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| Lorraine |
Or some other really not pleasant circumstance? If you don't exactly know who the father is?
Adoptees may be reluctant to bring up the question of conception because it is so personal, and too much information is not what they are looking for. But they are going to want to know the how. If you the natural mother was in a relationship--as both Jane and I were--more specifics are unnecessary. People in a relationship are known to consummate their love. They have sex.
For many, that is enough information. As Jane said in the previous post, some of us were aware that the timing for conception was favorable, or we misunderstood the system, and counted the days from the wrong date. Everyone of our generation knows that the fabled Rhythm Method was notoriously faulty, and the days when a woman is fertile, while it can be calculated generally, vary from woman to woman. Thus women today who want to get pregnant take their temperature, et cetera.
HOW MUCH DO YOU TELL?
But what of the unpleasant truths that may emerge? How much do you tell, what do you tell? Because I am naturally curious, I imagine that every reunited adoptee wants to know at least the basic details of your relationship with her/his father--even if they are gun shy about asking. They may be more questions if it was a one-night stand, a casual affair, a drunken encounter, a sexual assault. A great many adoptees grow up with many unanswered questions and the sense they are not supposed to ask. How many times have we heard that adoptive parents don't bring up anything connected with adoption because the adoptee says nothing, yet the adoptee is burning with curiosity but sense asking about it will hurt their adoptive parents' feelings? So silence rules.
Consequently, many adoptees arrive at our doorsteps with the same feelings--don't ask, don't admit to curiosity, don't upset anyone--and as best we--their natural mothers--must help them get past that. We must accept them--no matter what age--as our children.
What is important is that when discussing any of this, you the mother find a way to maintain your cool, even if cool is the last thing you feel. I don't mean you have to gulp everything down until you feel as if you have a baseball in your throat. Sadness, even a few tears, are okay, but you don't want to put your feelings onto your son or daughter and make them now feel responsible for taking care of you. They may have been tending to their adoptive parents' sometimes fragile egos, and the last thing they need is another burden. They come to us, at no matter what age, as our children; we must be the strong ones, the resilient ones, and comfort them, not the other way around.
Thus descending into a blubbering mess when talking about the father and conception is likely to throw them off balance, and cause them to feel that they, in the flesh, are the reason for more distress. Instead of the event turning into a joyful reunion, they may head for the hills, not wanting yet another emotional responsibility of a weepy, delicate mother on their minds.How to get past any reticence about any questions they have, you might ask if you have answered everything they want to know. You might ask if they have any other questions. If it still feels like there is a big unspoken elephant in the room--and you know what it is--you could broach the subject yourself. Obviously, a very detailed explanation of "the night" (if you know exactly when it occurred) is not necessary. Even in this situation, TMI (too much information) figures in. Use your head. How much did you want to know about your own parents' sex life? Not much, I suspect.
WHEN TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE
If the pregnancy did result from a sexual assault--that maybe you didn't quite recognize it as such at the time, you knew the guy, he was your boyfriend, whatever--tell the truth. If there was a gang rape involved--shit happens--tell that also. If the man was prosecuted, tell that too. If he wasn't, tell why and do your best to explain how different the times were. But understand that your son or daughter is dealing with this information for the first time. Be as neutral as possible in telling the facts. When you feel like lashing out, hold your tongue; no name-calling, no giving vent to what you wish would happen to him. No matter the circumstances, this is your child's father you are talking about. Your child is already filling in the details herself. Calling the father "that bastard" is not helpful. No matter what, that puts your child in the position of being defensive about the man, and will color your relationship. Remember that no matter what you say, your child may seek him out and have a relationship with him and his family, including siblings. Don't say anything now that will make life more difficult for your son or daughter, or make it awkward for the two of you going forward.
If you never told the father than you and he had a child, say so. You may be asked why, and so be ready to answer that also. If you don't know who the father is, say so. Don't invent a father. Yeah, this is going to be difficult, but it will save much grief down the road and relieve you of the burden of keeping this secret. Secrets cripple us. Secrets hurt the one who must hold the secret. Secrets can kill us.
