but I didn't experience angels singing when we met.
Sorry. I'm just and adoptee and adoptive mom who had a great childhood and didn't have issues with being adopted.
Lorraine, do you know what my biological mother did for me? She left me at the hospital (at 2 months old) with a note stating that I was too much trouble for her. And I spent the next 7 years in foster care hell. Social workers spend years looking for her, my sperm donor, or any of their relations. Found nothing. Meanwhile, I was left to rot in the houses of people who wouldn't love me because I wasn't a permanent kid. I won't bore you with the details of how that feels. Because clearly you only think of yourself when you write. I have found that so many blogs of first parents have a very self-centered attitude. But, I digress.
ReplyDeleteThe year I turned 7, the state finally released me for adoption. My adoptive parents and I met the day I was shoved onto their door by a less-than-caring foster family. And HOLY HELL….this is what LOVE…REAL LOVE feels like. I treated them like dirt, but they still loved me. I bit, cursed, spat, and worse, and yet they still stayed and loved me. Damn straight they put me in counseling, thankfully. I needed every hour that I have spent with a therapist.
Please, let's not pretend that all (or even a majority) of birth parents are some saintly people who have been maligned by a big-bad agency or some evil family member. The number of truly horrible biological parents can be seen in the number of kids who get put into foster care, and who you all tout as being the "KIDS TO ADOPT".
You know what? I wish to high heaven that I had been adopted at birth. I wish that my biological mother had the foresight and wisdom to simply place me up for adoption. But, no, she took the selfish route...keeping me until she couldn't handle it. Shame on her. She doesn't deserve the right to know me.
Hmmm. Being raised in a slum with people who look like me, but I never see because they are working 3 jobs to feed various drug or alcohol addictions? Or being raised by loving people in a suburb who tuck me in every night, take me to the doctor when I am sick, and give me hugs when I cry?
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'd rather have my adoptive family any day of the week.
Lorraine,
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't sent it you may want to include something from the UN Child Rights Treaty that Canada has signed off on. (Every country except Somalia and the US)...
http://treaties.un.org/Pages/ViewDetails.aspx?mtdsg_no=IV-11&chapter=4&lang=en
This post is a letter written for a healthy, well-adjusted women who in a moment of panic allowed someone else to take care of her daughter. I know there are many happy, well-adjusted adoptees and I say: Good for you! What else is there to do but celebrate your good fortune? And I mean this most sincerely.
ReplyDeleteBut not everyone enjoys being adopted.
Obviously the pain of others--the ones who write to me, many who comment at his blog--do not. The received wisdom is that MOST children, if their parents are able, belong with their natural families.
And most first mothers are not out there celebrating, the way your write (I'm glad, every single day, that I was adopted. GLAD. that they are so GLAD they gave up their children. Does Midge just love it when you tell her how GLAD you are she gave you up? Does she return the favor and tell you how GLAD she is?
Maybe she does. Most first mothers don't.
BTW: I did use the word: many
To all of you that are posting about being GLAD that they are adopted, please stop and read the letter Lorraine wrote!
ReplyDeleteyou all wrote how awful it would have been if you stayed with your bio's...so therefore you DID have a compelling reason to be adopted! This baby as well as Veronica DON"T. this is what most of us are objecting to...the unnecessary adoptions that happen because the bioparents were either coerced, lied to, or scammed into giving babies away that have no good reason to be given away. The only reason they were is because there are people that covet those babies. The only reason being that a piece of paper was signed that should not have been signed to begin with. Because lawyers and judges only know how to stand behind the "laws" and legal maneuvering and there only objective is to WIN....those babies NEED to stay with their bio's that are very much able to love and raise them. THAT my dears is in the best interest of the child. No matter how great how adoptive family is(and mine was), the first priority should be with bio. UNLESS THERE IS A COMPELLING REASON NO TOO.
Yes Lorraine. Midge knows exactly what I said here. I don't lie to or for anyone. And she has told me that she made the right choice.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't expect you to understand Lorraine. I've been reading for a while. You and Jane use this as a platform to give adoption a bad rap. Your readers use it as a forum to bash people like me and label us as: unfeeling, sociopathic, and stupid.
I know that people out there have been hurt by adoption. Just as people have been hurt by drunk drivers, surgery gone wrong, and tons of other horrible things. But, adoption CAN and IS a good thing for many others.
I've seen how you treat people like my adoptive parents. Even when you can find nothing wrong with them, you still manage to twist something about them. Oh, and watch the sky fall if one of them does something wrong. Veronica's birth mom is generally excused for being a "bad example" but adoptive parents need to toe the line. It saddens me how hateful and ugly this site gets. And I know I'll get some blow back too.
I can count on one hand the number of people I've encountered who think adoption has harmed them. And I can't tell you how many people have told me (first moms and adoptees) who have told me how much adoption has been a blessing (not always in the religious sense).
Birth moms and adoptees who are happy, well adjusted, and satisfied are always called "in the fog" here. Perhaps it's everyone else who is. Perhaps you can't see past your own hurt and anger to see the truth. The truth that adoption isn't the evil you think it is.
I love it how people like me always get everyone riled up. I (and people like me) threaten you and your long-held beliefs. I threaten the comfortable idea that you are sad and hurt and alone because someone DID something to you. When, in reality, you keep yourself wrapped up tight against that truth.
My heart goes out to all of you.
No, Ginny, I don't think "[your] heart is going out to all of" the FMF readers. I think that you feel smugly superior to all of us, especially when our lives don't fit your template.
DeleteYou were adopted and raised by someone you call "a saint," you "obligingly," you say, met with your mother, Midge, and you are hap-hap-happy with your life. Those of us NOT raised by saints, whether biological or adoptive parents, can--to put it crudely--just suck it.
Earlier this month, I visited two members of my family-of-origin whose immediate family was torn apart by an adoption gone terribly wrong. My aunt, who now is nearly ninety, was allowed by a Catholic agency to adopt one (and only one, due to her age and my uncle's) baby girl. This aunt had always longed for a large family, made impossible after a series of gynecological and obstetric nightmares after the birth of her only son.
"I just wanted a baby girl," my aunt mused, looking into her teacup during lunch at a busy deli. "Was that so awful?"
No, what came after the adoption is what went awful. Despite my aunt and uncle's best intentions and efforts and love, my adopted cousin was like a wild wind: nothing her parents did was, or could ever be, "right."
"'You're not my real mother!', she used to scream at me," my pain-wracked aunt told me once again that afternoon.
"I remember," I replied, which I do. My cousin was deeply and furiously jealous of my relationship with her elder brother. She refused to believe that our closeness in age and interests, plus being nearly ten years older than her, had much to do with our ongoing relationship.
I'll draw a discreet veil over my adopted cousin's turbulent and criminal adult life, but it is a comfort to her brother, mother, and me that she does not know where my aunt lives. Due to episodes (plural) of elder abuse, a restraining order prevents this cousin from ever approaching her adoptive mother even if she knew where she lived.
Wanting to learn more about how adoption affects extended-family members, as well as those comprising the adoption triad, first brought me to FMF. And I am very glad I've stayed for all that I have learned about family dynamics of all kinds: adoptive and not, functional and dys-, and much more.
Brag on, if you like. We here will see you not as a role model to admire, but as the braggart you are.
OFF TOPIC but don't know where to post this! I read on Ancestry.com the other day that they are now offering DNA testing and using that tool to connect other registered ancestry.com users with blood relatives internationally. The fee is $100.00. This might be a good source for adoptees/first parents to connect with each other. Just an idea! :)
ReplyDeleteAnger issues,anyone?
ReplyDeleteAnyone else find it a little creepy that Lorraine wrote to support a complete stranger in keeping her child? That seems like an unsafe path to walk!!!
ReplyDeleteGinny
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be way more riled up than anyone else here. My son says he understands why I gave him up, and I udnerstand too, but does that make me GLAD?
No.
If you are so well adjusted and glad why are you even reading sites like this one? You can count on one hand all the unhappy adoptees you know--Lorraine has been involved in this for decades. When is the last time yu did anything for another adoptee, or got involved in working for open records. I would think you were too damn happy and GLAD to do anything like that.
I read what Lorraine wrote. Then, after reading the comments here, I decided to reread it. I think some of you need to reread what she wrote and not in a cursory manner.
