You hear a lot of talk about God and adoption and I always wonder where "God's plan" has gone when things go wrong,...You never hear anyone referring to how God meant them to have this experience then.I just can't buy that it was "God's will" that I got pregnant at a time and place when I had to give up my daughter to strangers...they loved her, yes, as well as they could, but both her epilepsy and her being given up put a huge traumatic burden upon her and in the end, she was not able to cope with it all. How can it possibly be "God's will" that we who have lost our children in the closed system of adoption never fully get over it? How can it be "God's will" that we are the "reproductive agents" for some other family? How can it be "God's will" that many of those same adoptees spend their lives looking for their first parents?
If there is such a God, he or she is a pretty nasty piece of work. At times when I hear people talk about God's will in relationship to losing a child to adoption, I find that I just turn away. I was raised in another time--the Forties and Fifties--and wasn't supposed to have sex when I wasn't married. Okay, you can say I sinned when I had that sex with my daughter's father, and the result was conception, but is there no reprieve from this hell on earth? If there is a God, why can he give us no solace? The Republicans talk about "making adoption easier" in their manic quest to make abortions more difficult (or impossible), but they have not walked in our shoes. If they had, they would not be talking this way, nor would web sites offer "a beautiful adoption experience." To give away your own flesh and blood is hell, plain and simple.
There is this quote from Euripedes that I think sums up what we read on this blog:
“No man lives happy to the end of his life. Or avoids his share of bad luck. We inherit grief merely by being born.” --Euripides. Amen.
--lorraine
I fully agree, Lorraine. It really bugs me to hear adoptive parents say a certain child was "meant for them" or a gift from God. I also am bothered by the statement "all things happen for a reason", whether stated by those who believe in God, or New Agers who somehow believe "The Universe" gives a damn about individuals.
ReplyDeleteI do not think a Supreme Being micromanages our lives nor causes awful and hurtful things to happen to "teach a lesson." I certainly cannot accept that what happened to us who surrendered was preordained or "meant to be".
It bothers me just as much to hear adoptees or birthparents voice these sentiments about their perfect reunions as adoptive parents talking about the adoption. After all, if some reunions were arranged by God or the Universe or the Flying Spaghetti Monster at the exact right time, what about everyone else whose reunion did not go well, was met with rejection or worst of all a death? Does that make those people not as good, cursed by the Almighty, or just being "taught a lesson" like a naughty child?
I don't think so. I think "shit happens" randomly, and most of the pain and grief in adoption is the result of human flaws and weakness, not the work of God. I like to think there is a God or a force of Ultimate Being that can comfort us in affliction, but to posit that He or She causes affliction portrays a sadist and a monster. To say that all is predestined removes all personal responsibility, but it also removes agency and free will.
I am always amazed at how many people find comfort in "it was meant to be" or "all things happen for a reason" or "it was God's will". To me, these are profoundly depressing statements, given the amount of evil and suffering in the world, not just in adoption but universally.
I second your amen, Lorraine.
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ReplyDeleteI just saw a "God brought me to motherhood via adoption" gag inducing YouTube video. Sorry mama-by-adoption, but all of this adoption crapola is created by the shortcomings of mankind, not God.
ReplyDeleteI would post the link, but I don't want to ruin anyone's day.
Oh, do post the link. We need to know what's out there. And keep our sense of outrage hones.
ReplyDeleteHere's the link, enjoy:
ReplyDeletehttp://adoptionsurvivor.wordpress.com/2008/10/19/its-all-about-me/
FYI,the video is on an adoptee's blog, who is equally horrified.
ReplyDeleteI tried to watch that link and couldn't endure even 20 seconds. The couple looked too perfect, maybe they're actors? This (the whole God will provide, it's God's will, etc.) just sends chills up my spine.
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ReplyDeleteChristians, Pro-Adoption Christians, are spoiled brats who refuse to accept God's will and tailor "Christianity" to their own comfort zone.
ReplyDeleteIn what sense is that not a judgmental statement?
I am a pro-adoption Christian and the mother of an adopted son. I am not infertile, so I never had to struggle with that pain, but I have always felt that my son is as much a blessing in my family's life as my biological daughters are.
I don't know your story or why you didn't raise the child you gave birth to, any of you. I can hear your pain in the words you write, and I can only honor it as best as I can. I don't think that my son's birth mother was punished by adoption, and I'm certain she doesn't feel that way, because we've talked about it. She was 19, she could have kept him, and didn't.
I know that some of you were victims of situations and pressures beyond your control. But it isn't always like that, not for everyone. Please don't make adoptive parents out to be the bad guys; we didn't steal your babies from you. And whatever anger and pain you and God have to work out, we are grateful to him for all of our children.