Told with compassion and love, people are usually able to handle the truth, no matter how difficult it seems at the time. If you start crying--and you might--keep it under control while you are with your child. You don't have to have a huge lump in your throat about this for the rest of your life, and it may be that you let go of the bucket of tears later when you are alone or with someone understanding--a sister, a good friend, your partner, your husband, a sympathetic therapist.A SECRET CAN KILL
We have heard of therapists who caution against telling the full truth to the reunited son or daughter, but this leaves the burden of the secret with you and will color your relationship with your child going forward--for you are always hiding something. And it will constantly be on your mind when you are together. It's likely to cause you more grief and make you unable to move forward with a relationship.
What can cause problems is hiding the reality, and not revealing your feelings or distorting reality to put yourself in a better light--but always be aware of your child's feelings. They may be adult in every way, but this discussion is primal, you are going to the core of their being, and feelings are emerging in them they are not likely to suspect and will catch them unaware. They are coming undone too. No matter the circumstances, be honest but be gentle. And do your best to be as neutral about the father as possible--no matter if you have to go over the painful circumstance that led to conception.
Nothing about reunion is easy, and talking about this may be the most difficult part of all, but being honest and straight-forward at the beginning is the best way to get off to a good start. Hang on, it's probably going to be a bumpy road ahead.--lorraine
___________________________
YESTERDAY'S POST FROM JANE
Telling your child about her/his conception
TO READ
A Life Let Go: A Memoir and Five Birth Mother Stories of Closed Adoption
By Patricia Florin
"A Life Let Go invites us into the amazing transformation possible when the trauma of giving up a baby is healed through love, honesty and courage in this heart rending, inspiring true story of a pregnant teen hiding in the house, frozen and blind to all possibility beyond invisibility, as a baby grew in the dark and a mother weds herself to shame.... I highly recommend these stories of women who have given up their babies due to social mores, family pressure, or emotional and financial limitations....This intimate confessional inspires compassion and deep healing." Becky Hale, psychotherapist, at Amazon
Author P.J. Florin ran a support group in the Austin area for eleven years. She lost her daughter to adoption in 1972. She has just released this book after many years.
Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption
By Lorraine Dusky
"I believe the world needs to know how it feels for a mother to lose a child in this manner. Death is horrible and
THANK YOU FOR ORDERING ANYTHING THROUGH AMAZON. CLICK ON THE LINKS ABOVE, OR THE SIDEBAR. WE APPRECIATE YOUR DOING SO.
YESTERDAY'S POST FROM JANE
Telling your child about her/his conception
TO READ
A Life Let Go: A Memoir and Five Birth Mother Stories of Closed Adoption
By Patricia Florin
"A Life Let Go invites us into the amazing transformation possible when the trauma of giving up a baby is healed through love, honesty and courage in this heart rending, inspiring true story of a pregnant teen hiding in the house, frozen and blind to all possibility beyond invisibility, as a baby grew in the dark and a mother weds herself to shame.... I highly recommend these stories of women who have given up their babies due to social mores, family pressure, or emotional and financial limitations....This intimate confessional inspires compassion and deep healing." Becky Hale, psychotherapist, at Amazon
Author P.J. Florin ran a support group in the Austin area for eleven years. She lost her daughter to adoption in 1972. She has just released this book after many years.
Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption
By Lorraine Dusky
"It took me longer than I usually take to finish this book, it is too real and close to my heart. It is a raw and honest
memoir by a woman who surrendered her daughter to adoption and lived to tell of it. I come from the opposite
side of adoption, my daughter is my husband's natural niece whom we adopted at age 6 when her mother could
not care for her. I am in awe of Lorraine's writing but even more so, her ability to lay out her heart rending story
in a manner that does not allow the reader to come away unchanged.
"I believe the world needs to know how it feels for a mother to lose a child in this manner. Death is horrible and
contrary to what people say, it does not heal in time. Adoption loss has pain but also adds another layer of not
knowing where your child is and if they are living a happy and healthy life. The longing and need to know does
not heal. Reunion is relief but does not make the missing years disappear nor, as in this story, does it always go
as well as one hopes. A mother is always a mother whether she raises her child or not."--
at Amazon, August 6.