ReplyDeleteIf your b-family didn't want you, then, adoption clearly needed to be an option. If your b-family was troubled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc., again, adoption clearly needed to be on the table.
Lorraine is advocating for a mother who wants to keep her child (and I assume that the mother is fit to raise the child). Are ANY of you who have railed against this post truly against this woman getting her child back?
No, biology doesn't mean everything, but it doesn't mean nothing, either. And, all other things being equal, a biological parent who is prepared to parent is better than a non-biological parent who is equally ready to parent.
The angriest people I hear from online usually end by wishing me peace, happiness or closure. Sometimes they say how sorry they are for me. It's strange how I usually don't feel that coming from them. It's like they add that on the end to prove they are good people.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand people who are glad they weren't raised in their own families. My mother had lots of problems, but I still wish I had grown up with her. I missed her my entire life. Some people don't.
Why would anyone want to give adoption a bad rap? I wish it was always wonderful, without pain and loss. But it's not. Many have suffered from unnecessary separation. I know I have, and I will continue to until the day I die.
Don't you think the authors of this blog wish they never had to write it? What do they have to gain by bashing adoption?
Hey, I am an adoptee but last time I checked this blog was called First Mother Forum not Happy Adoptee Forum.
ReplyDeleteWhy are you here in the first place if you are so darned happy?
I do not alway agree with Jane and Lorraine however it s their blog,and it is based in their experience. It isn't like they are hiding this fact.
I am unsure as to why the First Mothers here expressing their opinions riles everyone up so much.
Go start your own Happy Adoptee Forum and stop reading here if it gets you this upset.
Context people. Think about it.
Hey Ginny, Tanna, et all
ReplyDeleteLiars liars pants on fire.
The truth is that you were wounded, and that wound hasn't healed. And you have blame, resentment, anger, and unforgiveness over it. THAT is why you boast about how thankful you are, how at peace you are, etc. Which truly isn't just nor even mostly, because you lucked out and got decent people to take care of you, in substitution for your true family. It is because inherent in you just as is inherent in all of us, is the desire to be raised by our parents, in our families, which both are only of blood. It is because you didn't get to experience that, that the wound happened, and then the anger, and the resentment, the unforgiveness and really, the hatred. Even though it all may well be veiled underneath the "GLAD", and "at peace", facades.
You may think there is none of those negative feelings, because you think you should be feeling them as intensely as they were at the start and because you're not, thus they supposedly don't exist. Those emotions cool, and become so quiet, and covered up with all the positives you seek, attain, and cling to, to SURVIVE, that you forget consciously they're there, or you continually ignore them, attempting to pretend they aren't real.
You get high on the acceptance, the happiness, because knowing adoption afforded you by all appearances and most high standards, better people, and a better number of experiences, opportunities, stuff, etc, you are too cowardly to admit that inherent desire to have been raised by your parents, in your family. You're afraid of admitting such a truth, because 1.How it would affect those closest to you, like the ones who raised you. You wouldn't want anyone close to you to either accuse you of being ungrateful, or being unloving. 2.Heaven forbid it be known, to yourself or others, that you prefer rags to riches, even though it's not about that. It's about preferring your blood. The truth is, if your blood could have had it together, and afforded you the *better* life, as a child, pre-elitist attitude, you would have chosen your blood.
You have developed elitist mentalities, and you look down on the ones you are here because of, because you choose to look on their failings, their faults, what they didn't have, that in your summation, made them less desirable, or completely undesirable, especially compared the ones who raised you.
You don't know what it's like to grow up with subpar parents, who abuse you, neglect you, and YET, you recognize your relation, your shared traits, and you learn you can FORGIVE them, and while you may never lose hope that they could improve, be better, so that you could be treated better, knowing it would be so beneficial, you LOVE them anyway, UNCONDITIONALLY, because they're your PARENTS, the only ones you get in this life, the ones whom without, you wouldn't exist.
If you self professing happy adoptees were so happy, were truly well adjusted and at peace with being adopted, you wouldn't have to keep boasting you are, you wouldn't keep up with blogs like this and make it a point to spill your happy juice here, because truly happy people don't do that! They don't go where miserable people are, unless it's either to validate them, and comfort them, to support them. Not to push them even lower, so that they are even lower on the misery pole, than you people so clearly are. You just don't have the guts to accept you are and admit it. It makes you feel better by invalidating us who are open about our pain, by dismissing our pain, and by boasting about your supposed happiness.
Quit lying to yourselves and quit thinking you're fooling any of us, because you're NOT.
@Sarah:
ReplyDeleteOh dear, does just reading this site and others like it mean the reader is maladjusted? Lovely, just lovely.
I thought the word around here was that curiosity is a sign of intelligent life and it's the incurious who are "maladjusted". Interest and curiosity are not signs of pathology unless they are obsessive.
With countless voices of hurt and/or angry adoptees and "birth"moms out there, we can't just give up fighting for ethical adoptions/open records/family preservation because there are also "happy ones" in existence. **I** have been deeply traumatized by losing my first-born child, a daughter, to adoption. I was coerced, lied to, threatened, bargained with, etc. Even if my daughter was "just fine" with everything, which she has told me throughout the years that she is NOT, don't **I** count?? Why should I have to live with this punishment for the rest of my days? It's been 28 years now. I know I will never have TRUE peace in my lifetime. All because at 17, I had sex with the boy, who would later become my husband, and conceived a baby. And the driving force behind me having to relinquish? My Mother, the adoptee who claimed to have no problems or issues with being adopted. Well, come to find out she has BIG issues with having been given up. By the time we found her "birth"family, both parents had passed on, and there doesn't appear to be any siblings. I've lost a whole branch of my family tree too! Doesn't *that* mean anything?? It sure does to me...it's a huge loss. It's a loss to ALL of my kids as well. There are MANY questions that will never be answered.
ReplyDeleteWe have to begin with the premise that, barring abuse (of any kind), children are MEANT TO BE with their biological family. That seems like it should just be a logical "given."
What about these fathers who are being tricked out of their children by unethical agencies and being given away without their consent? Even if the child ends up with a great adoptive family and suffers no apparent consequences from being adopted, a father and his family have suffered a big loss. Just because the child may turn out well, does anyone else matter in the equation?
On the other side of it, what if the "birth"mom is happy and at peace, but the relinquished child is in turmoil? Then the adoption wasn't a success, now was it??
Relinquishment should be avoided if at all possible. In my case and most "birth"mothers I know, it was the "permanent consequence to a temporary problem." It's a greedy business and has been heavily exploited. America needs to wake up.
I've had the privilege of seeing both sides of adoption. Not just see both sides but feel both sides. My mother-in-law is an adoptee, my sister-in-law is an adoptive parent. My MIL never searched and, I guess, has never felt the need although she does know some of her biological siblings.. My SIL's joy in her adoptive son is apparent. I so much believed adoption was a wonderful thing that when my own daughter got pregnant at 19, I considered it a good option for her. After all, her grandmother and aunt had set wonderful examples. They were happy.
ReplyDeleteI've now had the privilege of watching my daughter suffer terribly from the pain of losing her daughter to adoption. I've seen her fail in things since she relinquished time and time again when we were told she would be able to carry on with life like it was before she got pregnant. I've grieved deeply for the loss of my granddaughter. Our lives are changed forever and not positively.
We are not drug users or unstable people. Our lives were wonderful until our daughter gave her daughter up for adoption.
The thing is I l believed the propaganda that people put out about adoption. I only saw my MIL and SIL's happiness. Its mostly the winners in adoption who spread their opinions. Most of the losers hide in shame and disgrace. They blame themselves and are embarrassed of their actions. Who wants to speak out against anyone ready to shout them down and insult them for their feelings. They are called "weirdos" and "outliers" and much, much worse. I've been called many names because of my loss to adoption and my willingness to speak out about it. Even through all of that, though, I would rather be the person I am today having experienced the grief, pain and loss that I have than still be a person who thinks adoption is wonderful and are GLAD about their adoption experience. I wouldn't change places with my granddaughters adoptive parents for any amount of money. Not because I like being yelled and screamed at and called horrible names or having my daughter called horrible names, but because I would never want to be responsible for inflicting the kind of pain we have suffered from adoption on anyone. I would never want to go back being blinded by the propaganda machine that is the adoption industry.
