Writing the First Letter to your birth mother (or a sibling)

Lorraine

What to write in that first letter to your birth mother?--If that is how you decide to make the initial contact. It's your introduction to a woman you hope will want to know you, and with whom you may have a continuing relationship. It's an advertisement for yourself to the woman who gave birth to you--but hasn't seen you since.

Chances are, your mother has been hoping for this day all your life and will welcome you with an open heart. She may have already searched for you and been unsuccessful. She may have contacted your adoptive parents and been told to leave you alone. They may have even threatened her. Or she may have been afraid to search because social workers and her priest and her friends and maybe her mother or father, urged you not to. She may have been afraid that you did not know you were adopted, and that it would "destroy your world" if she showed up. She may have been told to "leave well enough alone." Or she may not know how to search, and otherwise be afraid to. 

Jane

For some women, make no mistake, the letter will come as a shock. Some first mothers have been in the the closet so long they are unable to reciprocate and refuse contact.  They may change their minds in the future, and even if they do not respond, they may keep the letter, and read it many times. No matter how it is received, you want it to make the best impression possible, and make the letter as inviting as you can. If you are writing to a sibling, unless you know differently, you need to assume that they do not know about you.

If you have the name and address and phone number of your first mother, a call may be the safest and most discreet because you do not know who will see her mail before she does, and ask her who the letter is from. And your very existence may be something she has kept secret. However, if you are going through an intermediary, you may have to write a letter; or you may simply choose to write instead of phone.

WHAT TO PUT IN THE LETTER
You want to let your birth mother, or sibling, know that you are a thoughtful, sincere individual, and that you are interested in her well-being as much as your own. The letter may open feelings she thought she had buried. Be friendly and honest, and not overly emotional. Yes, we know this is tricky. You will probably write the letter a few times before you are happy with the result. Our suggestions:

• Keep it short--aim for two pages, no more. You also don't want to overwhelm her with this first communication. 
• Write it by hand, rather than on a computer. Just as a handwritten thank you note is preferred to a typed one, a letter written in your own handwriting is a more powerful, intimate document than one printed by a machine. Your handwriting, the paper you choose, even the type of pen you use--all give a sense of your personality, and may remind her of herself. We've heard of a mother once who got a note written with a peacock blue pen, and the woman immediately knew it was from her daughter--who else would use such a distinctive color? 
•  Include general information about yourself: education, occupation, marital or partner status, and whether you have children. If there is a particular reason you are searching at this time--say an illness or health concern--include that. Say how long or short a time you have been searching. Try to imagine what the woman who gave birth to you might want to know, or what you would tell a new acquaintance you wanted to like you.  
• Do include mention special interests and hobbies--she may indeed have the same ones, or know that your father did. They can be as diverse as travel to knitting, photographer to your favorite television show, your collection of mid-century pottery to matchbooks from restaurants you've visited. 
• You can say that your adoptive parents were good people and that your growing up was generally a healthy, happy time. But don't go overboard here and talk about the pony you had or how you can't imagine a better "Mom" in the whole world. Unless she is wealthy and accomplished herself, this will likely make her feel diminished and fearful that she does not live up to your social/educational status because of your privileged adoptive background, and could make her fearful of meeting you. 
• Do include a photograph or yourself, or with your family, especially if you have children. Your mother or sibling may immediately recognize family resemblances, and increase the chances she will want to meet you. If you have some physical characteristic that you have always wondered about, include that. Writing something like, "I've always been tall and played center on my high school basketball team," conveys both your physical information and a special ability. Or you might include that you are not athletic, but are a passionate reader/chess player/music fan. A quirky little detail about yourself may turn out to be the connective tissue that delights her. So many times when watching Long Lost Family, you'll notice that the mother and daughter will share a trait such as wearing vivid or dark nail polish on manicured nails. Or wear none at all. 
• Omit any difficult circumstances of your growing up. Your mother may have deep feelings of remorse and guilt over having relinquished you, and the point of the first letter is to establish a relationship. There will be time to share this unhappy news later. So leave out information such as, your adoptive parents were abusive, the adoption was terminated, you bounced around from one place to another, et cetera.
• You may ask for an updated medical history/family background. If there is a critical need for the information at this particular time, include that. However, do not make it seem as if that is the only reason you are contacting her; she may desire a relationship, and a request for only medical data may seem cold and put her off. You might add if she does not wish to have a relationship, you still want and need updated medical information. You could remind her that you are always asked for it when you visit a doctor.
• Do be specific about asking for a phone call and/or a meeting, but add that you will respect her need for time to process this contact, as well as her lead on how to proceed. If a birth mother has to tell her husband, or children, about your very existence, and she is fearful of doing so, you will be called upon to have the patience of Job. It is not just the guilt over the relinquishment that prevents such women from immediately telling the rest of their immediate family, it is knowing that the people she tells will not only see her somewhat differently, but they also may feel that they have been lied to because this information was withheld. We cannot exaggerate the amount of guilt that the culture of the past has bred into the birth mother blood stream, and for every woman it will be different. 
• Include contact information and the best way to reach you, as well as the best times, if via phone. Include our email address, and you may add, if true, that you are on Facebook so that she may see a window into your life. 
• You can sign the letter, as Your daughter, or Your sister/brother.
• Send it registered so that she has to sign for it. You want to know that it was received by the person you are searching. You want to know that it arrived, and was not lost in transit or is sitting somewhere in someone else's hands. 

A SAMPLE LETTER

Dear Ms. Jones,

My name is Samantha Smith. I was born on January 15, 1972 at General Hospital in San Francisco, California, and I believe you may be the mother who relinquished me for adoption. I learned your name from an adoption searcher/information my adoptive parents had/combing through birth records at the public library/whatever. 