Obviously our stories are coming out.at Amazon, August 6.
THANK YOU FOR ORDERING ANYTHING THROUGH AMAZON. CLICK ON THE LINKS ABOVE, OR THE SIDEBAR. WE APPRECIATE YOUR DOING SO.
Lorraine, I did come and read this next post, and there is some good advice here about a very difficult subject, a child conceived in rape, that luckily most of us do not have to deal with, For those who do, they have extra trauma added on to the trauma of surrender, and are as much victims as their children. Theirs is an extra-hard road to walk.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I would give rape victims some leeway on is their attitude and anger towards the father. I do not think it is their duty to shield the adopted adult from that, and while nobody should rant on and on, I think it would be difficult and dishonest not to express some anger and even hatred at the rapist. Although biologically that man is a sperm donor, he is not worthy of the name "father. The deep ambivalence that is present in a pregnancy conceived in rape is a hard legacy for both the adoptee and the mother to work through, each in their own way, and neither can do it for the other.
As far as explaining the unplanned nature of any pregnancy, I would refer the younger person who wants to know why mom in the 50s and 60s did not plan better, the fact is that few pregnancies, in marriage or not, were "planned" in the way they are now. People just had sex and sometimes pregnancy happened, and they dealt with it. The concept of planning pregnancies is a fairly new one for the vast majority of people, and it changed very quickly.
What I said was that mothers should do their best to not express their anger at the person who perpetuated the assault. But I wholeheartedly disagree with expressing hatred. Tell the facts. The child listening will understand how a person was hurt, how they must feel. No matter what, some children will end up having a relationship with the father, and one's expressed feelings about him will cause a rift in the relationship with the child. He or she will feel caught between a rock and a hard place and will gravitate, all other things being equal, to the one who is not knocking the other parent.Express hatred at great risk.
DeleteAll that is so, but I think it is important to state your position clearly from the start, and it is OK to express hatred, if it is done in measured terms, and in the context of why the hatred is there.
DeleteAlso it's important to note that men who harm women are capable of lying or omitting information that will not make them look good. I am actually lucky that my younger son found his birth father first; he found me about six months later.
His father was charming, humorous and a colorful character, as always. He told my son that I "ran off with" another man (which was not true, there was no other man.). He omitted to mention that he beat me very badly to punish me for leaving him, during the first child-visitation visit, requiring medical treatment at the hospital for me; he served 3 days in jail for the beating.. He also burned down our home and threatened to kill me, both during our marriage and during the divorce, and of course refused to pay any child support or any of the bills we owed since he "didn't want the divorce," and simply left the state.
He told my son when he tried to visit his kids, "your mother called the police," without saying anything further.
I related to my son what actually happened, who said something like "oh, now it all makes sense," and he mentioned the fact that his father basically had nothing much else to say about that time. I also told my son that although I have the right to hate his father, he should have a relationship with his father if he wants to.
Mothers, keep it as unemotional as you can, but do relate the history and the facts. Make sure to protect yourself, you don't know what is being said about you, and it may be manipulative and untrue. Don't give the man who attacked or raped, or abused you, the benefit of the doubt, to tell the truth.
Well said, New and Old.
Deletenew and old wrote:" I also told my son that although I have the right to hate his father, he should have a relationship with his father if he wants to." Exactly. There are situations of extreme abuse like this one where the mother cannot hide or gloss over what happened to her, but that does not mean that the adoptee is not free to have a relationship with the father and form his own opinions of the man. Also. the child is always an innocent and hating the father does not mean hating or blaming the child. The child is not a clone of his father or his mother, but a separate person to be valued on his own merit and uniqueness.