Something I don't understand about these posts -- are you all similar to your biological family members?
ReplyDeleteBecause I am not, personality-wise.
Family members being different -- isn't that why holiday get-togethers can be less then fun? We don't understand each other the way we understand our friends and our partners.
Thank you Lorraine for this post. Since I'm reading your blog probably since the beginning of the summer, I always learn something new. I also feel much connected in your subject. Even more for this one, because It's my story you are sharing with your readers. I am a completly fit mother, and did have a bad moment where people hadn't any understanding about what i was going through. My friends new that I sould change my mind about the adoption. I wasn't at the time I signed the adoption paper mentally weelbeing to do such a thing. People did consider but have put behind their morality. I don't know why my daughter should go through all the adoption processing and all the thoughts about it, when I can raise her. She as 2 siblings waiting for her. You can't imagine the pain they pain they had when they were told their sister won't be their sister anymore, I can't imagine the pain i felt to make them gone through that. Also, I am myself an adoptee and it was really painful to make this decision. There was nothing else I could do, was a no choice indeed. I always loved and I know she'll probably feel anger to learn I've tried all i can to have her back, but laws, lawyers , PAP had more power and more money that I have. This were it is unequal.
ReplyDeleteActually, Ginny et al, I was full aware of what I was doing when I gave up my child in 1966. I survived. No one who knows me would called me "bitter."
ReplyDeleteJane nor I do not hate or trash all adoptive parents the way you claim, but have seen the harm that adoption does to a lot of people, both birth mothers and the children they relinquish. I understand that some people are incredibly GLAD, as you put it, that they were adopted,you among them. My daughter said she understood how I came to give her up, that it would have been very hard to deal with her epilepsy, but I thank my lucky stars she never "thanked" me for giving her up, or said she was GLAD to be adopted.
I am amazed that the adoptees who are so GLAD they were adopted or happy being adopted found the post so incredibly offensive, or as one said, likely to incur the "wrath" of happy adoptees. The first part of the post consists of quotes from other experts--much more expert than myself--about the importance of being raised, when possible, by your own biological kin. Yet apparently this was a trigger point for the "happy adoptees" who have weighed in.
HDW, thank you for actually reading the original post again. Somehow a letter saying that a child will likely be better off with a healthy mother able to support her (the people I am sending this surely will become aware of her status) than with other people, was upsetting to some. The mental health of the mother is also part of the story that the upset adoptees have chosen to ignore, and no first mothers have yet commented complaining that I did them a disservice. For those who wonder, I have been communicating with the mother over a period of several months, and know her story.
I thought it would barely get anyone's notice, since I have not said anything here that others with their degrees and experience have said before me. One of the quotes is from the Donaldson Institute, which, as some of you may not know, is headed by an adoptive father, Adam Pertman. He is not a foe of adoption.
I wish all the happy adoptees peace and good health too.
ReplyDeleteSo condescending. I'm fine,you're fucked up, I wish you peace.
They seem to need it to control their anger issues.
Dear Lorraine,
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing your letter of support and recommendation for the mother struggling to retrieve her child. I think writing such a letter on behalf of the mother is a noble and good thing for you to do, just as a teacher writing a letter of recommendation to a college admissions committee after being asked to so by a student who she may barely know but recognizes as a smart, kindred spirit who did well in the teacher's course on a subject, say history or in the biological sciences, in which they were both intensely interested.
I write to you as someone who had very limited knowledge about adoption in the United States prior to learning about Veronica Brown' custody/adoption just prior to SCOTUS oral arguments in the case. I came across your forum shortly after that and through your forum found other blogs, forums, websites, Facebook pages, perspectives, ideas, information, books, learned articles, and peer reviewed academic research about adoption, its case law, its best and worst practices and so on and so forth. For my rapid and up to speed education re the topic at hand and for Veronica's case, I thank you, your readers and commenters, your fellow posters and bloggers, very much for educating me.
To close, I am writing this to you after a few days of travel when I had no on line access to the daily developments and commentary re Veronica and her father Dusten's situation. I am now almost caught up and I can say that this post here on your Forum and the commentary to it, adds much to its daily enlightenment as well as to the o going story about adoption writ large.
Once again, thank you for writing it.
Sincerely,
Bridget Morgan
Cambridge, UK
When I read Ginny's reply I understand why she would be happy to be adopted. Her birthmother Midge (who is reading this) was poor, emotionally abusive and a substance abuser. With Ginny's happy life it must be hard to hear her birthmother's sad stories that she can't relate to. So as Ginny says Midge and the family must be pretty messed up. I can see why Ginny would not consider her true family and really dodged a bullet there.
ReplyDeleteBut Lorraine was posting about a mother who is not abusive and just lacks money and support which of course is not like Midge at all who feels she did the right thing. The woman she is writing about needs support not adoption unless of course the most important thing in life is to be raised middle or upper class. I think the whole world would love that, but families still love each other even if they do not have much money.
"I have found that so many blogs of first parents have a very self-centered attitude."
ReplyDeleteYou know what, FedUpFoster? I find it self-centered that because adoption would have been a good and right option for YOU, you presume that adoption is good and right for all children who are adopted. Not all first parents are neglectful or abusive. A lot of them are coerced and make a mistake. It sounds like that's what happened here.
It's like one innocent person on death row implies that oversight of the justice system is needed. Just because there are guilty ones doesn't mean that they should all be presumed guilty.
Regarding using DNA testing to find family: I encourage readers to check out our review of adoptee Richard Hill's memoir which has a lot of information on DNA testing and what ate best sources for this testing and analysis.
ReplyDeleteUsing DNA to Find Family
I too re-read Lorraine's post after seeing all the backlash from the Happy Adoptees group. What did I miss? Lorraine is describing her thoughts about one specific first mother's situation. I failed to see any general statement that adoptees can never lead happy, fulfilling lives.
ReplyDeleteIt is clear that there are all kinds of people - content, wounded, angry, seeking to fill a missing void, not feeling any void - among adoptees. What is also true, however, is that adoption is never a first choice - regardless of the outcome. Otherwise, every time a child is born, the government would step in and assign that child to what they deem the best family to raise that child for society's benefit (kind of like the book The Handmaid's Tale). I don't see that Lorraine or Jane have ever denied that adoption is needed, sometimes. But when it seems unnecessary, as in the case of the woman whose cause Lorraine is championing in this post, it absolutely should be fought because the protection of families is the fundamental building block of a stable society. As an adoptive parent I must say that to fight for that protection, when the biological family is fit, is a good thing.
depen's comment placed this entire discussion in perspective...If there was abuse or neglect of the child in the original family, adoption should be an option. If, at all possible, the child should remain with some healthy member of the original family. If that is impossible, adoption by strangers should be considered.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, MOST adoptions of healthy white babies happened because the natural mother was unwed and considered "unfit" because she didn't have a husband. More often than not her circumstances improved and she could have raided her child successfully had she had support during her pregnancy. I am so sick of "happy adoptees" who believe most natural mothers could not have provided for t hem the way their adopters did. My child was "adopted down" and did not have the opportunities his half siblings had. It breaks my heart that I was told I was "unfit" to raise him. He got the short end of the stick.
I don't understand all the backlash to Lorraine's post. She clearly presents evidence and research that point to the fact that this child, and this mother, will be better off in the long run if they stay together. What's so wrong about that?
ReplyDeleteI, too, am a Happy Adoptee who had wonderful adoptive parents and extended family and a lovely, Norman Rockwell upbringing in a small town in the Midwest. My parents are saints, and I love them with all my heart. Yet I longed for my first mother all my life, always felt "different", had nothing really in common with them per se, so although it was a wonderful upbringing, I longed for my first mom, and longed for the sister I did not actually have knowledge of, but knew she was out there somewhere. With my parents' full support (they even took me back to the adoption agency for a meeting with a social worker to gather information) I searched and found at age 23 - found my mother and my sister, only 15 months younger. I have been in reunion now for 30 years, and STILL, I stayed in the fog about my true feelings and repressed my anger, sadness, and grief in order to be everyone's sweet daughter and get along and keep everything humming. Only in the last year or so, at age 51, have I learned the truth about the Baby Scoop Era and what REALLY happened to my mother and I. A horrible, ripping separation that she did not want, and that she tried with all her might to prevent....she refused to sign the papers until I was 3 weeks old - they finally wore her down, and no one would help - plus, the birth father lied to her about his marital status - a year later she found out his divorce was final the month BEFORE I was born...he could have married her, legitimized me, and I wouldn't have ever needed to be adopted in the first place. That really messes with your mind. Where did I really belong - where I grew up, with my loving adoptive family who wanted me so badly, or with my biological parents, who are so like me in so many ways? And with my sister, only 15 months apart, two little girls so close they were almost twins, separated for all their growing up years, unneccessarily.