I never was forced to give a child away through Adoption Katherine Teel-I AM Adopted. And denied my God given rights to know who I am because of yes, alot of Christians who want me denied that and to keep all MY personal information about who my Real Parents are locked up in a vault, where a stranger could see it and I can't. Pretell...WHAT is Christian about that?
ReplyDeleteWhy is that a Christian thing? If you couldn't access your birth or adoption records, isn't that a matter of law?
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ReplyDeleteI disagree with the suggestion by Pastor Teel that mothers' attitudes about adoption should be discredited because they speak from pain.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Pastor Tell believes she is helping children by adopting them but in fact she would do more good for more children if she helped their mothers nurture them.
While she didn't force the mothers to give up their children, she helped create a climate in which that was often the only help offered to mothers with unplanned pregnancies. The demand for infants by her and others has created baby brokers who work tirelessly to meet the demand by convincing vulnerable women to give their babies to strangers.
My goodness, I seem to have started quite a discussion. I think what motivated me to make the original comment was the fact I had recently had a bit of an exchange with an adoptive mother who was complaining about her daughter's behaviour in getting to know her birth mother.
ReplyDeleteWhat I was trying to say, and I'm not sure if it was understood or not, was that I hear all this God's plan stuff when people are adopting but when the going gets tough, e.g. the kid wants to know her birth parents and you, the adoptive mother, view that as a slap in the face, where is all this talk about God's plan then.
God only seems to have a plan when He/She is doing exactly what the AP or PAP wants.
I was trying to say I am equally offended by this God's plan stuff too. Not sure that came across.
My goodness, I seem to have started quite a discussion. I think what motivated me to make the original comment was the fact I had recently had a bit of an exchange with an adoptive mother who was complaining about her daughter's behaviour in getting to know her birth mother.
ReplyDeleteWhat I was trying to say, and I'm not sure if it was understood or not, was that I hear all this God's plan stuff when people are adopting but when the going gets tough, e.g. the kid wants to know her birth parents and you, the adoptive mother, view that as a slap in the face, where is all this talk about God's plan then.
God only seems to have a plan when He/She is doing exactly what the AP or PAP wants.
I was trying to say I am equally offended by this God's plan stuff too. Not sure that came across.
UM, how true, it is always God's plan when we get what we want. Who's plan is it when the bottom falls out? I'm guessing the devil.
ReplyDeleteThis is why the religious arguments bother me - they seem so simplistic, black/white. I wish the world could be that easy to understand.
Hi There. I agree, first mom, I am a Korean born adoptee and I found out at the age of 32 that the great majority of the international adoptions, including me and my twin sister, were coerced by so-called "moral" religous adoption agencies. In fact, back in the 70's wanting couples had to actually promise that they would actually raise the children with religion. The thing that gets me is that they label us as orphans in order to obtain us when our parents are alive! I've was deceived into believing I was an orphan when I really wasn't!!! Most of the mothers in "poor countries" were given "good Christian counseling" convincing them that they would make inadequate mothers, and as a result, were talked out of their children...and their legacy. I've actually written a book about it called The Search for Mother Missing: a peek inside international adoption. You might find it interesting. Also have a blog that archives some of the corruption going on in this lucrative business (http://thesearchformothermissing.blogspot.com/). THe agency I had been obtained by grosses more than 20 million per year...and they claim God is on their side! I highly doubt it! God is on the side of the separated families! According to Taoism, God is an energy that runs through all of us. Lao-Tzu, the author of the Tao Te Ching (book of Wisdom) called God the Mother of the Universe. (And no, sex is not a sin. In fact it can be a way for enlightenment.) Anyway, first mom, G.O.D. (Goodness Over Dogma) is on your side--she really is!
ReplyDeleteWhile she didn't force the mothers to give up their children, she helped create a climate in which that was often the only help offered to mothers with unplanned pregnancies. The demand for infants by her and others has created baby brokers who work tirelessly to meet the demand by convincing vulnerable women to give their babies to strangers.
ReplyDeleteAmen!
Morevoer, my adoption wasn't planned by God but it was planned by some Christians eager to make money using the name of God.
Well, while APs talk about God's plan in bringing them their children, I find it hard to be on the "giving" side of god's plan. While my daughter's mother initially welcomed me into their home, and shared their (troubled) daughter with me, her other mother, as time went on and my daughter and I continued to have a relationship...this good Christian woman turned against me completely...I guess she couldn't see god's plan in our having a relationship...isn't that the way?
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