Should adoptees contact their siblings when first parents are reluctant?

Amy Dickinson

"Should I contact my siblings (or half siblings) even though my first mother wants to keep me a secret and hasn't told them about me?' "It's my right, to know them and their right to know isn't it?" Advice columnist Amy Dickinson (ASK AMY)  handled these questions deftly in two recent columns, showing understanding and sensitivity. Her response was a welcome change we must say from those self-designated experts--Joyce Brothers, Ann Landers, Drs. Drew, Phil, and Laura, and Marguerite Kelly with their cookie-cutter, birth-family-be-damned answers to all questions adoption.

An adoptee, identified as DQ, asked about contacting her full birth siblings. Her adoptive parents had told her that her first parents were married but gave her up because they didn't want children. After her adoptive parents' deaths, she found her first parents and learned they had had three more children after she was given up.
She believed these siblings do not know of her existence "because of the undertone of fear in my birth mother's letter."

Dickinson responds: "I do believe that these siblings have a 'right' to know they have another sibling out in the world, and I also believe that you have a right to know, or not know, these people if you choose." Dickinson goes on to suggest that DQ contact her birth parents and pose her question to them. She concludes "Obviously, there are some personal risks associated with this contact, but the rewards are potentially wonderful and affirmative for everyone."

WHEN FIRST PARENTS DON'T TELL
Dickinson doesn't offer advice on what DQ should do if her first parents oppose her contacting her siblings. We at FMF might have encouraged DQ to make contact anyway but since we don't know all the fact, we can't say she should.

Jane

Dickinson does not speculate on why the adoptive parents told DQ that her first parents did not want children. It's extremely likely that the adoption agency fabricated this in order to explain why a married couple would give up a baby. More likely, though, is that the first parents were young; when the mother found herself pregnant, older adults counseled against a shotgun marriage; and urged them to give up their baby up for adoption, finish school, get jobs, marry later--if at all. It's very likely also that the parents tried to break the couple up, but in the end did not succeed. Young parents who give up their baby and marry later are sad stories we've heard many times; from our experience, about twenty percent of first mothers marry the father and have more children with him. The parents of authors, Sarah Saffian and Emily Hipchen, the former president of the American Adoption Congress Eileen McQuade and her husband, and former New York Giants football coach Jim Fassel and his wife all married after giving up a child.

Another reader, "Long-Lost Sister," born from an extra-marital affair when her father was separated from his wife, asks about contacting her half siblings, the children of her father and his wife. She had tried to have a relationship with her father, "but it ended quite badly...mainly because he wanted to keep his contact with me hidden from his wife and children." Lost found her siblings on Facebook and thought "they should know about me, and I would like the opportunity to have them (but not their parents) in my life."

Dickinson points out that the siblings might not take kindly to the contact. "Until you make peace with your biological father's ample failings, you will not be able to complete this important family circle and forge new relationships.... Let your father know that you intend to contact your siblings. And then ask for his help. If he refuses, then you'll have another decision to make."

CONTACT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR FULFILLMENT
We agree with both answers, though we do not think that the question of contact should be categorized as a matter of right or obligation which suggest some kind of legal control. No one has a legal right or obligation to know anybody. A better better way to think of it is opportunity. DQ and Lost should manage the situation in a way that gives their siblings the opportunity to know them. Yes, this may mean contacting the siblings despite the secrecy of the first parents and their unwillingness to share the siblings because of their own embarrassment.

I didn't tell my raised daughters about their lost sister, Rebecca, until six weeks after Rebecca and I connected. A big wedding for one of my raised daughters was in the works, and learning about Rebecca in the middle of that would have been a huge upheaval, to say the least. I also needed time to feel comfortable that Rebecca and I would have an on-going relationship before I risked upsetting my raised daughters. I believe it would have set our relationship back months--even years--if Rebecca had jumped the gun and contacted my daughters before I told them.

Lorraine had a different situation in that her daughter's only siblings were the children of her father, who refused to meet her before he died. Three of the children were from her father's first marriage, when Lorraine's daughter was conceived, and whether they positively knew of their half-sibling was unknown. Even many years later, long after her father's death, Lorraine's daughter did not want to contact them, though she would have welcomed hearing from them. "I've had all the rejection I need," she said. Another sibling, a younger girl from a later marriage, was also never contacted, nor made any effort to contact Lorraine 's daughter. Her mother had once told Lorraine that she hoped the siblings would know each other, but that never occurred, and again, Lorraine's daughter chose not to reach out to her sibling. Physical distance undoubtedly played a part, as they lived several states apart. The woman's photograph is on line; she looks uncannily like Lorraine's daughter.

Who's to say what the right solution is? Though she might have relished meeting people similar to herself in appearance, personality, interests, and talents, Lorraine's daughter made her own decision, fearing rejection and not a desire to push past that. Everyone is different. If DQ in the letter above connects with siblings, it may prove to be a valuable and life-affirming experience, which is what some, such as author Richard Hill, found after he connected with siblings and cousins.

FINDING FAMILY OR FACING REJECTION? 
Siblings growing up without their missing kin may have a sense that something is amiss--perhaps their parents gave each other sad looks from time to time that seemed to have no explanation. All the siblings--those raised by the adoptive parents, and the one given up--would gain because they would have the opportunity to expand their circle of loved ones and relatives--which is the reception that Hill found when he located several siblings and cousins, as he searched for his biological parents. We've also heard from acquaintances whom we know outside of adoption circles that finding a long-lost sibling was a good thing. Shock of learning of his or her existence gave rise to acceptance and finally, a warm relationship.

As for contacting her siblings without her father's knowledge and tacit approval could result in their refusing contact. Both of Hill's parents were deceased when he found his siblings. The key to these situations is to do everything possible to maximize the chances that the lost sibling has the opportunity to know, and have a positive relationship, with his or her newly found siblings. No one ever said it would be easy.
_____________________________
SOURCES
Adoption disclosure reveals surprise siblings
Secret daughter wants to know siblings
Giants coach, wife appear with son given up for adoption

FROM FMF:
Oprah reveals she has half-sister; her mother was afraid to admit the secret
Telling my family about my first child--and then going public
Using DNA to Find Family: You Can't Have Too Much Family (FMF's review of Hill's book)

RELATED READING:
Finding Family: My Search for Roots and the Secrets in My DNA

"A man embarks on a nearly three-decade quest to find his biological family...Seamlessly and descriptively, he folds a decades-long process into a comprehensible narrative. His years of meticulous note taking translate into an inspiring story about his dedicated search for the truth. An engaging, page-turning memoir that thoughtfully puts together the pieces of a family puzzle."--Kirkus Reviews 

Ithaka: A Daughter's Memoir of Being Found ...an adoptee who was found by her birth family--both parents and three full siblings--was widely and favorably reviewed, and in 2006, published in a new edition with a current Afterword.

Coming Apart Together: Fragments from an Adoption 
   "....an imaginative exploration of what it may feel like to adopt a child, to be an adopted child, to give up a child for adoption, what it might be like to be another mother, to find other relatives, to have a strange adult show up on the doorstep one day, claiming kin. Though the plot creates interest, the real beauty of the text is its language and its capacity for conveying the difficult emotional paths of the birth parents, of their parents and grandparents, of the adoptive mother and father, and the adopted daughter at parting, in living apart, and in reunion." --Amazon