DeleteAt the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own feelings. Yes it is VERY important be sensitive to your adult adopted child conceived through rape, but you must be sensitive to yourself too. OF course your adult child is going to know you feel deeply upset about being raped, they would have to be made of lead to not consider that. But being as open factually as you can and letting your adult child know that it is ok to ask some questions, or for them to feel guilty even though it is not their fault. Try to be as open as possible and give everything lots of time. Also if it causes you too much pain to speak about the rape SAY IT!!!! Explain that down the line when you are feeling more capable that you will speak about it more and that you will let them know when you are...stick to your words, develop honest communication no matter how painful the subject. I find emotional release techniques like the Sedona method and the Larry Cranes release technique REALLY helpful. THey stabilise you before interaction so you are acting from your heart and not repressed emotions
DeleteI can't really speak to this, as my child was the result of a loving relationship with his father.
ReplyDeleteBUT - if I had gotten pregnant as the result of a particularly violent and brutal rape, I do not think I would be able to conceal my feelings about the guy, no matter how hard I'd try. I really doubt I would be able to be neutral, and I can't think that would be a good way to be. It would be almost like giving him a pass to be a daddy, and that wouldn't be good for my child.
Of course it would be up to the child who is now an adult to make that decision, but still . . .
I am not advocating hatred of the rapist, but can imagine how a woman who was raped might feel that way. Lorraine, how would you feel if you had become pregnant from the rape you suffered, and had to carry that baby to term? I've never been raped so can only speculate, but it seems to me the rules are different when you are dealing with a child conceived in rape, and especially if it were a violent rape, even more so a rape by a stranger or acquaintance you had no relationship with. It is not the same as badmouthing your ex whom you loved at one time but who "done you wrong", or even someone who was ok but you did not want to have a child with or spend your life with. Those situations are analogous to divorce; rape is different.
ReplyDeleteWe all know there are ambiguous situations that the woman may perceive as a rape, and the man may remember as in some way consensual sex. The movie "Rashomon"(sp?) shows many different perceptions of the same rape, including those of the victim and rapist. With increasing awareness of sexual abuse today that did not exist in earlier years, some mothers can begin to see what happened to them as rape even though they did not think that at the time. Despite political correctness, there are still some very murky areas of perception about intimate relations between men and women. In these instances, I could see the adoptee wanting to hear the other side of the story, and perhaps sympathizing with the father and liking his version of events better. For mothers in that situation, you are right and it would be a risk to express hatred, or to insist theirs was the only truth.
I feel it is asking too much of a mother to expect that she accept her child wanting and pursuing a relationship with a violent rapist, prosecuted or not, and to speak no ill of such a monster. Not speaking of an ambiguous forcing of sex by a long-term frustrated boyfriend here, but a rape by a person the woman had no romantic connection to, did not know or know well, was not attracted to, and who used violence and threats of violence to have his way. All rape is wrong, no means no, no matter whom the woman says it to including a husband. I do believe that as a woman. But when dealing with a child who came out of such an awful event, I do think context matters and mothers do have a right to express anger and disgust, if not hatred, of their abuser.
What do you really think you need to add after you say: He raped me?
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I have never been in that situation. I think we need some mothers pregnant from rape and some adoptees who are the result of rape to comment from personal experience. I would imagine that after hearing "He raped me" the adoptee might still have questions, the conversation would continue further, and it would be painful for both. It would not be the same conversation that would ensue from a broken relationship that once involved love or at least some attraction.
DeleteI am not saying the conversation would end with that statement; I am saying that then calling the man the names you might be saying in your head are best left unsaid.
DeleteI agree
DeleteI am getting sick of the Republican candidates talk about how they would choose life. I just heard Rubio say that it would be a difficult decision for a 15-year-old, but he would choose life. Well, fuck, as a 15-old, he wouldn't be pregnant and suffer the lifelong consequences that are documented. He is throwing away the 15-year-old's chance at normalcy. this is why I wrote Hole In My Heart. To change perceptions like his.