So there are two sides to this, and every, coin. Every story is different. Every story has two sides. Everyone has two families, two sets of feelings to deal with, and how to make it all blend and work if there is a reunion. I can say that I've been extraordinarily blessed to have both families in my life now...or I can say I'm horrifically tortured by what happened to us, at the hands of the agency I always thought was my loving, church affiliated, benevolent entity. It's a total Mindf&*k, and I guess that's okay. It is what it is. There is no need to take sides with this. But I can say that in regards to Lorraine's letter of support, I think what she says is most certainly true, and I can attest to the genetic mirroring and traits that I did not grow up with and never had until I was 23 - and boom, there were all the similarities. My mom did a great job with my sister, and I'm sure she would have done a great job raising me, if she had had the chance. THere was no reason for us to be separated like that. All she needed was a little temporary help, as my father came back and married her just a few months later. I am sure that this mother who wants her child back only wants what every mother wants - the chance to raise her own child and bond with them and keep that attachment intact. You see, attachments in life are everything....and if that is disrupted so early in life, it will hurt that child, even if they don't know it yet or repress the feelings for years. The mother will suffer the rest of her life, too. Keeping families together and intact is the best for everyone.
Wow, Ginny, you know oh so many "birth" mothers that are oh so happy they abandoned their children? How the hell did Madge know you were going to a good family? You just got lucky my dear. You could have just as easily been sent to a narcissist and a pedophile. Home studies don't find out much. Just thank the stars that when your number came up you got paired with excellent parents. It doesn't always happen that way.
ReplyDeleteA lot of Midges problems most likely stemmed from losing you. I can't believe she puts up with you when you publicly trash her. You say you love her and then spill such venom?? Where is the compassion for the mother that brought you into this world? She is just as real s the mother that parented you. She has feelings and deserves respect.
Rita
I think we are all different. It depends on so many things. I have always had a deep longing for my original parents...I have dreamed of them since I was 5 years old, both my mom and Dad. In Annie when it's discovered her parents are both dead and she goes to live with Daddy Warbucks I was devastated. I wanted her parents to whisk her away.
ReplyDeleteWe are all different and have gotten different lots in our adopted life. Some of us have been abused and some of us have found a wonderful life in our adoptive families and probably don't think all that much about original families even though they think about us.
For ME, I never fit in my family, ever. I did not fit and my sister did not fit and she and I did not fit. We moved independently.
Fast forward to 2012 and I get to meet my father (bio) at age 46 (he was 70). And you know what, we fit....and it was that simple, that relationship between he and I. And my relationship and caring from him (and a crapload of therapy!) helped me come back around to my mother (bio).
THis is not how everyone does it or wants to. But this is my choice.
My mother wanted to raise me and could have with help. My dad could not have been my dad due to circumstance and social morays.
But I can't put my story on other adopted people. They have to decide for themselves. But what I will say is that I denied how crippled I was by my own adoption for a long time, and I do think there are people out there (not all) who are also crippled.
But, if you grieve you grieve hard....I did it today, and I don't need anyone anymore to tell me it's not real. And I know that there are so many mothers out there who were coerced and forced to relinquish...and that is not the baby's fault, but their pain is immense, and that must be affirmed and I have compassion for each and every one of them.
None of the crap that happened to my mother ever should have happened to any human being....denial helps protect us from a lot of things.
If you are happy and adopted I am really and truly happy for you. You don't need to feel bad for me...I feel bad enough for me.
Ginny, I am not defending Lorraine...she does not need defending (if I know one thing I know that).
ReplyDeleteI think that she is happy when people are happy to be adopted.
The one thing I will say is that probably the reason you don't know that many unhappy adopted people is that we unhappy adopted people are scared to death to let anyone know, and there are lots of reasons for that fear.
I don't presume that my unhappy experience of being adopted should in any way reflect on your happiness in your family. I just did not get a good match. I don't even blame my parents, I really don't.
I think what was so very very wrong then when Lorraine relinquished Jane and my mother relinquished me is the barbaric nature of the system...and you in no way, in my opinion, have any obligation at all to be interested in that if it is not what you choose.
I THINK what Lorraine is trying to say is that in many cases we are seeing and still see, a parent wants very much to raise a child but are viewed as lesser, that a middle class family will be "better" and a two parent home will be better.
We have lots of kids living in the projects. I am a really rich white lady who lives in a 2.5 million dollar house...should I get to raise those kids or should we help their mother be a better mother? Where do we draw the line?
Again, Lorraine can speak for herself (sorry if I stepped on your toes).
I grieve the loss of my family a lot...it does not define me, but it sure affects me. I am so happy for adopted kids who are happy. I hope my own adoptive daughter is happy...but I also see her at age 12 grieving for her original family, too. And I can barely do a thing to help her.
Let's be compassionate, friends for what others go through, shall we?
Well said!I have not read all the comments, but believe if the parents are unfit, then adoptions is a viable option. If you have fit biological parents or relatives, then the child should remain with parents or relatives. I am glad for all the adoptees who claim to have no questions or desire to search, but I have not met any of you. In my profession, I encounter adoption on a regular basis and strongly believe that if you have a fit parent, then a child should remain if at all possible with that parent. I have seen many beautiful adoptions, but even in the best adoption there are wounds that must be healed. I have the best (adoptive) parents. I am truly blessed, but all the kids in our family have searched for their biological families. Part of the reason we had the strength to search was because we knew it was purely about the drive for a genetic connection to our ancestry, and not the need for "parents." Adoption is tricky. Why go down that path if you have a fit biological family member.
ReplyDeleteIt is my personal belief that "a truly happy adopted person with absolutely no issues from his/her adoption" doesn't really exist. Everyone has their own threshold for pain and I think that the adopted persons who exclaim pure happiness about their adoption are ignoring their core- and their loss bc they can't go there-too painful.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite quotes lately was from a blog' I recently read--"Understand that grieving what I have lost does not therefore mean I am regretting what I now have." I believe that I can have had a happy childhood and love my adopted family and still feel the loss of my original clan. For most of these folks- it seems to have to be either/or but not both. I also think that is part of the problem that still exists w. stigmas of adopted persons and parents who relinquished- the adoption world made "adopting and adoptive parents" saintly and figured out a way to glorify their side but little has been done to remove the stigmas of the other side.
When I help people search, it takes FOREVER for the adopted person to open up to say that yes, adoption had an effect on their lives in many ways. I hear from those I have helped that it is bc we have been programmed by society to be quiet, we were chosen, to act "grateful" that we were not with “those” people - placing such an unwarranted judgement- society instilling unworthiness (and adding to that the harm closed records still hold-denying answers to basic human questions). -- the whole thing makes me ill.
Adopted persons still have to make excuses on why they are searching bc society isn't quite "there' yet to be open to people wanting what everyone else has- their roots, their origins- Every time I see that show "Who do you think you are?" and all those celebrities gushing over how important it is to know and what a powerful connection it is for them to know- it baffles me why society can't make the connection to people who are adopted and our need to know.
When I was first in reunion, it was not my parents who reacted poorly- it was their close friends and some other family members- asking me why I would open “that can of worms?”, telling me that I would be hurting my parents (who btw were supportive of the reunion and sent my bmother a gift of a photo album when I first met her) and generally not supportive. When my parents and I invited my birthfather and his family to my son's baptism- I actually had someone say they wanted to come to the party bc they loved me and my family but didn't understand why "those" people were going to be there and I went ballistic- told them they need not come to the party but to love me they would need to respect from which I came. My parents were shocked by the reactions.
