To stay in the closet, don't publicize being a 'maternal source'

Lorraine

There's always something. In this case, someone, who steps forward as we press for openness in adoption and unsealing original birth records that holds the identities of the adopted. Kathleen Hoy Foley is at it again, and yesterday's New York Daily News had a story about her sad plight of being "pursued" by her daughter, Elaine Penn of New Jersey, and how this is destroying Foley.

Foley claims she wants nothing to do with Elaine, was destroyed by being "found." However she is publicizing a book, or a second book, she is writing about her life and giving up a child for adoption who later is able to find out who she, Foley, is. If someone wants to stay out of the limelight, you would think that she would not write two books about it. The cover design of the first, Woman in Hiding, a True Tale of Back Door Abuse, Dark Secrets and Other Evil Deeds, is so putridity bad it is
laughable--reminiscent of horror art done by demented adolescents--and I imagine indicative of the verbiage inside. Certainly it is a good thing that the Daily News saw fit to use it because it announces that there is something amiss here. One could see Foley's pathetic attempts to garner sympathy as the fallout of the trauma of giving up a child, and the guilt she feels over that act. However, what come across is anything but sympathetic, but rather, sick.

WHAT TO CALL HER?
It's hard to even know what words to use in writing about this because Foley calls herself a "maternal source" or "biological source," rather than a birth/first mother. Elaine is trying to walk away from her "biological source's" false accusations that she has been stalked, etc., because they have never even met. Elaine was merely trying to find out who she--Elaine--was! The short story is that Elaine, without getting her name or identifying information from Catholic Charities, was able to find her mother, aka, Foley. Elaine spoke to a lawyer on a public deed related to Foley, and discovered he was Foley's son-in-law. Elaine has never even called Foley. However, Elaine says she has relationships with other members of her maternal family, who found her through Ancestry.com, and she also has a relationship with her paternal family, both of whom insist that what Foley writes is not true. Does Foley's family gather at Thanksgiving? But I digress.

You can read the details of the story at the Daily News site--Foley says she left the hospital and put the baby all behind her, but Elaine (in a comment) says that the record shows that she called the agency (Catholic Charities) over the six weeks following the birth for information, and did not sign the termination of parental rights paper before then. When she was seven months pregnant, according to the non-identifying information given Elaine, Foley was still considering keeping her baby.

One could argue that without more proof than "she said/she said," there is no way to know positively what is the truth, but the tell-tale clue that Foley is less than truthful is that she presents herself as an "adoptee," and that is what the story says. To the world, plainly stated like that, she is announcing that she herself was given up and grew up with genetic strangers. However, the reality is that Foley was raised by her natural mother and legally adopted by her step-father. An adoptee as the world knows the meaning of the word? Hardly.

ADOPTION IN THE PUBLIC EYE
But the story of course stirs the pot about adoption and, as we know, adoption stories capture the public eye. They are rife in the media, in novels, in mythology (think of the twisted story of Oedipus), the movies. As I write there were 393 comment at the Daily News site. Many were sympathetic to Foley, some to Elaine, but a great many were from people  who haven't a clue about what being adopted means, the grief that closed records cause both adoptees and MANY MANY first mothers who want nothing more than to find out who their children are, who they became, and have a relationship with them. Is it worth commenting at the site? I did twice, I admit, because something irritated me and I felt the readers of the comments needed to hear from first mothers who do not share Ms. Foley's mind set.

Foley herself did not testify a few years ago when New Jersey was considering changing its laws and giving adoptees the right to their own birth certificates. She sent her husband instead. But it's doubtful she can hurt the movement for reform, as she just comes across as unstable and weird. Conversely, the Elaine Penn we know is together and healthy.--lorraine

To Clarify, from Pricilla  Sharp:

1. Foley had a 1-1/2 year dating relationship with her boyfriend, Penn's father. He thought they were getting married and was stunned when Foley's mother slammed the door in his face.
2. The father's family tried to stop the adoption and wanted to take the baby (Penn) home with them. They were thwarted in their efforts by Catholic Social Services (CSS) and Foley's family who insisted the baby be adopted. Because they were not married, the father had no legal rights.
3. Penn's "non-identifying information report" from CSS contains nothing about any "rape" allegation and, in fact, is replete with touching details of how mother wanted to keep her baby and hesitated for several months signing the relinquishment papers. Thus, she had no warning or reason to think her mother would not want to be contacted.
4. Penn contacted Foley ONCE 15 years ago through the family attorney and NEVER again. She has kept Foley's privacy and silently endured Foley's abusive attacks ever since.

________________
SOURCES
N.J. woman relives painful past after child she gave up for adoption reaches out
Lawsuit fans flames of N.J. debate on adoption privacy
 
From FMF
The Wacky Website of a Woman in Hiding (from her daughter)
How giving up a child affects you in the long-term
How shame keeps birth mothers from embracing reunion
Why first mothers walk away from their children after reunion

Suggested Reading from another first mother
Without a Map: A Memoir
 A fantastic book, a wonderful, moving read.--Lorraine

"Meredith Hall's memoir begins in 1965, when she becomes pregnant at sixteen. Shunned by her insular New Hampshire community, she is then kicked out of the house by her mother. Her father and stepmother reluctantly take her in, hiding her before they finally banish her altogether. After giving her baby up for adoption, Hall wanders recklessly through the Middle East, where she survives by selling her possessions and finally her blood. She returns to New England and stitches together a life that encircles her silenced and invisible grief. When he is twenty-one, her lost son finds her. Hall learns that he grew up in gritty poverty with an abusive father—in her own father's hometown. Their reunion is tender, turbulent, and ultimately redemptive. Hall's parents never ask for her forgiveness, yet as they age, she offers them her love. What sets Without a Map apart is the way in which loss and betrayal evolve into compassion, and compassion into wisdom."--Amazon  

EPenn17 hours ago

Foley outed me long before that in an article in the Newark Star Ledger. I have never gone to the press, they have come to me. She put herself in front of CBS News, in the Philadelphia papers and wrote a book.

My bio-father thought they were getting married. He and my paternal grandmother tried to keep me, but he had no rights.

Catholic Charities did NOT give me any information. I have repeated this and she continues to lie. I can't even go into all of her lies.

Her family keeps in touch with me. They all have my number and THEY call me.

My paternal family keeps in touch with me also.

Foley has never gotten any kind of restraining order, etc. because there was nothing to restrain against. I have never gone to her house, never called her. AND, someone in her family found ME through ancestry dot com. Her family has assured me that her book is packed with lies. They totally refute what she said about her adoptive father. Her adoptive father was a jokester that pulled pranks on all the kids.

Foley said she left the hospital and thought it was over "B*LLS**T". My non-identifying info has her calling the agency inquirying about me over 6 weeks after birth. She would not even sign the papers before then. At 7 months pregnant, she was still considering keeping me.

I don't have the energy nor the infinite amount of time to contradict every lie. This newspaper contacted ME. I did not call them. Foley directed them TO me. She is using me for controversy to sell her book. I am merely a way to get controversy and make sales. She is as cold as they come. Thank God she's a rarity. I would LOVE it if somehow she wasn't my maternal source. But I would never wish her mean-ness on anyone else