Navigating the first meeting between birth mother and child

Jane

Jane and her surrendered daughter, Rebecca, connected soon after Rebecca's 31^st birthday in November, 1997. They corresponded via email and telephone and agreed to meet over the Martin Luther King holiday in January, 1998. At the time, Jane lived in Salem, Oregon and Rebecca in suburban Chicago. It seemed best that Jane come to Rebecca's home because, with a husband and three young children, it would be difficult for her to get away.

Jane was slow to exit the plane when it landed at O’Hare, her heart racing; her breathing labored, her legs unwilling to move. The crowd had cleared by the time Jane stepped into the waiting area. This was before the 9/11 security precautions when people meeting arriving passengers could still come to the gate. She searched for a familiar face although she did not know what Rebecca looked like; they had not exchanged photographs.

Jane made eye contact with a young woman on her left but there was no hint of recognition. Then she saw another woman, standing back, holding her hand to her mouth and knew it was her—the baby, the girl, the women—of her imagination. Jane wrapped an arm around her and said “You’re even more beautiful than I thought you’d be.” The woman--Rebecca--pulled back, uncomfortable with the intimacy.

Thus began the first of many meetings. The most recent was a few weeks ago when both embraced.

Based on Jane's and Lorraine's experiences and that of others they've met and read about, here are our suggestions for a positive beginning to a good reunion:

GO IT ALONE

When Jane began planning for the meeting, a good friend asked to come along, perhaps for support, perhaps out of curiosity. Fortunately a wise first mother on alt.adoption cautioned Jane to go alone--don't bring a stranger, no matter how close a friend--and thankfully Jane took her advice. I’ve since heard many stories where adoptees resenting having others around. While you may want your child to know your husband, your other children, your mother, your friends, your child will likely only want to know you--especially at the beginning. A mother and child reunion is just that: two people once bonded by birth, together again and at last. It should be intimate; it should be just the two of you.

Lorraine also went alone to meet her daughter, on her daughter's turf, a must as she was going to meet a 15-year-old that she, Lorraine, had searched for and found. Because her daughter, also named Jane--we'll call her Jane Ann here to avoid confusion--was underage at the time, Lorraine first spoke to her adoptive mother on the telephone, she put "their" daughter on the phone, and Lorraine was on a plane a few days later to meet her and her family in Wisconsin. Lorraine too got off the plane last. You know this meeting is going to be a life-changing event, and although it is much desired, inchoate fear sets in as you take those final steps in the old life of unknowingness. What will the future hold? Will she/he like me? What emotions can "my baby" be feeling? This is actually happening....But she's not a baby now she is.... As the roller coaster that is your heart approaches the top of the first drop, anticipation, fear, excitement all meld there, the car keeps climbing to the the top, moving to that moment when you reach the top and the crazy out-of-control wild ride down begins. That's when you see her face.

Lorraine

Lorraine had no trouble spotting her, or her Lorraine. Her huge smile was a neon welcome sign. Lorraine hugged her close; her daughter kept her hands firmly planted in the back pockets of her jeans. As her father was there, both of them were keenly aware of being observed. She told Lorraine later she wanted to hug her, but did not want to display any affection with her dad watching. It's not that he or her adoptive mother were against this reunion--they could have said no, Lorraine was going to be staying at their house for the weekend--but Jane Ann (Ann, her middle name) did not want to seem disloyal to the only parents she had known all her conscious life.

KEEP THE REUNION PRIVATE
Lorraine did not have to meet anyone that first weekend other than her daughter's immediate family of father, mother, three brothers, one adopted and older than Jane Ann by a few years. After meeting Lorraine once, he disappeared the rest of the weekend; he must have stayed at a friend's house by design (his mother hadn't come looking for him, after all) or came in late and went out early.

Unless it cannot be helped because of your child's age, ask him or her not to have anyone else present at the first meeting. One birth mother got off the plane overjoyed at the prospect of meeting her daughter and was met by both her daughter's adoptive mother and step mother (the adoptive parents had divorced and the adoptive father had remarried) as well as her daughter. These women took over the meeting and the birth mother found herself trying to look good to them, rather than getting to know her daughter.

However, if the adoptee wishes to bring a spouse, or a sibling along, or anyone for support, going along with that is recommended--even if it is the adoptive mother as above. The adopted individual didn't have a say about whether or not he wanted to be adopted, and so let him have his way with the reunion. The birth mother may wish for privacy, but it doesn't always work that way. Yet if you ask for the meeting to be just between the two of you, that may be the opening that the adopted individual is hoping for, allowing him to tell others to let this meeting be private at your request, not hers. Lots of adoptees have a hard time asserting themselves with their adoptive parents; they have spent their lives trying to please their parents in a way that the non-adopted do not.

When meeting a minor, as Lorraine did, assume that at least one adoptive parent will be present. Focus on your shared child, especially in the first few moments, she is expecting you to, and the adoptive parent, or parents, present will be checking out how you react and what you say. While Lorraine and her daughter were both aware of the adoptive father's presence, Lorraine feels it was a blessing for both her and Jane Ann that her mother had made the choice to stay home and meet Lorraine there. Her father, after all, wasn't filling the same role that the mother was.