ReplyDeleteLorraine,
Thank you for always being true to who you are actually reaching out and caring for those that attack you on your own blog.
I only wish I could be so loving and compassionate even after the loss you have incurred.
I do think that there are a lot of people reading here adoptee's and adopters besides mothers who do not post but read and get strength through you and your blog.
Thank you so much
A mother of loss from 1966
BabyGirlCarter, I have heard the same before. After I was reunited with my daughter in 1981, she started spending summers with me and my husband, a thousand miles away from Wisconsin. She said the kids as school questioned her--why would she want to spend time with "that woman?" What they understood were abandonment issues, and they told her things like they "would have nothing to do with her" if they were the adoptee. My own sister-in-law, who has traveled back to Asia to visit the village of her ancestors twice! once said the same--that she didn't think people ought to open that can of worms. Yet she is very tied into her heritage. I found it so astounding I said nothing.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone (Dpen, etc)who has commented here--even Ginny and Tanna and Anons who found the post offensive for it started a dialogue. It is interesting that the two derogatory posts came within ten minutes of each other, which I found more than a little interesting.
The letters--all 3 of them I was asked to send--got in the mail today.
Everyone, have a good weekend! Friends coming over for dinner tomorrow--and ye gads, I am having a table at a local church yard sale! Cleaning out the mid-century and deco dishes pottery and dishes I have been collecting for years. It's time. I'm saving money for new counters. Ours are mid-century Formica....
This comment is to the Happy Adoptees commenting...
ReplyDelete****
I'd like to tell you the story of being happy about the outcome, but not happy about the event.
I am angry that it happened to me, it didn't need to.
I am happy every single day for the outcome. Even though it is a different life, it is still a good life after all filled with love.
I struggle every single day that I had to experience the event, and at the age I experienced the event.
At times I rail that life is not fair, and why me?
I mourn all that I have lost, including the relationships that are now gone and can never be, what they were before.
I am jealous of what they still have, that I do not, and never will.
I am thrilled that I have today. I love my life.
If I had not experienced the event I would never have met the most kind, loving, great people that I am blessed to know, and have in my life.
You see, everything has both positive and negative to it. You can't escape it. To pretend one does not exist with the other, is to only tell one side of the story.
No, the story above has absolutely nothing to do with adoption, but another part of my life. At some point in your life when you have actual lived experiences, you might be forced to open your mind that everything, including adoption by the way, can hold both positive and negatives within the same story. None of the negatives go away because they are fact. None of the positives go away because they are fact. Even none of the neutral parts go away because they are fact. Kind of like the atom when you stop and think about it, or the rainbow after the rain. Life doesn't work one way or the other - it works both ways with even the neutral thrown in for good measure. Eventually you will grow up enough to understand. Till then carry on, it's entertaining.
Jane August 30, 2013 at 11:49 AM, you said "I don't understand all the backlash to Lorraine's post."
ReplyDeletePerhaps there's a problem with the headline. Until I read the whole piece I had the same reaction as some of the negative commentators here. In particular with the "Because.". It sounds so like "Because I said so". Dismissive and authoritarian..
I majorly support Dusten and Veronica, but I would like to know more about this case before drawing a parallel. Perhaps I'm missing something but for instance Lorraine refers to "the parents" rather than the "prospective adoptive parents". Does that mean this adoption been finalized and is being challenged? Also, how old is the little girl and how much time has she spent with either family?
I know the facts in this case behind the letter, and I will not be revealing them here. Draw a parallel or not, it's up to you. I find it that way. There is a good women who wants to raise her daughter, and the parents who have her know that. They are acting like the Capobiancos, who I think are rotten!
ReplyDeleteThe adoption has not been finalized. Trust me or not. Headline are headlines. You can't say everything or have nuance in a headline.
It's likely that "Ginny" and "Tanna" are the same person; I noticed the comments were left within ten minutes of each other. I didn't take the time yesterday to figure out the IP address from whence they came.
The problem that I have is despite the fact that someone "wants to" raise their child are they capable to do so? In regards to the above mentioned mother Lorraine is advocating for, she place her child for adoption and then changed her mind. What makes you think, when under stress, she will be able to cope? Also, in regards to parents that want to raise their children, anyone can have the "desire" to raise a child but can they?
ReplyDeleteSometimes as an adoptive mom these threads are hard to read. But I *do* read them because I want to have insight into what my daughter might be feeling but is afraid to tell me. It isn't important to me to somehow prove that she is "mine" rather than a very real part of her first mom and first family. I don't want her to feel like she has to love us more than she loves them or somehow weigh who loves her more. My only goal is for her to be well adjusted to who she is...and part of being well adjusted is knowing exactly who you are and who you were born to be. Sometimes I read painful things, but these are realities and they ARE painful. It's part of what I signed up for when I adopted. I don't want my daughter to grow up defending or choosing either "side" of her family (biological/adopted). I want her confident that she is a part of BOTH families and feels loved and a part of all of us. Some people think that isn't possible but I am determined to solve that puzzle because I love her and want the best for her. And I guess I should point out that there is NO CHANCE that she will one day say she was raised by "Saints". Ha ha ha!
ReplyDeleteLorraine, I also thought that Ginny and Tanna might be the same person due to the similarity in writing style, tone etc. And Ginny, if I had had just 1 person in my corner like Lorraine, I might not have had to lose my child to adoption in 1969. I turned out to be a very warm, capable, loving mother who would have been able to manage raising a child with some support.
ReplyDelete@adoptedones - I very much enjoyed reading your response about the positives and the negatives. It brightened my day!
Anonymous @ 9 am
ReplyDeleteHave you ever had a child and felt helpless and without support while you are suffering from the rush of hormones that engulf you after you have had a baby?
Thought not.
We do appreciate it if you say what your connection to adoption is as yours screams out : ADOPTIVE PARENT/PROBABLY MOTHER.
Are we right?
Anon@9,
ReplyDeleteThe same can be said for adoptive parents! Many adoptive parents get by the home eval just fine and should NOT have been allowed to adopt an innocent child not born to them. The adopted person has enough to deal with in the best of circumstances, let alone a bad adoption and they are MORE common then you think. PAPS that think love alone should heal everyone, when the child comes to them with their personalities and issues, when the child needs to assimilate into a family instead of the other way around(how many times I have heard he/she was not a good fit for our family...I could just gag), or...the times when the parents may love them just fine but the extended family does not completely except them as family because ...you know...they are not blood
I truly feel that barring abuse and neglect most birthmothers have NO idea of the enormity of what they are doing TO THEIR CHILD...let alone the grief they have to deal with. So when I hear about people that say well maybe this woman is not good enough for their child you had better have really good reasons...abuse and neglect...otherwise the child should stay with bio.
It just totally amazes me how society really thinks its ok to pass babies around and think those babies are just going to fine with it. All because there are parents that can't or won't have children of their own. To those that say they wish they were adopted...no you don't...you wish your family was better, to those that say they would have been worse with their bio's...maybe...but thats a tragedy, not some miracle of adoption...its a very sad thing and something that needs to be addressed with each and every child adopted. NOT be brainwashed into thinking that your biology is bad and be on your knees in gratitude that you were "saved" Its all brainwashing to make the mommies and daddies feel better.
Then when the bio see beyond the coercion and understand the enormity they are chastised with WELL YOU signed the paper so you cant have them back...what??
Bio may not always be better but its a very sad thing when that happens...but biology still remains VERY important to the adoptee as thats what they are made of and when someone negates that you are negating the very child you say you love.
just because someone has lots of money and appears stable does NOT atomically mean they are good parenting material for an adopted child. Like 2nd mom says you are raising an adopted child not one you gave birth to and that you need to be educated about in order to be good enough for the precious being coming into your house.
I think there are plenty of us who could have been MORE than "capable" of raising our children had we had a bit of temporary support/help. All I needed was to NOT be kicked out of my house. That's all...a place to live and a family to support me emotionally and love me and my baby despite the bad timing. Less than 2 years later, I had my son. He is almost 27, has a beautiful wife, has given me 2 of the most adorable grandsons on the planet, and has a very successful military career. My other children are doing quite well also.
ReplyDeleteIt sure is easy to be dismissive of us when it suits a selfish purpose.
"Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteThe problem that I have is despite the fact that someone "wants to" raise their child are they capable to do so? In regards to the above mentioned mother Lorraine is advocating for, she place her child for adoption and then changed her mind. What makes you think, when under stress, she will be able to cope? Also, in regards to parents that want to raise their children, anyone can have the "desire" to raise a child but can they?
August 31, 2013 at 9:00 AM"
Well, we don't know the story that Lorraine is referring to. We don't know if she relinquished or if she was coerced into doing so. We don't know if she felt that she was in a helpless situation and entrusted her child to someone temporarily. Maybe this wasn't a matter of "coping". There are too many maybes in this situation to draw any conclusions about this particular mother's situation. BUT...maybe we should give Lorraine the benefit of the doubt because she is the only one here who does have those answers. ;)
Thanks you so very much, 2nd MOM~
ReplyDeleteDpen 8/31-5:37
ReplyDeleteYour post has merit but again, anyone can say they "want" to raise their child but are they willing able and ready to make the sacrifice to do so?
I work with young adults who should have been adopted at birth. Their parents did not have the capacity nor desire to make the sacrifices needed to be good, hands-on parents.
I'm sure, at first, the parents had good intentions but after experiencing the hard work and dedication parenting entails, they decided it was not for them and their children pay the price.
Not to be dismissive, but just because you(general) can give birth to a child doesn't mean you are the right person to raise them, and that's a fact.
And just because one has the ability to purchase a child from a baby broker,does not mean they (general) are the right ( or that they have the right) to raise them... And that's a fact.
DeleteAnonymous:
ReplyDeletePlease choose a name and tell us more about the kind of work you do.
And please tell us more. Are you talking about teens raised by drug addicts? I understand your exasperation and empathy when you see the difficult lives of the teenagers, but your attitude would take away babies from a great many women, some of whom who will turn their lives around. You would be making decisions for a whole lot of people, decisions that cannot be overturned, no matter what. And being adopted leads to a whole new set of issues. It is dangerous to get into the business of making decisions about other people's lives.
I wonder what percentage of domestic adoptive parents are raising children who were desperately wanted by at least one of their natural parents? 80 percent? 90 percent? And are they aware of this, at all? Probably not. My a-mother is of the "Baby, you were meant for me" variety, but my a-father gets it. He finds it very sad that my natural mother had to give me up for basically no reason at all. Here is the sum total of what was wrong with my first mother. She had sex when she wasn't married. Yep, that's it. And for that I had to have many of the consequences that dpen so eloquently wrote about in her comment at 5:37pm.
ReplyDelete2nd mom wrote: "And I guess I should point out that there is NO CHANCE that she will one day say she was raised by "Saints". Ha ha ha!"
Thanks for the laugh :) tee hee hee, I'm still chuckling.
Also, there is a protest/rally planned near the Nighlight adoption agency in Greenville, SC on Saturday, Sept 7th at noon, to support Veronica Brown and Baby Desirai.
https://www.facebook.com/events/545601855494128/?ref=22
Robin says of what was wrong with her first mother: She had sex when she wasn't married.
ReplyDeleteCount Jane and me in that group.
I'm in the group too! That's the group who had sex when they were unmarried.
ReplyDeleteGail said:
ReplyDeleteI'm in the group too! That's the group who had sex when they were unmarried.
Yep - that would be me too... had sex when I wasn't married... and lost my daughter because of it!!
anony,
ReplyDeleteAgain, I understand what you are saying BUT...the same can be said for adoptive parents also. Life happens, divorces happen...even with adoptive parents which then makes the child a child of a single parent. Adoptive parents go on to have their "own" and realize how important "bio" really is,/financial difficulties befall the adoptive parents...all of that makes them not as invested in their childs life. the adopted teen becomes pregnant and i truly believe that the adoptive parent would be much more willing to give that child away as there is no bio connection to the grandchild and just look at how wonderful adoption is for the adoptive parents and would make everyone look all the more saintly, as the mother is losing something precious and the child is again removed once more from biology.
Adoption can not be the "forst optian" it should be the last resort...for the best interst of the child that is....
Lorraine 9/1:
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your question, I work as a counselor in a non-profit high school. Many of the children come from dysfunctional backgrounds where many of their mother were TOO young to be mothers.
As stated before, I'm sure they had the best intentions but after experiencing what "true" parenting entails, they decided it was not for them ( they wanted their freedom) and the child was "bounced" from relative to relative without any stability.
Now with that being said, I ask all of you this: do you think a child being seen as a burden or being bounced from relative to relative is good for the child because they have "genetic mirroring" or are "raised by their kin"? If so, then I will gladly have you speak to my students.
@Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI do not disagree with everything you've said. It is absolutely true that there are biological parents who are not capable or not willing to raise their children. It would be so much easier if adoption was always wrong and never necessary, then we could all be unanimously against it. But I think most everyone at this blog would agree that there are times when adoption is necessary.
What rankles is the wholesale selling of adoption as some wonderful solution without truly acknowledging the many lasting negative consequences it brings to both the parent and the child. Our bloggers and many of the first mothers who comment here, as well as myself and many of the other adoptees here, are from the Baby Scoop era when the only reason for adoption was that we were born out of wedlock. None of us want to see a social experiment like that happen again.
You write about "genetic mirroring" and "raised by their kin" rather flippantly. But those things ARE important. Take the case of Miss Veronica Brown. There are many people who would deny her these very things because she MIGHT have a more affluent lifestyle with genetic strangers. Now, imo, that is evil, plain evil, to deny a child her natural family for such a spurious reason. Anyone can see in the pictures how happy and well cared for Veronica is. I never looked that happy in childhood pics with my adoptive family. So, imo, adoption does need to be an option, but only, ONLY, when it is absolutely necessary.
Anon..9/2
ReplyDeleteWhat you see must be disturbing. Being as pro child as i am i can't help but worry about those kids. AGAIN< I say maybe a few of those cases you see are the compelling reason for a child to be raised by someone else. NOTE...I did not say adoption as it is today, I mean that someone else who wants to raise children can raise them without the child losing identity,BC sealed and being made to fit into a family so the "new parents" can feel like a mommy and daddy.
You seem to dismiss the genetic mirroring aspect...ask many adoptees and that is one of the most important things we seek when searching, so guess you don't much about how that can impact a child.
I totally agree that these children, the babies should not be put through all of this but totally understand how many adoptive parents are not up for the job either.
So until we make the raising of children truly about the children and not have society fight over "whose the real and best mommy" will I believe that adoption as it stands today is inherently good.
Whats not toally understood is that these kids need more then the perfect looking, stable appearing, pool and pony . They need to know themselves where they came from and how it makes them a whole person. Genetic mirroring is part of that.
There needs much more education, much more delving into the reasons why someone wants to adopt Is it to be able to have babies they can call their own? Or to raise a child that needs to be raised? If it is the latter they would understand and respect the need for genetic mirroring, the need to know about their bios and to be respect for their biological make up...not have it hidden and undercurrents of disrespect.
If there is a compelling reason for a child to be removed from their mother or father so be it....but that does not mean its time for PAPS to jump up and done and say they finally got a kid. Its time to understand the horrible thing thats happening to this child and from that point on help the child cope...even when they are just infants.
There are neglectful and evil bparents out there...but there are selfish, self centered adoptive parents out there too.
If kin is not important why are we not justing giving any baby to new parents out of the nursery? Bio does not matter? Take any baby...don't like the one you gave birth to? Pick another...after all it does not matter?
Amen, dpen well stated adoption is not the answer for all mainly babies and children who suffer immensely so adults can have what they want, a baby because they can't have their own and can borrow and get loans to pay for a child or children. An international child they are saving and of course get the special order.
ReplyDeleteA child they get through the bmom who makes decision for herself but leaves father out because she can and agency helps facilitate this fraud.
Adoption is so full of atrocities just because no one really cares about the baby or child they care about themselves. B moms, b dads and adopters alike are all guilty.