ReplyDeleteAn introduction: I am a reunited adult adoptee who spent 5 years looking for the woman who gave birth to me and my twin sister.In finally making a decision to finally search (), the decision had brought up several questions in its infancy....one being and not nearly as uncommon as one might suspect, my adoptive parents had passed on, simply this: Had my twin sister and me been a product of rape ? I poured over this question the most. " What indescribable trauma had my bmom endured had this been the case ? How would she react to being found by me ? Would I face the wrath of an unhealed woman who may very well have nothing but for contempt for me if I was to contact her under these conditions." I convinced myself that regardless of the circumstance, that we ( my twin and me) were innocent in all of this and that hopefully anyone would be able to separate the issues of a violent offence and the birth of two innocent babies and reason that the 3 of of us were all innocent in an otherwise unimaginable scenario. As it turned out, we were not a consequence of Rape !...in fact, anything but ! Still, the question haunted me for a long time and I knew eventually one day that I, through my volunteer work with an adoptee/bmom/sibling support group ( Parent Finders Nova Scotia) would face someone's story of Rape. Her name was Pauline, a bmom, who had suffered sexual torture/ sadistic abuse at the hands of her babysitter uncle from the time that she was 5 years old. ( Gasp here...please ! ). Pauline came to our group when she was in her forties and it took her 3 meetings before she would ever open her mouth about the horrific life that she had endured. By the time Pauline was 16, she had given birth to 2 sons fathered by her uncle. 25 years later she came to a Parent finders meeting and after the 3rd meeting, I asked her why she had come and not been able to say anything. I was concerned, saddened and felt that someone had to make an approach. Pauline told me her story...bare bones and all. My heart sank and I was so deeply humbled by her honesty and bravado. She kept her first son but the second, as Pauline was led to believe, had died shortly after childbirth. ( Pauline was 16 at the time). The 'Uncle' was kicked out of the family home never to be seen again....until 29 years later when an most unfortunate per chance encounter was experienced between Pauline and her Uncle in a small corner store. A man, with a familiar cough, sent Pauline racing out of the store and into an attempted suicide. She knew the voice ! After counselling, Pauline approached the Police and launched a complaint against her perpetrator Uncle...30 years after the fact. Long story short...he was tried and convicted and spent the rest of his life in jail.It was Pauline who looked me straight into my eyes and said 'Mike...my boys were innocent through all of this. At the trial, it was only then that Pauline discovered that her second son had not died as previously led to believe but was adopted. This is why Pauline came to Parent Finders. We found her 2nd son living on the west coast of Canada. The Engineering company that I was working for payed for his trip to come to the east coast to reunite with Pauline.Her son had also been abused by his family......and so much healing had to be done. Pauline wrote a book about it all called " Silent Cries"....it is about overcoming the most horrendous of obstacles and a realization that there are 2 completely separate issues to do with the the birth of an innocent baby and the events leading up to conception. Pauline and her son's reunion made national news !
ReplyDeleteWhoa! what an awful story, and thank god Pauline was able to find you and your group--and your company to pay for him to come east to meet his mother.
DeleteAs for the first part of your post, I would imagine,that since most adoptees have no information, many of them let their minds run to the worst scenario, even though it is unlikely. Until I found my daughter, I imagined the worst could be her story too.
I think, as an adoptee, hearing such rage and hated about my biological father deserved or not, could color the reunion with the biological mother. Remember, it takes two to make a baby, so half the DNA that went into the baby comes from the male. I think it would be hard to hear, especially if anyone in the reunion firmly believes that genes make us and nothing else. I was raked over the coals for stating that I believe that I am more than the sum of sperm and egg. If a mother who firmly believes that the surrendered child is really just a combination of DNA, then if she (rightly) expresses the anger, rage, humiliation and shame at being raped, she could be telling her surrendered but now in reunion child that half of his or her genes are bad and that in essence, she hates half the child. That could be a bitter pill to swallow. So I agree with Lorraine. Stating "I was raped" and leaving it at that gives the requested information without the baggage. There's enough baggage in reunions.