Public reunions covered by the media will add to the awareness of having to be "on" and doing the right thing, which, indeed, may come naturally. Television shows have been based on the premise of search-and-reunion, and such media help may be the only way some people will be able to find each other. While some may feel uncomfortable with cameras rolling, such public reunions do benefit others: They encourage people who have been thinking about searching to do so. They also help dispel the myth that adopted individuals fit seamlessly into their new families, and that birth mothers forget and get on with their lives. ALMA's office used to be flooded with calls after televised reunions on talk shows in the Eighties, and that most certainly continues today in other venues.

If the first meeting isn't taking place at an airport, consider a neutral place such as a hotel lobby or hotel room, a restaurant, a park, a coffee shop or a bar, giving you a chance to talk without distractions or prying eyes. (Strangers don't count; they don't know what they are witnessing.) After dinner at a Chinese restaurant, Rebecca and Jane went to the bed and breakfast where Jane was staying. Although their  conversation was intermittent and awkward, neither had to worry about what others were thinking. Some mothers and their children talk for hours.

Because Lorraine was staying for the weekend at the home of her daughter's adoptive family, and younger brothers were around, getting time alone was difficult. Jane's adoptive mother sent Lorraine and Jane Ann out for a walk together to let that happen, but it was freezing cold that last November weekend in Madison, and they were back in 20 minutes. Because of her epilepsy, Jane Ann was heavily medicated at the time, and while she did not seem dull, she was not brimming over with conversation. At 15, having her familiar family around did not seem like a bad thing--for Lorraine too. Their presence seemed to smooth over any awkwardness, and the adoptive parents were eager for Jane Ann to get the boost of self-confidence she needed that they hoped meeting her other mother would give Jane Ann. Epilepsy is so very difficult emotionally for the person having the seizures.  Jane Ann gave Lorraine her bedroom for the stay.

KEEP THE VISIT SHORT

More than a few days for the first meeting is probably too long. There’s only so much you can say, and both you and the adoptee are going through emotional turmoil that is likely to be exhausting and overwhelming--the roller coaster ride continues, up and down, hang on, we're heading into a curve. Count on being tired, but you still may have trouble sleeping that first night. Over the next day or two, try to find things to do that you both enjoy--going to a play, a concert or a baseball game will give you a shared memory, a touchstone for the future. You are now building your "together" memories. If the adoptee has to come a long way to visit you, he may well indeed want to do sight-seeing; encourage him or her set the agenda. Three days is a good length of time before either of you reach emotional exhaustion; a week is a long time--for both of you.

DON'T PILE ON THE PHOTOS

It’s tempting to bring lots of photos to the first meeting--many mothers and children have already shared pictures via email—but don’t expect instant recognition or acceptance. On the first evening Jane and her daughter met, Jane took out a photo album with carefully selected pictures of her husband, her three other daughters, her mother, siblings, and Rebecca’s cousins. “Here’s me, my mother, and my two oldest daughters at a family reunion,” I said, and “here’s me and two of my sisters when we were in Girl Scouts back in the Fifties.”

Jane expected that Rebecca would be pleased to see people who looked like her. She remembered reading in Florence Fisher’s The Search for Anna Fisher how seeing no familiar faces in family photos made her realize she was an outsider, and how excited she was when her son was born to know someone who looked like her. She went through the pictures slowly, waiting for Rebecca to acknowledge the similarities between herself and her relatives, which seemed so obvious to Jane. When Rebecca didn’t say much, however, Jane asked her what she thought. “They look like strangers,” Rebecca said.

To your found son or daughter, your extended family doesn't consist of Uncle Tom or Cousin Bill. They are all strangers; whether they look like him or not, she already has uncles and cousins. Take this slow; don't force extended family on your found son or daughter, remember that your family consists of strangers to this person. And she already has a family she knows.

The next day, at her home, Rebecca showed Jane her carefully constructed album. Jane was curious about her adoptive family and wanted to see the pictures but at the same time she found them disturbing. Her daughter was with strangers, usurpers as Jane thought of them, in group photos acting as if they were a family. This was wrong; her daughter should not be in these pictures with these people. Jane became acutely aware that Rebecca's life had gone on without her, that Rebecca had not in some fantastical way been frozen once she left Jane's arms as a newborn until they connected 31 years later. Jane realized how much she had missed in Rebecca's growing up and, most disturbing of all, that she had been replaced. Lorraine's reaction to Jane Ann's family photos of her growing up was much the same: this is what was missed. Lorraine took almost no photos with her, a good thing. Be polite, but don't spend a lot of time on photos of past events and other people. A few photos are fine, but keep the albums for later--if ever.
--Jane and lorraine
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Wednesday: Meeting Friends and Family, and more on how to handle a reunion.
 See later post:

Part two: Navigating the first meeting between birth mother and child

Both Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self and The Adoption Reader: Birth Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, and Adopted Daughters Tell Their Stories are excellent books that may help first mothers and fathers understand more about their daughters and sons during reunion. Being Adopted was written by a psychologist and adoptive father, and a psychiatrist married to an adoptee. The Adoption Reader is a collection of excellent revealing essays by birth mothers, adoptees, and adoptive mothers, exploring all aspects of adoption.

THE SEARCH FOR ANNA FISHER
is one of the first books about search, written by Florence Fisher, one of the pioneers of the adoption-reform movement and the founder of the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA). This photo of the jacket is taken from the hardcover (currently unavailable it says at Amazon) but it will take  you to the order page for a paperback version, of which there is no photo.

Click on the jacket photos or the red print to order.