I was adopted by John and Mary Smith and raised in Portland, Oregon, and have two siblings. I graduated from Portland High School where I was involved in the high school yearbook/national honor society/band/basketball, and then went to XYZ College/traveled the world/got a job. My favorite subjects were math and science. Or, I'm kinda a nerd, and didn't go out for school activities. (To someone who has been a loner, that is just as appealing as being president of student council or captain of the cheerleading squad. This is one time where embellishing your life may not enhance the letter's reception. No matter whether the letter was welcomed or feared, honesty will let her see any resemblances between the two of you. 

After high school, I attended the University of Oregon and studied biochemistry. Or went to work as a barista in a coffee shop, entered the military, whatever. 

I live in Eugene. I'm married and have two children, a boy, 9, and a girl, 6. We like to go camping and hiking on the weekends. I am a vegetarian and we have an organic garden in our backyard. I work in information technology at the University of Oregon. Or: We are bookish types and enjoy political discussion and reading 19th century classics. I have included a picture of us at the Piazza Navona in Rome. Or: I love country music and step dancing. I have included a photograph of us camping last year on the Oregon coast near Cannon Beach. 

If you are my birth mother (or, "the woman I am looking for"), I would like very much to be in touch--and meet you eventually. I won't contact you unless you agree, but knowing you would mean so much to me, as well as answer questions I have had all my life. The best time to call would be from x to x p.m. on weeknights/or whenever. +

My contact information:

address

email address,

telephone number

your daughter (or son), 
Samantha
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WHAT NOT TO INCLUDE 

• Do not address her as "Mother" or "Mom." Wait until you are better acquainted and find out what she's comfortable with. And though you have have heard the words birth mother all your life, this first paragraph may be a place to simply refer to her as your mother without a qualifier attached. Or simply avoid the use of the word mother, if that makes you uncomfortable. However, that is why you are writing to this particular woman.
• Do not thank her for her selfless decision, and for giving you a good life with wonderful parents. She may take this as an insult, as it may make her feel you think she was not good enough to raise you, and that you were better off growing up without her.  
• Do not say that all you want is information--even if that is how you feel at this time. She may believe that you consider her just a resource, and you have no interest in her as a human being. See above. 
• Do not tell her that you had a horrible life because she abandoned you. It is likely that your mother had little or no choice about giving you up, so do not lay a guilt trip on her. 
• Do not show off stuff, to wit: "After I made my first million, my wife and I took a trip around the world." Besides the fact that nobody likes a boaster, this may make her feel she is not good enough for you or that you believe your success was due to your adoption. See above. 
• Do not include deeply negative stuff, i.e., "After I was released from prison, I started using drugs again." This may cause her to fear you. 
• Do not ask for information about your birth father. She may harbor ill feelings towards him--there is always the possibility she was raped--and bringing this up now will increase her fears, if she has any, about meeting you. The time for asking about your father is later. If you have already met him--DNA makes no distinction between which parent to connect an adoptee to first--you may consider leaving that out, unless that he is the connection that led you to her. If he remembers their affair in a positive light, you may reconsider and decide to include him. 
• Do not use language that demands: to know about your father, possibly siblings, why you were given up. Of course you want to know these things, but wait until you have a relationship. Demanding anything puts anyone on the defensive, and she may already feel extremely vulnerable. She may need to become comfortable with you first before she can talk about what may have been a very painful relationship or incident. No matter how or why she gave you up, relinquishment is always agonizingly difficult for a first mother to think about.
• Do not say that you're not looking for another mother. She is probably not thinking that you were, but saying it makes it sounds as if you're putting her in her place--that obviously she can't be your "mother." As she reads this letter, her first communication from a son or daughter she relinquished many years earlier, her feelings are going to be tender. Let the details about your personal feelings and needs come up in time as your relationship progresses, just as you would in any new relationship. 

AND FINALLY...
We strongly advise you not to contact your mother's relatives or friends FIRST asking whether they think she would be receptive. They have no way of knowing what is truly in her heart. She may not have talked about you to them for years, or at all, and they may take this to mean that she does not want to hear from you, when the opposite may be true. They may truly believe that sending you away is in her best interests. Or the relative may contact her in misguided enthusiasm, before you do, and that may make a woman feel invaded. A reunion is, in the initial stages, an extremely personal matter between the son or daughter and his or her mother.

When reaching out to a sibling, do not assume they are in contact with the birth parents. You may ask that your letter be kept private between the two of you--until you decide how to proceed contacting them. If a birth mother has denied contact with you, and you are writing a sibling, it is probable that the individual will tell the parent. But remember, everyone is different. Some siblings may be sympathetic and able to bring the reluctant birth parent along, and facilitate a reunion. See also: Should adoptees contact their siblings when first parents are reluctant?

If the letter will go through in intermediary, and you are not allowed to include identifying and contact information, aim to be as personal as possible. Include as many traits and preferences as you can. Probably how much you may include varies from confidential intermediary to confidential intermediary. We hate this kind of letter that must pass through a sieve that keeps people apart, but this is required until the laws in many states are changed.*  And good luck!--lorraine and Jane
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*If this is the situation in your state, we urge you to get involved in changing the law, and at the very least, to write your state legislator to express your plight at being denied your original birth certificate. Without more people making themselves heard, original birth certificates will stay sealed, and confidential intermediaries will be bound by law to redact contact information--including your name! 

You may also want to read: A Letter to (Birth) Mothers Who Reject Reunion
Reaching Those Women in the Closet
Telling my family about my first child--and then going public
 Coming out of the closet as a birthmother: To Tell the Truth...Or Not?
Adoptees Who Say They Only Want Information Hurt Everyone
"Thanking" your birthmother for letting you be adopted
Telling your Birthmother She Made the Right Decision