I am one of those moms that was trapped and got pg before marriage. Found guilty I lost my son to adoption in 66. I don't see that adoption did anything great for him. He was raised in a family that thankfully was ok but there were problems first and foremost he was in a single parent home soon after being adopted. Hello, I was a single parent and mother to my son but without that ring I was nothing. He soon became a step parent raised adoptee abused by and emotional abuser. His female adopter decided to stay with this person because he was her ticket to prosperity and another marriage. She has since passed my son was left some money but his grief of not being raised by me was evident yesterday as we had a breakfast meeting. He has never blamed me, has always understood, but has been harmed by the "best interest of the child" mindset. the social experiment that failed adoption just keeps on failing but it isn't about the child is it?
"Anonymous Dpoen said...
ReplyDeleteanony,
Again, I understand what you are saying BUT...the same can be said for adoptive parents also. Life happens, divorces happen...even with adoptive parents which then makes the child a child of a single parent. Adoptive parents go on to have their "own" and realize how important "bio" really is,/financial difficulties befall the adoptive parents...all of that makes them not as invested in their childs life. the adopted teen becomes pregnant and i truly believe that the adoptive parent would be much more willing to give that child away as there is no bio connection to the grandchild and just look at how wonderful adoption is for the adoptive parents and would make everyone look all the more saintly, as the mother is losing something precious and the child is again removed once more from biology."
As an adoptive mom I have to respectfully disagree. It's odd that you believe adoptive parents view their (adopted) children any differently than biological parents do. Just because a family goes through a divorce or experiences financial devastation (been there) doesn't change their view of their child(ren) or compel them to kick that child to the curb if life throws them a hand grenade! If my daughter experienced an unplanned pregnancy I would be equally devastated as any natural parent would be! I also have the first hand brain searing memory of witnessing her first mother/family struggle with their own decision to give her up. That is not a choice that I imagine ANYONE taking lightly. That wouldn't change because a child was adopted rather biological. I don't know who these callous adoptive parents you speak of are but it far from my own viewpoint. I personally take my responsibility as a parent infinitely more seriously because of how she became a member of our family. I can't speak for other adoptive parents or that group as a whole but I don't believe your viewpoint encompasses "the norm".
anonymous 8:04. I'm sure you see many painful things being involved with low income families, but do you really think taking the children of the poor and reassigning them to the better off is the answer?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure if we asked your students if they wanted to be given away by their mothers as infants, most would say "no way" despite the hardships they have endured.
Family belongs together, and redistributing infants will never be the right thing to do.
Adoptmuss 2:30:
ReplyDeleteWho said the kids come from low-income families ( that's stereo-typing). Many of them come from working-class and middleclass backgrounds and represent ALL races!
My point was, and still is, that not everyone who wants to raise their child can do so. And in regards to them ( my students) not wanting to be adopted when infants, many of them do not have good relationships with their mothers-that should tell you something.
Many of their mothers resent and "blame" them ( the kids) for not fulfilling their life dreams because they were young mothers. But whose fault was that for them having a child so young, why blame and resent the child?
In cases like these, A LOT of these kids would have been better off adopted.
There are children who should have been adopted at birth but instead were raised by abusive parents; there are children adopted at birth who could have been raised by loving natural parents.
ReplyDeleteThese facts tell us that the unregulated adoption marketplace does a poor job of matching children who need good homes with people who can provide good homes.
Until we take the money out of adoption and restore adoption to its original purpose--to provide families for children who need them--we will continue to see this misalignment.
Jane, 9/2 11:44 PM:
ReplyDeleteIts not that easy.
As I stated before, I'm sure the mothers of my students had the best intentions of being good hands on mothers, but soon found themselves deep in the teaches of parenthood and it was over their heads. That's when resent and blame come in and many times leads to neglect, abuse or/and the child being bounced from relative to relative.
Long story short, having the "desire" to parent in many cases means nothing, because there's no way to tell who will be a good parent until they are parenting. And if a child is too young to take care of herself much less a child or later acknowledges its too much for them and they don't want the responsibility, then I am all for adoption because the consequence are horrific. Believe me, because I have seen the results.
Counselor in a high school
annon 11;44
ReplyDeleteyou don't think the same thing happens with adoptive parents? Really? Look up PAD ...its a condition where adoptive parents become depressed because well....adoption, they have realized is not the same as having your own...and who hurts? The children! They do things like Forcing bonding, calling any issues their child has to RAD, sperating their issues from their childs to look like they are the saintly adoptive parents that need to deal with these "wounded" children and of course it has nothing to do with THEM...its that terrible bio family that has made their efforts to have a family get itn the way.
Just because a potential adoptive parnet WANTS an child does not mean they are capable of raising and ADOPTIVE child.
hjere has been so much money made on the sale of children and then the treatment of adoptive children(after all its all the child's fault for not being good enough for the saintly adoptive family.) that the true reason for the child's angst is the fact that no one sees the child as being human but as a problem or gift to the adults...its really sick.
Dpens:
ReplyDeletePlease stop! When you use the "us against them" mentality instead of "real life" experience, then you lose merit. Again, I ask that you speak to my students to hear what they have to say. Again I am not denying that aparents have flaws but many times mothers are too young to handle the challenges and responsibilities of parenthood and their children pay the price.
It could have easily happened to you also. Imagine your mother was young and had minimal to no support from her family or your father? What do you think COULD have happened( not would have happened to you)? Remember, your mother of today is not the same young woman of yesterday, how do you think you would have turned out?
I love what you said, dpen. We are polarized, all too often: either problems or gifts, rather than humans. Even the best aparents sometimes don't want us to scratch below the surface of what we go through, they don't want to hear, or to know. We're caught between two worlds, and set apart from both.
ReplyDeleteLucia
No, I will not PLEASE STOP....I will continue to say what I know. Are you READING what I am saying. Based upon what I have lived and what I have seen I do know what I am talking about. Do you even know my story...no you do not.
ReplyDeleteSorry you do not like what I am saying but how dare you to tell me to STOP. I can understand why you want me to STOP but I will not. The prevailing attitude on adoption is that it is wonderful..take those babies away...they will do better, lock up who they are, make them feel guilty about having their own very valid feelings on THEIR adoptions, try to brain wash them into towing the party line and all we be good right? Tell an adoptee to STOP and they by golly they will because they don't know any better.
I AM talking real life experience. My 1st mother didn;t have any help, my birth father did run away when he found about about me. I had wonderful adoptive aprents...and I still don't believe adoption should be practiced as it is today. It is only natural for a child to stay with their natural families...it is NOT a WONDERFUL thing to remove a child, its is a sad thing even it the best of circumstanses There is not a soul born that WANTS to be separated from their family and it is sick for a society to celebrate that and thats what happens. Why? well because PAPS are getting what they want a family.
Hmmm...wonder how i got to these feelings, first and foremost my parents(my mom and dad )got it back in the day) and respected me for my position as an adoptee, their daughter but a daughter of someone else they respected that. Thats why it befuddles my mind that everyone else does not.Then with the age of the internet i have seen so many minimizing comments about adoptees and attempts to make them STOP that it infuriates me and the larger picture became much more clearer to me. Basically the industry of adoption is NOT there to "protect" the children, they are their to fill a need whose product happens to be children.
I have also seen many teen mothers who HAVE succeeded in raising wonderful children. Was it easy for them...NO but they did it.
Based upon MY real life experience children DON'T want to lose their families unless their is a compelling reason and if it needs to be done it needs to stay about the children and not the potential parents. THAT is what is missing in todays adoptions. If you can not see that then YOU need to see real life experience.
When you say "us against them" I presume you mean 1st mothers against adoptive mothers and that my dear is just my point...in my mind it has NOTHING to do with either one but everything to do with the child. the fact that you said that is telling....you are defending ALL adoptive parents against 1st families..where I want the child voice to be heard.
It has become WAY to easy to bounce innocent children around based on the needs of the adults and that is very sad.
Another thing why don't you come out of hiding and post a real name?
Another thing...you want me to talk to these girls...I think that there are many 1st mothers that would love to talk to these girls and tell them the real truth of losing your child because of a temporary thing. Again...unless there is a real compelling reason to have a child lose a family then it should not be done.