ReplyDeleteDon't really have anything to add except I had a birthmom friend who gave up a son conceived during a gang rape at a party back in the late 70's. She still loved her son immensely, and went through the same pain I did surrounding relinquishing and all it's issues. The son was aware of it, but I'm not sure what his reaction had been after she told him. I do remember my friend saying the adoptive mom didn't want her to tell him how he was conceived...wanted her to lie about his (birth)father. She told him the truth.
ReplyDeleteSomething that has me curious though and it's a bit off topic, do parents of an adopted child who was conceived in rape STILL feel it was "God's will" or part of "God's divine plan"?? Just wonderin'
I guess it would depend, Just Curious.
DeleteMy guess is that a few might but that most wouldn't. Adoptive parents, like first parents, are a mixed bag.
There is one well known first mother on the internet who has said that her daughter's a-mother outright told her that her rape was God's will so that she (the a-mom) could become a mother.
DeleteThis first mother never even wanted to give up her child to begin with, and the a-parents knew that. She was young and the a-parents manipulated and tricked her.
The sense of entitlement is astounding.
Awful. But like I said, Steve.
DeleteOff topic, but I had to share. I saw on Facebook that Jake Strickland lost his case at the Supreme Court. He is the Utah father of the baby (one of a number) given up for adoption by the mother without his consent. No further details about the courts reasoning behind the decision were posted- just that he had lost.
ReplyDeleteIt's a terrible day in our justice system... And as an adoptive mom, I cannot wrap my head around intentionally keeping a child I knew a parent was fighting to keep and raise.
Right on, Tiffany. Me too!
DeleteThank you to Lorraine for writing about rape and first mom situations.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a pretty story but since I have shared with a few first moms it gets easier to talk about it. Secrets can destroy your health and kill you. I became pregnant at sixteen. Went to bed with a boy really did not even know, I was not immoral really but my mom was dead and my dad never around. The same boy came over two days later and we had sex again, I asked him if he had a condom on and he said he did, and when he went to leave said "sorry, did not have a condom on because I spent the quarter on a beer."
My period was three weeks late, I knew I was pregnant and I called him up and told him I thought I was pregnant. He said ok he would come by and we would talk about it. He came by as promised and picked me up and said we were going to a party and would talk, we arrived at the party and walked in and all I saw were a bunch of boys standing around. To make a long story short he had planned and executed a gang rape with his buddies, his way of getting off the hook, I was 16 and he was 19 and I guess he knew he could be in a hell of a lot of trouble, I have blocked most of it out, but when I managed to get free I ran out to the highway and flagged a mack truck down and got a ride back to town, I had no idea where I was. The truck driver was a saint and l
walked home after he let me out.
Looking back on it, if things had been just I could have brought charges against all of them and sent them to prison, but in 1964 every thing was blamed on the girl, I did not tell a soul, I was so ashamed.
I did not speak to the father of the baby again and was sent to the maternity home at three months along, When I returned home from having my son, father of the baby heard I was back in town and called me and asked me if we could do it again, did not ask whether I had a boy or girl, I hated him so much I knew if I didn't get a grip on my feelings that it would destroy me. I finally came to a place where I did not even hate him, just did not care.
to be continued....
Fast forward to 2001, had a three hour reunion with my son, He asked three times for his dad;s name and it seemed really important to him, I had been in therapy and was told it was the right thing to do. So I told my son and added "your dad was not number one on my hit Parade" .
ReplyDeleteThe first few years after reunion my son had told me he really could not have a relationship until his amom died, but his wife always sent pictures and xmas cards, I sent gifts for the kids and always got thank you notes. then at about year five things changed and I could feel a coolness in the relationhip. and then in 2012 they quit sending cards I think because the wife entered big time politics and I am sure they did not want a ghost 16 year old first mom surfacing somewhere, Anyhow it is 15 years now, and I have decided I need to see him face to face to tell him about his dad and what he did to me. My son never told me if he had contacted his dad but I am positive he did and I am sure his dad did say bad things about me because he is an evil person, I was probably a fool to have given my son his dad's name but the relationship was new and I guess I was hoping that if my son did contact his Dad he might be a decent person after all these years,
Anyway, after much pondering and talking to a lot of adoption people, I decided to send my son a letter and I told him I needed to meet him in person because I had not been truthful about his DAD, Told him I was not getting any younger and feel like my chance at a continuing relationship has been compromised because he was not getting the full picture, my son is 51 and I feel he should b e able to handle the truth at this point in time, Looking back, I should have just come out at the reunion and told all, I do not know if me telling him all this now will make a difference but at least I will have peace in my heart because I have leveled the playing field, Keeping this secret has been tortuous, so when in doubt, just tell the truth and nothing but the truth, it will set you free!
