Surrogacy today: The American Way?

Lorraine her daughter Jane, third meeting in 1982.

At a ladies lunch the other day: One woman, brought by a friend but unknown to the rest of us, describes how her gay friends had children. First, one of the partners had a child with a surrogate, a little girl. Origin of egg is uncertain at this point, but probably from a third party; I hesitate to ask. I don't want to be a part of this conversation but there I am, drinking iced tea.

My friends all know my status. One woman present has, in a moment of inebriated anger, called me a "reproductive agent," a phrase I am certain she got from the grandparents of children adopted from Russia, her close friends. I know, it's terrible,
but she has no recollection of every saying that--she denies it--and she is becoming somewhat senile and has been a good friend for some years, and done us many favors. I got over it. But I cannot forget it, of course. She says nothing during this discourse also, as does my neighbor, hosting the lunch.

The little girl, we hear, is adorable.

After a while, the partner of the girl wants to have "his own child," and goes forward with same plan. At this point I do ask where the eggs came from: answer: a college student, who is not the surrogate mother, who, I am assured, was paId plenty. Right...how much does that work out an hour? Or, does this not seem like exploitation of the poor? This I do not say.

During the "insertion" of the embryos, the doctor asks if he ought to implant a second, live embryo, just to be sure. Sure, is the answer from the father donor--in fact, why not put in all three?

All three take. Surrogate has triplets, all girls. I ask if the price for carrying triplets to term went up. The woman does not know. She saw the girls when they were just a few days old, in fact, held them, all weighed under four pounds at birth. The girls are delightful. The men have had to change their lives, of course, because now they are raising four daughters.

What I have a problem with is the possibly unknown parentage of one half of the so-created children of these three girls, and the unspsoken attitude that such a way to have children is fine and dandy. Yes, perhaps the guys do know who the mother/egg donor is, they know the young woman whose traits the girls will carry and dislplay throughout their lives. Perhaps they do not, it was done anonymously through a fertility clinic of some sort. I think I heard that they may have used the same egg donor, so the children are all maternal sisters, but at the point that came up I just wanted the conversation to end so did not question further. I could not bring myself ask the question--will the girls ever know the egg donor/mother?--or talk about the children of sperm donors who look on line for their biological fathers. I am relieved when the hostess changes the subject. What else is there to say, anyway? I have been talking about these issues for decades, and I have seen technology push the boundaries of what is ethical and reasonable in child creation.If biology makes so little difference--yet the man wanted to have his "own" children--how can we expect natural, biological parents to have their rights considered when it comes to cases likes, say, Veronica and her father, Dusten Brown?

This is life in America today. Or at least, this is my life. --lorraine
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EVERYBODY: First mother, adoptees and ADOPTIVE PARENTS:  Please take a moment and sign the petition in the right sidebar. I know, we have done petitions before, but at least it is something. Sign and ask your significant others, and friends and relatives. We need support. Sometimes I feel like I am knocking my head against a wall, but what is the alternative? So Sign and Pass It On, post on  your Facebook page, etc.  THERE IS STRENGTH IN NUMBERS. ASK THE GAY MARRIAGE ADVOCATES. 

From FMF:
'Baby Veronica' adoption will go forward 

Creating children without a full identity is a crime against humanity

READING
Lethal Secrets
"The psychology of donor insemination presents both problems and solutions. In the world of alternative means of conception, donor insemination is the parent procedure, the most available, successful and egalitarian. Breaking the bonds of silence and ending secrecy is necessary, the authors believe, to address the inherent psyhchological problems. As the world continues headlong down the road of high-tech procedures and methodologies, there is a need to maintain a strong sense of importance of the human element and historical, genetic connections."--Amazon  Written by our late friend, Annette Baran.