ReplyDeleteRE: young mothers and being overwhelmed by parenthood and passing kids to relatives...this can happen to any mother at any age. How many older women use others to do the the bulk of the child-rearing? Nannies, daycare, boarding school, camps - all so mom can continue her life with as little interference from the kiddo as possible. Some adoptive mothers do this as well - there's no guarantee that once a baby is adopted she won't be passed off to even more strangers while mom is focused elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteIt's not age that makes one either a good or bad mother. Some women simply realize too late that they don't have much desire to take care of their children. Telling young mothers to give up their babies is not a solution for this because you can't easily tell who is maternal and who isn't.
It's convenient to look backwards into a troubled teens life and believe that had adoption been chosen the child would have had a perfect upbringing. But no one can guarantee how an adoption will work out, no matter what the brochures promise.
(Standard disclaimer: my comments are in reference to domestic infant adoption.)
Dpen-7:38 PM:
ReplyDeleteOk. Let's be realistic: your " reality" is different from my reality because we both see what can happen when a woman has a child when she is too young.
As stated before, I deal with many kids ( too many) that don't have any kind of relationships with their mothers because the mother resents the child because they had them too young. And yes many of them may not say it, but one can feel it, that they know they would have had a better outcome IF they were raised by people who where able, willing and ready to raise them. Not someone who had the "desire" to raise a child and soon found themselves over their head.
Anon, please make up a name--and click on Name/URL--you don't need a URL to use that.
ReplyDeleteNow to the issue: What FMF's readers and myself do not see in your comments is an acknowledgement that BEING RELINQUISHED and BEING ADOPTED leads to a whole new set of issues and problems. Yes, the kids would have had certain assurances but the sense of abandonment is a very big mountain to cross emotionally, and the adoptees writing to you are saying that you are not acknowledging that many of them do not fare that well. If you look at the population of people in AA, seeking mental care, taking drugs, in jail, et cetera, you find that the adopted are sadly disproportionally represented. I am sure that you do see mothers who should not have had their children; but you have not dealt with the pyramid of problems that may stem from being adopted, starting with feeling abandoned and worthless. Some of the comments you would find here at other blogs and elsewhere are simply heart-breaking.
Adoption is not a solution to the problem you see.
Lorriane:
ReplyDeleteI DO deal with kids who feel abandon and worthless because their mothers tell them so. I deal with all types of dysfunction and believe me, I am very aware of how these kids feel and what they go through. I am not saying adoption is all roses but it is needed ( I think) in many cases when a child is too young to take care of herself much less a child OR when a woman finds herself pregnant again and cannot cope with having the added responsibility.
A counselor in a high school.
Counselor:
ReplyDeleteFrom the sound of it, you would automatically remove many children from their birth mothers. Some women and young teens should not be mothers; okay. But from what I read in your comments, your system would take a great many children from their mothers. That would indicate you knew better than anyone the outcome for the mother, for the child, at the time you were removing the children from them. It would put "authorities" into some kind of Future World where others decide who would get to raise their children, who would not be found suitable, and the children would be parceled out to other more worthy parents. We already have a makeshift system like that operating under the aegis of a hundred "Christian" adoption agencies who espouse that "other parents" are better than you, the young and/or the poor.
For a great many women who are unable or unwilling to raise children at the time they are pregnant, abortion would be a better answer than what you describe. We do know that taking children away from their mothers--no matter what happens later, good or bad--is a lifetime loss that is all encompassing, while there is no real evidence that abortion leads to that kind of unending trauma. We do survive, but there are millions of us who gave up our children who live that unending trauma ever day. That is why up to 40 percent of us never have another child: the memory of the trauma we endured prevents us from taking that step ever again. I say this fully aware that the religious Evangelicals who are so vehemently opposed to abortion read here will beg to differ.
(So that we can find your comments more easily, why not choose the "Name/URL" choice when you comment in the future, then everyone can identify you more quickly from the list of other Anonymouses? Thank you.)
When I was in Highschool, my adoptive mom decided one of her favorite things to do was tell me she didn't want me anymore and that I should go live at my adoptive dad's house. She was also heavily drinking at the time. It was very triggering for me to be told this repeatedly, my dad finally stepped in and told my amom that he would indeed take custody were she to threaten me again. Another night of her drinking and she told me to leave. I was doing homework. When I went to put in my shoes and leave, my adoptive mother held me down and smacked me repeatedly, screaming at me. For no reason.
ReplyDeleteI was too scared to leave and dealt with her abuse.
Good thing she adopted me and gave me such a good life.
Why didn't any counselor want to save me from her?
"Happy Adoptee"
ReplyDeleteYou did not deserve that life.
I do hope you got out of there with your sanity intact.
You are right, Lorraine, I did not deserve that life and I did indeed manage to escape to college (what an eye opener) and beyond.
ReplyDeleteIt did take time to sort out what I actually did deserve and go get it.
I think I might write a book about it.
I will say it was very strange to be brought up in such verbal and physical abuse and be told 1.that is was normal...all in the name of discipline 2. I deserved it and 3.That I should be grateful because who knows what would have happened had "that woman" kept me and raised me.
Hindsight tells me had my mother kept me, we would have had a bit of a bumpy ride in the beginning sorting things out but I would have been ok with my first mom. She is after all the one with NO history of abusing children unlike the woman who "raised" me.
I know even as an adult, I feel safer with my mother.
A lot happened to me this summer, we have all had a great deal of epiphanies. I wish I could tell you about them.
Excellent letter Lorraine. As a fellow Canadian FM who wishes I would have fought with everything I had for the return of my daughter; once I KNEW it had been a terrible mistake and expressed my wishes for her return in the first several weeks, but was refused. I hope and pray that this mother and daughter are rightfully returned to one another--where they belong--together. Please let her know there are people out there praying for both of them.
ReplyDeleteHere is another Canadian situation where a mother wants to get her child back, although in this case the adoption has been finalized:
ReplyDeleteMom who gave up newborn while depressed fighting for her return
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/story/2013/09/11/mother-wants-daughter-back-after-adoption.html
It's the same case Lorraine wrote this blog post about, anon. No doubt about it.The facts all match.
ReplyDeleteSchool Counsellor:
ReplyDeleteYou say 'many times mothers are too young to handle the challenges and responsibilities'.
Then perhaps they need parenting classes to help them. Or other forms of sustained support, like mentoring by retired people who are experienced in parenting/grandparenting for example.
See, young mothers soon grow up. Given a little reliable help and support, they could improve.
Before we all came to live in our little nuclear families, help came from extended family, or from the neighbourhood, for example.
But in your view, if the mother is young and floundering, adoption is the answer. Despite the pain it causes people like my son.
Not help for the young mother. Adoption.
I dread to think what you are telling the young pregnant women who come to you for counselling.
Barb I understand we all have a opinion. I was abandoned along with my sister and 6 month old brother,left alone to take care of ourselves until we were picked up and put in foster care. Remained in foster care for 3 years as our parents could not decide to give us up or not. Finally she did a courageous thing for all three of us and we were adopted by 3 wonderful families. We all had great lives, careers and families. We recently reconnected with our siblings. Now for the negitive. Our bio parents were alcoholics. Two of us are recovering alcoholics, all three have been in therapy. Two of us still deal with the why did they give us away syndrome. It will always be there deal with it and we are. Morale of our story is everyone has their own story. Their is no definitive answer. You do the best you can with the cards you are dealt. Am I bitter, resentful or angry? No! I am now enjoying a relationship with my sister that was stripped litterly from my hand and we both have forgiven our biological parents to have joy in our hearts and will forever appreciate our adoptive family.
ReplyDeleteBarb I understand we all have a opinion. I was abandoned along with my sister and 6 month old brother,left alone to take care of ourselves until we were picked up and put in foster care. Remained in foster care for 3 years as our parents could not decide to give us up or not. Finally she did a courageous thing for all three of us and we were adopted by 3 wonderful families. We all had great lives, careers and families. We recently reconnected with our siblings. Now for the negitive. Our bio parents were alcoholics. Two of us are recovering alcoholics, all three have been in therapy. Two of us still deal with the why did they give us away syndrome. It will always be there deal with it and we are. Morale of our story is everyone has their own story. Their is no definitive answer. You do the best you can with the cards you are dealt. Am I bitter, resentful or angry? No! I am now enjoying a relationship with my sister that was stripped litterly from my hand and we both have forgiven our biological parents to have joy in our hearts and will forever appreciate our adoptive family.
ReplyDelete