Persephone, I'm so sorry to read your story. Fortunately today it is different for some young women; others, though, I fear still are discouraged or afraid of going to the authorities.
DeleteBefore you talk to your son, you might discuss your plan with a counselor. Tell your son the truth it in a way that is helpful to him as well as unburdening yourself. Emphasize that even though he was conceived in a most terrible way, he is a fine man.
Yes, the truth does set you free. These were my exact thoughts after my reunion with my relinquished daughter.Persephone, I'm so sorry to read your story. Fortunately today it is different for some young women; others, though, I fear still are discouraged or afraid of going to the authorities.
Before you talk to your son, you might discuss your plan with a counselor. Tell your son the truth it in a way that is helpful to him as well as unburdening yourself. Emphasize that even though he was conceived in a most terrible way, he is a fine man.
Yes, the truth does set you free. These were my exact thoughts after my reunion with my relinquished daughter.
Oh what horrible things you have endured, Jane Doe, especially the boyfriend bringing in his pig friends for a gang rape. It is an altogether ugly story, and I feel so sorry you have been tortured by this secret for years. No advice, just sympathy. Only you can know what you need to do now to find some peace.
ReplyDeleteMy sincerest hope is that your son will be able to accept and understand what happened. The fear is that ...whatever his biological father said to him--the awful pig--did not shut his mind to you. It was important that you posted here for if anyone with a terrible story to tell their child, might tell it, no matter how hard, at the beginning, not years later. You and I have been messaging and so I knew what had happened and I am sure that everyone, like Maryann, wishes you well.
ReplyDeleteI've heard other stories that are terrible, but none as bad as yours. My husband's cousin got pregnant with her boyfriend on the football team, and he and his parents apparently persuaded other boys to say they had had sex with her, which was a lie. Because this, and your case, happened before DNA testing, this kind of heinous behavior was possible, letting them off the hook. xxx
As an adoptee that was one of my biggest fears in searching, that I would find out that I was a product of rape. It is hard enough knowing that when you came into the world, that no one was there to welcome you, and that you were just a terrible nuisance and inconvenience to all involved. Had I found that my very existence began in an ugly event like rape would have devastated me. I do agree that telling an adoptee the truth is important and I think telling them about them being the result of a rape has got to be one of the hardest things for both the adoptee and birthmother to face.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I always say it takes enormous courage for an adoptee to search for and contact her natural parents. They did give us away, after all. And,of course, from that, it is reasonable to assume that we were nothing but the terrible nuisance and inconvenience you speak of. Furthermore, we don't know who or what we'll find, or what we'll discover about our background and the circumstances surrounding our conception and relinquishment.
DeleteWe're a brave lot, we adoptees.
Of course it's also possible that an adoptee may find that they weren't in fact given away, but that their mother was sent away, with no recourse. It has happened.
DeleteYes, adoptee 123--your comment is so on the mark. IDK, I must be pretty fragile today becuz by the time i finished reading your comment, I was welling up. Okay, I know I'm pretty close to the skin, but it was just appreciative that you got the post. I know that my daughter felt better hearing that she was conceived in love.
ReplyDeleteBut everyone ought to know that by the time the child is born, the mother's feelings toward that baby are likely to be very different from how she feels about the rapist/father. I didn't keep my baby, my life felt as if it were in shambles when she was born, but my god, how I wanted to keep her. All of the birth mothers who comment here feel the same.
No matter what, the seed becomes our baby, becomes our child, and our love cannot be plugged up because of how that baby came into being.